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My Last Blog on AtlantaIllustrated.com
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2.28.2006
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Please hold back your tears! I am feeling a little veclempt myself, but the time has come to say goodbye. Funny story…an editor from The Zimbabwean Tribune came across my blog when searching for a new Features Editor. Said editor particularly liked my magnum opus titled “Sex With a Silverback Gorilla Beats Talking To You!” They have decided to give me a corner office with wall-to-wall windows (aka, an open air hut) and a basketball net over my trashcan. Oh…and my salary is 6 gazillion pieces of elephant poo and a boxed lunch from KFC every Friday (dark meat only). So now I am moving to Zimbabwe with only the clothes on my back, a thesaurus and hankering for bacterial diarrhea, hepatitis A, and the ever-popular typhoid vectorborne: malaria. So, I bid you adieu, or as they say, “sala kahle”!
ON TAP:
If you wanna keep reading my literary masterpieces log onto http://www.myspace.com/kimistry101pr
 Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.myspace.com/kimistry101pr
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posted by Kim at 12:46 PM |
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A Break Dancing Midget On My Grave
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2.21.2006
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Now that I have embarked on my 30s, I have become much less interested in being cordial to people that suck. But the question is: do they REALLY suck, or am I just a tough – albeit older - crowd? After much internal debate, my conclusion is that they really do suck.
Thirty-something Judgment Dailies:
- Don’t drive as shitty as I do. My road rage has increased ten-fold (old ladies are still exposed to “the finger” and/or cruel remarks about their parents)
- If you choose to parade around the gym locker room like “Naked Barbie” (except with hail damage and kankles) don’t be surprised at the snickering disguised as coughs
- Brass knuckles is my jewelry of choice, especially on the off chance that my server brings my soup out WITH my entrée
Am I turning into a grumpy old lady? No, I just realize that my days are limited, and so is my attention span. Why waste valuable time with people who annoy me? They have always been as frustrating as black socks with sneakers. Now, with my new low-friend diet I am forced to entertain the notion that I truly like only a handful of people…and I’m ok with that. As I lie awake at night and assemble the guest list for my funeral, I know that there will be just enough people to lift the midget onto my coffin so that he can perform “the worm” as Lou Ferrigno recites my eulogy.
ON TAP:
WNDC is tonight at Cosmo/Lava…heard WNDC NYE attendees get free booze.
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.myspace.com/kimistry101pr
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posted by Kim at 4:07 PM |
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MySpace is a Lonely Place
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2.14.2006
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I have recently been introduced to MySpace and it has provided me with some valuable insight into today’s culture. It implies two key things: that I have no friends in a network of over 55,785,831 people, and that 30 is the new 50. I thought I was embarking on my peak years, but apparently the only members in my age range are making news for luring 12 year olds into their homes to play “doctor”.
Today, I spent countless hours ignoring clients, phone calls and LUNCH to come up with a screen name with some real “oomph”. You know, something sassy and indicative of my achievements in life, but that also echoed my rebellious and youthful spirit. Sadly, I failed. As if that practice of poor time management didn’t set me back a half a year’s salary already, I also pained over my picture selection. Do I try and put up the “funny-yet-still-pretty picture” or feature the artsy “don’t look at my face” picture? Possibly, I could still live out my porn star fantasy, add an “i” to the end of my name and do the splits. Just because Black Tail magazine turned me down for a full-page spread doesn’t mean I can’t live the dream.
ON TAP:
Please, tap ME in Myspace.
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.myspace.com/kimistry101pr
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posted by Kim at 4:00 PM |
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(Insert Your Name Here)’s Valentine Story
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2.07.2006
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It was Valentine's Day, February 14th, the day the (adjective) girls and (adjective) guys at (name a cheesy venue) exchange cards with their co-workers. They (verb – bodily function) hearts and flowers and write funny poems. (your name) awoke early and looked over at the stack of cards ready and waiting to be given to friends, including one very special card for (name of someone you want to “do”), (your name)'s love monkey.
At work, (your name) was surprised to see that many of the other sluts were already there and every desk was piled high with Valentines. (your name) went to work right away, hurrying to leave a Valentine at each desk before the bell (verb), signaling the end of the day.
No one could open any cards until the party that afternoon. It was hard to wait! But, finally, the (plural noun) were done and the boss said, "It's time for the party!" Everyone gave out a loud cheer! As the boss served heart-shaped (name something edible) and (name something drinkable), the employees began opening their Valentines, smiling and laughing. "Thank you!" rang out over and over again as each envelope was opened.
(your name) opened Valentines but also watched (name of someone you want to “do”). Finally, (name of someone you want to “do”) read the special Valentine. A very big smile came over (name of someone you want to “do”)'s face. Then (your name) and (name of someone you want to “do”) looked at each other and burst out laughing! Want to know what the special Valentine said? Well, ok. Here it is:
Roses are red; Violets are blue.
Please fuck off
because we're through...
Signed - Your Secret Admirer
Happy Valentine's Day!
The End
ON TAP:
Hole in the Wall has always been Atlanta's Grand Central Station of late night hook-ups, so whether you have or haven't, here's your chance to scam on the talent, old-school style. This Valentines Day Weekend, treat yourself to a little blast from the past at PSC's V-day Hook Up @ Hole In The Wall.
Kim
RELATED LINK: http:///www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 1:42 PM |
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Smart and Fluffy – Bush in the 70s
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1.31.2006
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A worn out Bush avoided being drilled regularly while in Alabama from May 1972 to May 1973, according to Author Paul Alexander. While others were fulfilling their obligation and attending Guard drills, a 26-year old hairy Bush was more concerned with maintaining an active social life.
Bush, not known for opening up to just anyone, opened his doors wide in 1974 - to the entire People's Republic of China! As a result, he set the stage for the current “give and take’ relationship between our two countries.
Ok, get your mind out of the gutter. I am talking about our President!
But while we are on the subject, I have something to say about the lower case bush. No offense to Mother Nature, but the full-bodied, a la natural ‘70s coiffure is just too much (and I mean that literally).
Rumor has it that the ‘70s natural look on a female’s nether region is making a comeback. As much as I am a slave to fashion, I draw the line at thigh-to-thigh coverage. If you track the pattern of evolution, hair has taken up less and less real estate on the human body over time. I am convinced that the “landing strip” will eventually become part of our hairless history.
