During this time of thanks and reflection, my thoughts turn to the star of this holiday season, the turkey. After much contemplation I discovered a plethora of reasons why turkeys should engage in anthropophagy (the fancy term for eating human flesh):

• Because I have always wanted to use the word “anthropophagy” in a sentence
• Because there is a problem with human overpopulation in the U.S.. The population is increasing by an estimated 2,135,247 people each year. And approximately 54,000 people die in the U.S. each day, with that number expected to increase as the Baby Boomers start kicking the can
• Because the current food production rate around the world can barely support everyone as it is
• Because we have a surplus of dead humans that would be tasty vittles for the turkeys (maybe a nice lean Jerky or spicy meatball)
• Because this overpopulation is causing us to lose valuable real estate…
  We are losing farmland