Click here for more fun facts about the evolution of hair growth
ON TAP:
This Sunday is the Superbowl…find a friend who has a stocked bar and some chips and go freeload! And remember to buy your booze by Saturday night!
Kim
RELATED LINK: http:///www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 2:23 PM |
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Not That You Care About My Bladder…
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1.24.2006
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I have the same size bladder as a 2-year old. I have always been a frequent pee-er, but my recent visit to the urologist put me in a league of my own! Ladies and gentleman, may I present the Circus Sideshow’s newest addition – the lady whose bladder holds almost 1000 ML of pee BEFORE she has to “go”! I have just been informed that my bladder easily holds 850 ML of urine before I physically make it to the loo! Let’s look at a standard one serving of bottled water (16.9 FL OZ,) and multiply that by two. Note how much liquid that is – I am a urine-retaining FREAK! No worries, my bladder is a normal size (anatomically), but it stretches and holds a ridiculous amount of my golden nectar.
(Queue “rolling harp” music)
About six months ago I realized that I could pee on command – I ALWAYS have to go. Fortunately, I am still able to hold it in until I find the appropriate receptacle…or a dark alley. After months of getting up about two to three times a night to empty my bladder, I realized that I was destined for a life filled with festering Port-A-Potties at music festivals. I decided it qualified as a debilitating disease much like the “Gotta Go Gotta Go Gotta Go Right Now” commercial. Amidst my distress, I decided to visit a doctor and while he was peeking at my super-human bladder he also realized that I only “void” about 60% of my urine. That means: 40% stagnates for safekeeping until the next round. I always wondered why I was placed in “special” classes and now I know…my bladder is physically equal to those storage facilities that house kegs of beer. No worries…I am on meds now…although, something tells me there is money to be made in the “niche” porn industry (did I mention I wear a retainer – NOT!).
ON TAP:
Tonight is WNDC at Taverna Plaka and I’ll be “voiding” urine in the bathroom…Please stop by and say HI!
Kim
RELATED LINK: http:///www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 7:07 PM |
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Heaven Smells Like a Diesel Engine
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1.17.2006
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Believe it or not, this past Saturday I discovered the Garden of Eden…and it’s located at the Georgia Dome. This magical and majestic place is comprised of five million tons of dirt and a sea of mullets that rival the front row of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. It’s as if the angels descended upon these mighty trucks and cast down vibrant flames, fangs and scales as evidence of their valor. Much like the master inventor, Leonardo Da Vinci, Bob Chandler was the first to design a Monster Truck in his own likeness, acknowledging his immense proportion (tires, in particular, are enormous — almost six feet tall, weighing 700 pounds).
Like a priest dressing for Easter Mass, my friends Trey, Jobe and Joel spared no expense when carefully piecing together their Monster Truck garb. Mullets, helmets and airbrushed artistry were key elements in the ritualistic dressing. While Christians rely on St. Peter to dictate the destiny of their soul, the Monster Truck crowd knows that Judgment Day is granted by none other than the “Grave Digger” – so sayeth the Redneck…and his trusty Budweiser!
ON TAP:
This Friday is the opening of The Royal. Party begins at 9 PM…I’ll see you there! The night will feature burlesque dancers, performing artists and complimentary Royal-inspired cocktails.
Kim
RELATED LINK: http:///www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 5:05 PM |
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Insomni-yack
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1.10.2006
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I’m having a serious problem getting to sleep these days…without consuming a bottle of wine or Tylenol PM (just the travel size one). I’m wondering if my insomnia is a sign of a deeper issue, or just the stresses of the day crashing down on me like a meteor at the very moment that my eyelids kiss goodnight.
I decided that I would take some precautionary measures to ensure a peaceful and successful slumber…and there are still no guarantees.
My nighttime ritual looks a little something like this:
Check for monsters and/or life-like clowns under the bed
Put television on some type of white noise programming like FOX News
Stare at the ceiling
Try to beat my high score on BrickBreaker on my BlackBerry
Call T-Mobile operator and wish them a good night
Turn cell phone ringer off
Turn cell phone ringer on in case I miss an important call
Stare at the ceiling
Wrap myself in a blanket burrito to replicate the safety and security of times when sleeping was the major event of the day
Turn cell phone off for good
Stare at the ceiling
Think about the dirty monkey love Geraldo Rivera and I could have if we lived in the same city
Practice my Kegels
Stare at the ceiling
Repeat
I think it’ll work tonight…definitely.
ON TAP:
Wanna chill with the weasel on Sunday? Pauly Shore will be at the Funny Farm. Oh Joy?!
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 6:31 PM |
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New Year’s is a Time for Changing…My Underpants
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1.03.2006
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Some people use the birth of a new year as an excuse to start over, to make resolutions that will better themselves so that they can finally become the person they see in the Dockers ads…BUT they are stewpid. If you ever want to set yourself up for failure, the most precise way to do so is to fall prey to all the gratuitous advertising aimed directly at your feeble spirit. Usually this advertising is in heavy rotation throughout the holidays, as you stare at your TV screen, glazed over and stuffed with turkey and fruitcake <<--- or Matzoh Ball soup and brisket . They (those with large media budgets) encourage you to make a list of New Year’s resolutions by promising you thin thighs, increased energy, shiny hair and therefore better and more sex. I guarantee that after a dose of prime time TV or a smut magazine session, you will encounter ads basically calling you a big loser. Bally’s laughs at your fat ass, Monster.com snubs you for not having a job that makes you want to tap dance through the aisles, and any product encouraging you to quit smoking is usually just an obligatory PSA from big tobacco companies, loaded with subliminal messages to buy three packs and get the forth for free.
So, I ask you, what’s the point of beginning a spiritual douche on January 1 when you are just adding more pressure to already sensitive subjects? I’m telling you, you will drop to the ground like Oprah Winfrey on a power walk around Chastain Park!
Please note: this is the same principal that applies to buying groceries when you are hungry – just DON’T!
ON TAP:
Got a crappy gift you wanna throw in a pool? This Saturday is WNDC's Regiftmas at Leopard Lounge.
Kim
RELATED LINK: http:///www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 8:24 PM |
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In A World Where…
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12.13.2005
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…consumers are shamefully manipulated by Hollywood, one film stands out as the most offensive attempt at luring desperate movie droids into the theater – “King Kong.” For the price of a can of Vienna Sausages, a mini lighter, two Granny Smith apples, a bag of Baked Lays™ and a Foster’s oil can, people can see a film starring a giant horny ape and a sober, annoyingly calm Jack Black. There is nothing less impressive than Jack Black seriously reciting an old Arabian Proverb. Maybe if he would have popped a pill or belched, then I would have offered up a golf clap and a cheer (using my inside voice, of course).
BAD JACK:
“And lo, the beast looked upon the face of beauty. And it stayed its hand from killing. And from that day, it was as one dead." - Old Arabian Proverb
MEDIOCRE JACK:
“And we played the first thing that came to our heads, Just so happened to be, The Best Song in the World, it was The Best Song in the World.”
-Tenacious D
Issue # 1:
King Kong is hung…well…like King Kong, so tell me, scientifically speaking, how the hell is he gonna stick it to Naomi Watts’ character, Ann Darrow? (Unless she’s been turning tricks on Cheshire Bridge for18 hour days since the ‘40s. Plus, she is 5’1, 110 soaking wet…hmmm).
Issue # 2:
Where are Kong’s balls? He weighs 8,000 lbs. so I’m sure the earth shook when they dropped. So where are they?
Issue # 3:
Did I mention that Jack Black is not the best candidate for a serious actor role? The following exhibits should provide ample evidence: Shark’s Tale, School of Rock, Orange County, Shallow Hal, Saving Silverman and High Fidelity (Ta-dah!).
Issue # 4:
The movie is as heavily promoted as “Wild Wild West” starring Will Smith (or anything starring Will Smith). Unfortunately, Smith suits the role of “thespian” more than Jack Black - even if he was at The Renaissance Festival holding a turkey leg in one hand and a pint in the other while reciting Shakespeare.
Issue # 5:
The film is a cinematic masterpiece…one that has been re-made more times than Jessica Simpson’s dad has pleasured himself to the thought of her D-cup boobies.
I urge you all NOT to feed the Hollywood machine and boycott this movie! Rent a nice documentary about penguins or curl up with the Kama Sutra, a Sting cd and a cup of hot cocoa.
ON TAP:
Tonight is WNDC Naked Santa Holiday Extravabonanza at CJ’s landing…you don’t want to miss Big Fat Naked Santa’s strip tease! Bet that’s not on your list!
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 1:00 PM |
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I Saw Midget Porn…
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12.06.2005
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…and it was glorious! I have always been a fan of the sideshow, but I must say that a recent trip out of town changed my opinion of obscure sexual behavior! Videotaped sex alone is intriguing, BUT videotaped sex between anyone other than attractive naked specimens is downright AMAZING (even though it puts you into the “other” category along with people that talk to plants and the smelly girl from 2nd grade).
Upon my first viewing of this wonderfully weird ménage, a warm, tingly sensation overcame me, much like the feeling I get when I watch the mating specials on The Discovery Channel. The sight of a tiny Oompa-Loompa-looking man being pleasured by two young normal-sized ladies was an even better example of exploitation for entertainment than the midget wrestling at Club Uranus a few years back (yes, I was front and center). This trigger-happy ‘lil guy did his business just like the sensor pod that was ejected in the 5 ion storm that struck The Enterprise on Stargate 2945.7.
Once the doorway to this “other” category opened, I was addicted. Next on the agenda was Old People or “mature” Porn. After that, it was all about the third trimester in a wonderful montage of pregnant penetration. Shock value aside, I couldn’t help but wonder what Uncle Karl or 2nd Cousin (twice removed) Eddie did to these dirty social misfits to make them pictorially document things that are otherwise unimaginable.
I mean, I’ve had bad days, but thankfully I never went looking for love in a well-lit basement with a tube of lube and a broken spirit. I do, however, thank all of the casts and crews for exposing me to some of the most horrendously entertaining video north of Thailand…I will NEVER be the same!
ON TAP:
Friday night is Ted Turner’s annual 11th X-MAS Party, “Disco Power to Save the Planet”…so break out your platform shoes and polyester suits and join me at The Tabernacle!
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 5:26 AM |
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“Home for the Horrordays”
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11.29.2005
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Last Wednesday I packed my bag and basically moved back into my parent’s house for the holidays. The mere 15-minute schlep to Sandy Springs left me feeling like the last woman walking (and still on one leg, mind you). Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, but my mom somehow used my inability to drive as a way to lock me in the cold basement and toss me scraps.
To add to the magic of Thanksgiving at the Lichtenstein’s, Dr. Smarter Sibling (a.k.a. my brother) made a rare appearance. His years of medical education has given him the gift of responding to every statement from a “doctor’s perspective,” as if he is presenting his theories on life like a well-researched thesis…like his education was a right of passage to uncover the many layers of genius in HBO’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Thank God I have a super-chill dad who is always willing to share his fancy scotch with me or I would have been stuffing the photo albums of my Bat Mitzvah down my pants, sneaking out the window and hobbling my way to freedom.
The highlight of my trip to Sandy Spring-Me-Oudda-Here was the Chinese last supper on Saturday night. Why do Jews LOVE Chinese food during the holidays? Such an odd craving, but truly the first time everybody got along (MSG has proven to be a conversation stimulant) and it was as if the simple, yet age-old favorite, the fortune cookie, brought the family closer together. Dear fortune cookie, you have a “Happy Nice Day,” too!
ON TAP:
Saturday is the PSC SEC Championship Party at Andrews Upstairs. Rooooooll Tide…I mean GO Yellow Jackets or Dekalb Community College Duckbill Platypuses…I dunno, or care.
Kim
RELATED LINK: http:///www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 3:08 PM |
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Why Turkeys Should Eat Humans
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11.22.2005
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During this time of thanks and reflection, my thoughts turn to the star of this holiday season, the turkey. After much contemplation I discovered a plethora of reasons why turkeys should engage in anthropophagy (the fancy term for eating human flesh): - Because I have always wanted to use the word “anthropophagy” in a sentence
- Because there is a problem with human overpopulation in the U.S.. The population is increasing by an estimated 2,135,247 people each year. And approximately 54,000 people die in the U.S. each day, with that number expected to increase as the Baby Boomers start kicking the can
- Because the current food production rate around the world can barely support everyone as it is
- Because we have a surplus of dead humans that would be tasty vittles for the turkeys (maybe a nice lean Jerky or spicy meatball)
- Because this overpopulation is causing us to lose valuable real estate…
We are losing farmland
We need all available land for housing and farming - Because cemeteries have become a useless waste of prime, and much needed, real estate
- Because we must stop wasting precious resources and use them to help support our fellow turkeys and stop judging them because they may not be AS attractive as other fowl
- Because the land that is currently used for cemeteries should be cleared for use as farmland; and all future dead should be processed into food for the starving turkeys
- Because the turkeys’ consumption of human flesh would be healthier than their meager diet of seeds
- Because most humans contain all the essential vitamins, minerals, amino acids, and enzymes necessary to sustain healthy functioning
- Because studies have shown that human flesh is nutritionally equivalent to vitamin-enhanced chicken
- Because human flesh is high in protein and low in cholesterol and fatty acids so they can have access to a low carb diet
And now, my final argument… - Not only would processing the dead for food eliminate the starvation of our friend the turkey, but we would have more land to grow barley and hops, potatoes, marijuana and Cabbage Patch Dolls.
ON TAP:
All this talk of anthropophagy [oops, I did it again] is making me hungry! Tonight I will be at Twisted Taco for their annual Pudding Wrestling competition…yummy!
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 10:28 AM |
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Becoming Sister Lichtenstein
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11.15.2005
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After a heavy night of drinking and a hangover that rivals the pain of a bowling ball to the forehead, I have decided (last week) to embrace chastity, poverty and obedience. In fact, I plan on embarking of the self-sacrificing journey to becoming a proper nun: - I will convert to Catholicism (with my fingers and toes crossed).
- I will not get married, but possibly divorced.
- I will use my college degree in fine arts (aka. finger painting) to move me to the front pew with all of the real smart sisters…so when Pope XXXXXXXXXXVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII visits, I’ll score VIP seating by the candles and first dibs on the bread thingies (my Catholic friends now inform me these wafers represent the “body of Christ”…but, it’s so small???).
- I will find an order, or a religious community, that suits my beliefs and personality so that
- I can bring to said “community” (a.ka. bars) the word of God’s love with a comped bar tab…because what sane person would charge Sister Lichtenstein for a Jaeger-Bomb?!
- I will look for an order whose work interests me—winemaking.
- I will move into the Convent (only for a year or two) to save money on rent.
- I will go through the novitiate, or training period, which may last another year or two; spending my time studying, praying, watching reality TV, unshaven, and then decide whether to become a nun or just a couch potato in a moo-moo.
- I will take temporary vows of poverty, celibacy and obedience (just for the first day so I am well-received by the others).
- And, eventually I plan to take my final vows and save a holy ass-load in bills and never get yelled at or damned to hell by an angry driver.
ON TAP:
Tonight is Wednesday Night Drinking Club's 5th Anniversary at Park Tavern! Ok…maybe I’ll revisit this whole living sans sin thing after a few celebratory (not celibate) drinks.
Kim
RELATED LINK: http:///www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 6:32 PM |
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I BROKE MY 5TH METASOMETHING
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11.07.2005
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Just call me Kim McGimperstein. Before Saturday night, I had never broken a bone, not even a hairline fracture…not even a jammed thumb. I wish I could attribute my shameful fall to angel dust and a will to fly, but I was sober and tripped over my own foot. The hallway was without an inkling of light, but I thought I could descend to my love dungeon with only my dog and a jar of peanut butter to lead me. A mere three steps away from ecstasy I stumbled, arms flailing aimlessly, landing directly on my now defunct wheel. I attribute my 4 to 6 weeks of crutches and immobility to a swift swat from the nightstick of the karma police.
I am certain that the inappropriate purchase that I made not even 24 hours prior was the catalyst of my not-so-graceful “ballerina” fracture.
FACT: I ordered what I thought to be humorous t-shirts on http://www.tshirthell.com/.
A.
B.
FACT: 12 hours after “the fall” I was being wheeled to the bathroom in the ER with a nurse waiting on me to finish “making pee-pee"”
FACT: 24 hours after “the fall” I was driving a rascal in the grocery store (yes, it does beep in reverse), with my parents close by to assist me with my shopping needs
FACT: 48 hours after “the fall” I was being treated like an invalid because I can’t walk, drive, exercise or tie my shoes.
So, I will try to learn from my life’s lesson and do my best to avoid making mean jokes (out loud) about nice people in bad predicaments (therefore abandoning my best ammo when trying to garner laughs and attention from my peers). This sucks…I have so many offensive jokes that I will have to put to bed…at least until my foot heals!
ON TAP:
For those of you with an appreciation for women with two good wheels, check out Atlanta Rollergirls Season 1 Championship Bout on Sunday at 7 PM.
Kim
RELATED LINK: http:///www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 4:31 PM |
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I’m convinced. Cold weather is the motivation behind my extra helpings of mashed potatoes!
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11.01.2005
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I’m convinced. Cold weather is the motivation behind my extra helpings of mashed potatoes!
Depression is on the incline over my way, and I believe it’s because I’m experiencing a lot less daylight…which is directly contributing to the increasing size of my ass. Nothing makes me happier than sporting a sexy, sun-kissed hue and less than 30% fabric coverage on my body. But now that my golden safety net is gone, my craving for carbohydrates is on the rise…and I feel gross…and constantly hungry.
See, for the female, carbs are crack. And once the time falls back (or is it forward…whatever) and the sun disappears, the carbs become ever present - taunting me to consume them like Anna Nicole inhales her 600,000-milligram Xanex breakfast. What was once a standard accompaniment to any meal has now taken on a new life…an evil form that is both intoxicating and edible. I fear that my slim, summer body wants to hibernate for the winter. Now that I’ve relapsed into the land of sugar and white foods, I feel like its time to turn to a more divine power (and no, I am not referencing you, my dear Swiss Cake Roll).
I beg of you Richard Simmons, emancipate me from the evil that lurks in the baked good section of my local supermarket. In the name of the bagel, and of the sun, and of the holy bikini…set me free!
Ummmm…amen
ON TAP:
This Saturday is the 2nd Annual “Have a Heart” Benefit hosted by friends and family of Jennifer Shih. This event will feature live music, a complimentary beer and wine bar and a silent auction showcasing an amazing trip to Aruba. Proceeds from this year's event will continue to support heart transplant recipient, Jennifer Shih, and will also help others touched by unforeseen circumstances by donating to LIFELINK (www.lifelinkfound.org), the Georgia organ donation organization and the RED CROSS Hurricane Relief Effort (www.redcross.org).
Kim
RELATED LINK: http:///www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 7:29 PM |
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Laguna Beach – Smothered and UNCOVERED
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10.25.2005
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If you don’t watch the show on MTV - SHAME ON YOU! MTV's Laguna Beach, which by the way is now the 9th highest-rated cable series on television, is NOT reality TV, rather "dramality." In order to further investigate this phenomenon, it’s imperative to distinguish between fiction and real Hollywood gossip.
FACT: The characters are actually high school students and what we see is actually happening in their lives.
FACT: The cast members are only filmed Thursday through Sunday.
FACT: The cast members are coached by producers who “light” the scene, roll the cameras and say: "Talk about…”
FACT: The majority of cast members are now living in L.A., partying and pursuing Hollywood dreams surrounded by a slew of money-hungry managers, agents and publicists.
FACT: Jason and Stephen are now roommates in LA, riding high on their fame and bedding girls from coast to coast in their sweet bachelor pad.
FACT: Kristin and Lindsay Lohan are repped by the same publicist and Kristin told Rolling Stone that Lindsay almost lost her freckles when she walked in and saw Kristin in Talan's bed last spring!
FACT: They are planning a third season where the show will focus on the current cast, living in Los Angeles, and will return to Laguna from time to time (where only Alex, the 30-year old looking high school student, still resides).
FACT: The characters are not as wealthy as they appear on the show. One of the cast members even lives in a trailer park, and most of the cast members are middle-income (at least by O.C. standards). Except for LC and Kristin…who are totally loaded. Oh, and Jason’s grandpa.
FACT: I am a 31-year-old woman and I want to do nasty things to sweet-faced, 19-year-old Stephen…I mean, unspeakable sexual acts that involve gag balls, nipple clips and a hotrod.
MY LUVAH (photographed above)
ON TAP:
This Saturday is WNDC’s Halloween Party, Scary Party 5, at East Andrews and Andrews Upstairs
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 6:09 AM |
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Dressing up for Halloween
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10.18.2005
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As a kid, Halloween was a simple process that consisted of four key phases:
Phase I: Competitive Candy Gathering
Phase II: Candy Trading (apples, pennies or anything other than candy maintain zero negotiating power)
Phase III: Candy Craze - a sleepless night attributed to BOTH a sugar overdose and a fear that your neighbor injected a needle full of arsenic into the giant 3 Musketeers Bar (one of the bigger scores of the evening)
Phase IV: Stash and Salvage: the art of stashing key treats in various secret locations in order to prolong the supply of sweets (timeframe not specific, just need to outlast everyone else)
Now, as an adult, Halloween takes on a whole new meaning but more grown up(ish).
Phase I: Pick Your Pleasure:
a .Those who LOVE to dress up
b. Those who hate to dress up; because they like to stand out as the non-conformist, which is in itself, a costume
c. Those who LOVE to wear purple, furry pimp hats and canes for the eighth year in a row
d. Those who LOVE to slap on fishnets and corsets with any mundane blue-collar costume (i.e. maid, cop, school girl)
Phase II: Consume Party Treats - attend a party where at least 37% of the guests will trade mass quantities of ecstasy in exchange for mass quantities of ecstasy and a really cool ring that spells out PIMP (mainly groups c and d)
Phase III: Candy Craze - a sleepless night attributed to either drugs or having dirty monkey love with the person in the gorilla suit
Phase IV: Shamed & Confused - obsessing about the fact that everyone knows that you dry humped a gorilla in the corner...and went home with “it”.
All in all, Halloween is a fun excuse to binge drink, dress like a ho and hook up with random strangers hiding behind layers of makeup. Wait...that sounds like Thursday in Midtown...So, what’s so damn special about Halloween?! Bring back the trick or treating already. I wanna get me some free candy without having to dress up like a pregnant nun!
ON TAP:
Be sure to hit up Loca Luna tonight for WNDC!
Kim
RELATED LINK: http:///www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 6:09 PM |
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I Got WAXED!
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10.11.2005
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(my letter to the sweet Afghanistan lady that showed me that less is more)
Dear Maria,
It was wonderful meeting you today. The spa is lovely and the scented candles are the perfect distraction to the unthinkable pain I experienced during my Brazilian waxing. I felt so…exposed, as you forced my legs apart and coated me with a glaze of hot wax …my question is: was it necessary for me to flip over and grab my knees for "part deaux" of the medieval torture treatment? Thank you so much for the "strip," as it is very symmetrical and tidy. And thank you for the hug you gave me before I left – it made me feel special. And, most of all, thanks for the good conversation, as it entertained me while I imagined each, individual hair follicle being pulled from its root. Finally, it’s now clear why your room was positioned in the "special hallway" - approximately 12 flights of stairs and inches away from the earth’s core - accented in lovely shades of shatter-proof and sound-proof glass. I walk away from this experience with a new friend (you’re now officially my "Babushka"), and a newly polished view of the youth I once had.
Loving the landscaping…
Your friend,
Kim
ON TAP:
Now that I am "prepped" for a BIG night out…it’s time to join Knuckle Up Productions and Velocity Kickboxing’s "no-holds-barred" cage matches at Cowboys this Friday night. I’ll be front and center, anxiously anticipating REHAB’s live concert following the fights. See you there! Tickets available at Ticketmaster.
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 8:09 PM |
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He Got Me at “Hey Ho”
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10.04.2005
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Who would you rather share a corndog with? Turbo from “Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo” OR Number Five from “Short Circuit 2?” Let’s break it down.
Turbo, fo’sho! Seeing that he is an upstanding humanitarian who happens to feel “the dance.” Surely you remember the captivating plot: he and his fellow youths attempt to raise money to save their community club from being destroyed and replaced by a multi-million dollar shopping mall…much unlike Number 5 who is sent from Newton and Stephanie's ranch to the “big city” to help Ben with his electronics business and starts hanging out with the wrong crowd who wants to turn him into cashola.
But dare ye judge based on movie plot alone …there are other obvious reasons why Turbo is worthy of half a wiener.
Exhibit A: Hair
Turbo sports some tight-ass Jerry Curl (let your soul glooow… gotta love a hairstyle that represents AND moisturizes) and a cool headband (a la John McEnroe).
Number Five has tread and some lame metal fly swatter eyelids.
Exhibit B: Cool Co-Stars
Turbo…What-What?! Did someone hear some name droppin’ ova heya? OZONE (boom!), Ice-T (Bam!)… Hispanic Man, Juggler, Bulldozer Driver (take that)!
Number 5 just hung out with some crazy Indian who sported a beard.
Exhibit C: Movie Tag Lines
Electric Boogaloo says: “If you can't beat the system, break it!”
Short Circuit says: “Some say he's nuts. Some say he's bolts. But can Number Five make it in the big, bad city? Keep your wires crossed.” <<--ok, that’s friggin’ US premium grade humor right there!
In conclusion, I believe in the beat that's on the street - it’s hoppin' and poppin' and they're breakin' and lockin'.
ON TAP:
This weekend is the 30th Annual ATLANTA GREEK FESTIVAL…good food, crazy dancing, lots of napkins and plate breaking!
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 8:28 PM |
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My 10 Least Favorite Public Restrooms
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9.28.2005
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“Toilet time” is a ritual dating back to the Stone Age…and while no one speaks much about it, it’s a known fact that most public facilities are less than satisfactory. Here are some of the worst:
1.) Starbucks (I’ve heard of strong coffee but this is more like self–induced colonics)
2.) Physicians office (there’s no better invention than a drive through window designed specially for urine samples)
3.) Public School Restrooms (it ain’t gonna be pretty…especially if they read Judy Blum books…)
4.) Any public restroom in France (it’s common knowledge that French people are stinky…plus it’s pay as you go!)
5.) Turner Field restrooms – according to AJC’s Rich Eldredge: “Even as the Atlanta Braves close in on their 14th consecutive division title, their fans have already cinched up the top spot in another competition — worst public restroom hygiene in the nation.” Learn more…
6.) Louisiana Superdome (ummmm…I’ll leave this alone…for now)
7.) Music Midtown Port-a-Potty on Sunday around 11 PM (a Petri dish of over cooked bodily waste produced by 72% Rednecks, 20% teens and 8% golf cart drivers)
8.) Radio station restrooms around 8:30 AM (morning show talent has to make a break for the bowl some time during their five-hour shift. I figure humans are wired to rid themselves of bodily waste when they wake up…usually after 6 AM and before 9 AM)
9.) Hooters Air restroom (wings, beer, horny men, small space…)
10.) Euro-Disney (again, a large percentage of the guests are from France)
ON TAP:
If you can make it out on a Saturday between the hours of 11 AM and 3 PM…The Buckhead West Village is throwing a BLOCK PARTY. Yes…that is the area where AIKO and East Andrews are located…
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 6:07 AM |
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Why do people quote movies?
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9.20.2005
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How would you like it if I repeated everything you said? How would you like it if I repeated everything you said? How would you like it if I repeated everything you said?
I was in the presence of some 40 plus men recently who were single and desperately trying to tap some wide-eyed 20-somethings. I'm not sure if there is a correlation, but both guys were only able to communicate with my generation through random movie quotes… so weird…and so creepy.
Please enjoy this dialogue between two men OVER 40:
Dude #1: Duuuuude “I got a stage five. Virgin. Clinger.” (Wedding Crashers). We gotta blaze before she pulls out my plugs.
Dude #2: “Well, I have all your equipment in my locker. You should probably come get it ‘cause I can't fit my numchucks in there anymore.” (Napoleon Dynamite).
40 plus “Dude #2” bends over to grab his sugar free Red Bull and protein bar.
Dude #1: Hey is that a “Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bull’s-eye.” (Wedding Crashers). Yeah, give it to me stud because “We are in danger of flunking most heinously tomorrow.” (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure).
Dude #2: Wanna go suit up and hit the 18+ clubs?
Dude #1: "Well, you have a sweet bike, AND you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.” (Napoleon Dynamite).
Dude #2: YEAH, “That's what I like about these high school girls, I keep getting older, they stay the same age.” (Dazed And Confused)
ON TAP:
Tonight is WNDC at Twist…drink-up and nurse that hangover so you can join me at Fashionada on Sunday at Compound.
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 8:56 AM |
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Pizza Pie, why oh why do you taunt me so?
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9.13.2005
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Mmmmmm…chewy cheese, you taste so lovely. Who woulda thunk one pie could cause so much pleasure! Oh pepperoni…you luscious disk o’carne…the life of a Vegan must be filled with perpetual craving. And you little ‘shroom, though you ripen in the ground you taste like heaven above. I LOVE YOU Pizza Pie…and have discovered even more reasons to continue our weekly consumption ritual:
The health benefits of pizza
Researchers report that eating pizza could protect against CANCER.
Why, you ask? Because of its headlining act: the tomato.
A friend from a neighboring village in Zimbabwe once knew a researcher who knew a researcher who claimed that eating pizza regularly reduced the risk of developing oesophageal cancer by 59%. The risk of developing colon cancer also fell by 26% and mouth cancer by 34%, they claimed. The secret could be lycopene, an antioxidant chemical in tomatoes, which is thought to offer some protection against CANCER, and which gives the fruit its traditional drop-dead-ferk-me-red color.
Now that we have established that pizza cures CANCER, let’s talk about its popular toppings around the world…
The UK's favourite topping is chicken (it goes with everything)
Japan - eel and squid (it’s the pizza that bites back)
Pakistan – curry (duh)
Russia - red herring (red…get it?)
Australians - shrimp, pineapple and barbecue toppings <-me likey the barby Costa Ricans – coconut (sweet AND salty…perfect for the munchies) Cartersville, GA – Possum (fresh, of course) ON TAP:
This Friday join me in witnessing some serious whoopin’ at the Gwinnett Arena as Las Vegas’ GUILTY BOXING presents “Pride and Glory,” a spectacular night of live boxing, MMA ("no-holds-barred") action and devastating Muay Thai fighting. This is the first time both professional boxing bouts and professional martial arts matches will be presented on the same card. Tickets start at $20.
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 8:09 AM |
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qUiz fer Smart peYple
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9.05.2005
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Quiz
(if you answer all questions correctly you will receive an original turd manufactured by my 3 lb 16 oz dog, Spike <-- he eats more fiber than there is inventory at a flaxseed factory.
If you were given a ticket to attend the Grammy’s and could be ANYBODY’s date provided you either;
1.) Wear 2 used tampons as accessories (earrings, belt, cuff links) to the event
2.) Drop and do 10 push-ups every time an award recipient thanks his/her manager
Which would you do?
You meet the guy/girl of your dreams and would not be able to show any interest before you:
1.) Pass gas in front of him/her
2.) Ask if he/she would chant his/her family tree to you during the act … starting with his/her Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Grandmother
Which would you do?
Your child is perfekt in every way (and will ensure you a nice retirement penthouse in a resort in Boca) except for one flaw. Which flaw would you pick?
1.) Has breath comparable to the aroma of the sewage system in Paris in the 1830s
2.) Is a Mega-Slut and has had more sexual partners by age 18 than there are members of eHarmony
If you have answered all of these questions… congratulations you have won.
“C’mere Spikey…make pooh pooh for AI subscriber.”
Please let us know where the nugget needs to be delivered.
Full Name
Address
SS#
Credit Card #
Personal Checking account #
Where you keep your wallet…
ON TAP:
Tonight my client, Vegas’ Guilty Boxing, is hosting a RING GIRL CONTEST for nationally televised “Pride & Glory!” at the Grand Hyatt in Buckhead from 7 – 10 PM. This event will help us pimp tickets for “Pride and Glory” which will take place on Friday, September 16 at the Gwinnett arena. It is world champion boxing and mixed martial arts ("no-holds-barred") fighting all on one card!
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 5:57 PM |
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Ode To Mr. Diddy
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8.28.2005
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Sean Combs, Puffy, Puff Daddy, Sean Puffy Combs, Sean Jean, P. Diddy, P. Diddy Combs, Diddilicious, Puff Puff Bo Buff, D$, Di-Di-Diddio, Puff, Giddy Diddy, Mean Lean Puffy Machine, Likes It Ruff Puff, Sean Puffy Gnomes, Puffy McPuffy, Hillary Puff, Puff Puff Give, Sean Bombastic Combs, Sean A Swollen Or Rounded Protuberance A Thin Toothed Strip, As Of Plastic, Used To Smooth, Arrange, Or Fasten The Hair, Peignes Gonflés De Sean, Sean Geschwollene Kämmem, Puffy Combs, Pettini Puffy Di Sean, Peines Puffy De Sean, Senorita Combs, His Royal Puffiness, Diddy San, Sean Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffff (oh, excuse me!) Combs, Diddy
The Diddy
ON TAP:
This weekend is Dragon*con. Event highlights include: anime music videos, comic book quick sketch, Dawn look-alike contest, Miss Klingon Empire beauty pageant, robot battles and role-playing round-robin. Ummm…if you plan on attending be sure to have your mom pack an extra water with lunch…Imperial Fleet Trooper garb and 90 degree weather does not a good Death Squad Commander make!
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 6:40 PM |
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Hot Dogs
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8.23.2005
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Valerie Cheathem, assistant manager of precious jewelry at Lenox’s Neiman Marcus, was recently fired over 2 hot dogs! Apparently, some co-workers noticed that there were two dogs locked in a car in the parking lot in 90 degree weather while their owner, Ramona Lindsey, tried on the latest fashion trends. In an attempt to save the dogs from overheating like a NASCAR engine on the final lap, Cheatam scaled the fancy BMW SUV, equipped with some water to lower in to the K9s by way of the sunroof. As the missionary impossible was executing “Project H2-HOTDOG,” the owner, Ramona Lindsey, came out, yelling screaming and cursing. The owner of the car and the dogs complained about Cheathem's actions to store managers and filed a police report. In the police report, the officer says other customers complained of seeing the dogs in the car. Atlanta Humane Society officials say even with the sunroof open, the temperature in a car can climb to 105 degrees in under five minutes.
IF you buy into quantum physics and all that mumbo jumbo about blurred clouds of probabilities then you could assume that this scenario could play out in an infinite number of ways. For instance: Dog owner, Ramona Lindsey, could have been shopping for a pair of platinum engraved butt-plugs for her K9 companions and left the dogs behind to endure the 105 degrees because they were into kinky master/servant scenarios OR in another dimension, Ramona would be locked in the car with the windows shut on the hot GA asphalt lacking her opposing thumbs while the dogs were inside trying on suits and buttoning them. The possibilities are endless. BUT…in this situation my guess is that Ramona Lindsey is a spoiled biyatch who has no concern for the well being of her dogs, a sales associate’s livelihood or a non-air conditioned environment when SHE is not in need of ICE COLD AC. I SAY, Neiman Marcus is full of commies and I wont shop there 1.) because they fired a humanitarian and 2) because if it aint from the Merry-Go-Round, I aint buyin’ it!
ON TAP:
Tonight is WNDC at East Andrews …so go tie one on got the gipper!
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 7:43 PM |
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QUICK QUIZ: DO YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM?
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8.16.2005
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Have you missed work because of a hangover?
Yes, but only because there was an all-you-can-eat tater tot bar with an unlimited supply of Mountain Dew and a side of battered, fried pocket lint.
Have you ever felt that you should cut down on your drinking?
Yes, but only when there are no cup-holders in the vehicle I am driving (like my Bobcat™ ).
Have you ever passed out while drinking?
Ummm…that’d be a “yes”…but only because the conversation was boring.
Do you get into conflicts with your friends after drinking?
Yes, but only when they look at me funny.
Do you drink to increase your self-confidence?
I drink to increase other people’s self-confidence (I make sure that I make a bigger ass out of myself than my peers). I’m Mutha Freakin’ Theresa…totally selfless.
Do you drink alone?
Only when there is nobody with me.
Have people annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
Yes, the words “chug, chug, chug” can be kinda’ (yawn) monotonous and irritating.
Do you have trouble refusing a drink?
No, Dumbass. Do you?
Do you gulp your drinks?
Yes, unless they are served in a sippy-cup.
Have you ever been in trouble with the law because of your behavior after drinking?
If you consider falling out of a tree…with binoculars…outside of your window…at bedtime…a crime!
Do you drink to get drunk?
Is there any other reason?
Have you ever been unable to remember what you did while drinking?
Selective amnesia should be a required class in college!
Do you drink to get to sleep?
Sure!
Do you drink to cope with anxiety?
Sure!
Do you have to have a drink to be able to have fun at a party?
Sure!
More than 3 "YES" answers indicate that the drinker's patterns and habits should be examined more closely and they should be considered as a host for Wednesday Night Drinking Club
ON TAP:
On Friday, my friend Kate is throwing a party for her supercool non-profit Kate’s Club…go check it out yo!
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 8:24 PM |
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CB 69
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8.09.2005
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Friday morning and I’m en route to crashing a high school cafeteria for a plate of mystery meat and chocolate milk, when I bump into Yitzhak “Don’t Look At Me Funny” Rosenberg in the schoolyard (yes we are both in our 30s … ya gotta problem wid dat?!). Yitzhak, a fellow gang mate (a.k.a. member of the Hasidic Hora Cloggers) suggested we go start some trouble. So I packed a clean pair of under…ah who am I kidding…I don’t like layers, so I packed a copy of my favorite movie, Hulkamania 1 for luck and we drove off in search of misadventure. I passed out. Next thing I know we’re in Sarasota, Florida. Yitz parked right next to the Pelican Man's Bird Sanctuary and promptly suggested we go in and appreciate the birds in their natural habitat, what with the cages and the birdseed and all. While having a National Geographic moment sans sagging boobs and flies…I noticed an elephant scratching its wrinkled ass on an electrified barbed-wire fence and decided to take my swollen anal-glanned friend for a walk on the main drag. I opened the gate and we’re off. While strolling down the sidewalk, I saw a MOODY, PREMENSTRUAL, and BLOATED specialty boutique and decided to pop in for a look-see. A sign on the door said “Elephants not permitted beyond this point” so I tied him to a parking meter. About 20 minutes later, I was ready to untie the elephant and continue with our walk when I was suddenly detained, frisked and fondled by one of Sarasota’s finest, thrown to the ground, cuffed (and then fondled). Why did I get in so much trouble? Apparently in the state of Florida the law says that if an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the parking fee must be paid, just as it would for a vehicle. After a traumatic weekend in the Florida state penitentiary, replete with bestiality enthusiasts and Manatee license plate vandalizers, I am safely back on Georgia soil where an elephant and a woman can roam hand in trunk without being judged OR incarcerated.
My Florida Vacation...
ON TAP:
This Friday is a supercool party at Park Tavern for CANCER <<--Party With A Purpose
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 9:40 PM |
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A GREAT GUY
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8.02.2005
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Sometimes what people quantify as good-looking can be repulsive. For instance, Tom Cruise was generally considered a heartthrob until he changed his posture to that of a primate and started bouncing on couches. His aesthetic appearance remained intact, but due to his ridiculous behavior, he lost 90% of his laid factor.
Another example: when I hang with my friends, one will lash out and grab a guys ass, club him over the head with a bottle of Peach Schnapps and take him home for a naked game of Twister while I'll be at the bar, vomiting up some baked brie and a martini (and secretly loving it ‘cause it’s bathing suit season).
I digress, back to the subject at hand. I was recently cornered and questioned about the young buck I’m dating. It was brought to my attention that he was not the “usual” type of guy I tend to date -->> i.e. his knuckles don’t scrape the ground and he doesn’t groan and point when he wants sex. However, after being interrogated for deviating from my normal pattern of ummm…clearly not-for-me relationships, I came to the conclusion that this could be a waaaay better situation. Granted he can’t bench press my car, but he CAN “satisfy” me 4 times in 12 hours (high five)!
So the moral of my blog? I am getting laid and it’s good…no, no, no…GREAT!
ON TAP:
Check out 99X Downtown Rocks with Chevelle, Seether and Crossfade at Underground this Saturday.
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 7:20 PM |
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Tongue Roll, Spit, Pfffft!
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7.26.2005
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I have found the perfect crash course for aliens trying to acclimate to American behavior. Thanks to a savvy editor named Elliot Essman from http://www.lifeintheusa.com/, any Joe (tongue roll, spit, pfffft) Schmoe(gurgle, wink, cough) from Nebulous X8TYD can master our behavior and own 7/11s from Akin, Gawgia to Tall Man Squatting, Nevada.
Smarmy aliens are now able to learn about American culture just like Anastasia from the Ukraine;
"Thank you for your site. I am from Ukraine, I've got a home-work to write a great composition about the contemporary USA. So I've got everything I needed on this topic."
In case you were not aware of the best resource regarding American culture (since The Simpsons)…it’d be www.lifeintheusa.com - A catalog of American life. The site provides detailed information about being an Ay-mher-icayn (cue God Bless the USA)
Is there nothing sacred anymore? Simply by clicking on a link, an alien can get the inside scoop about grooming and personal hygiene. After all, an oversized head and needle-like fingers need to be cleansed before a hot date at the drive in with Thelma from Steak n’ Shake.
According to Mr. Essman:
"Many Americans use talcum powder after their bath or shower… feminine deodorants and douches are also widely used…there are even specialized foot deodorants."
According to moi:
Many Americans have heard of a product called talcum powder, once used to assist in warding off the Black Plague and Medieval jock itch…douches (a.k.a. Wishbone Italian dressing) can be used as a substitute for soap and to marinate in before throwing yourself on an open fire…foot deodorants are comprised of the same preservative used to slow down the decay of corpses.
Mr. Essman likes to talk in circles and repeats himself, himself.
"Hush, Hush. Americans do not like to talk directly about death."
Mr. Essman has a good grasp on population control… when’s hunting season?
"Depending on your age (young males being the most vulnerable), being killed by another American is a significant cause of death."
Oddly enough Mr. Essman watches BBC…
"Despite government intervention and an ingrained bureaucracy, free enterprise in the United States is alive and well."
Advice for aliens who are job hunting;
"The restaurant business is booming, and incidentally, employs a high proportion of immigrants, both legally and illegally."
I can continue to inform you all of the REAL truth…but I’d hate to have said aliens walk amongst us, possibly smelling like an Italian tossed salad.
ON TAP:
Check out Team in Training’s Date Auction at the Clermont Lounge… should be a hoot!
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
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posted by Kim at 11:52 AM |
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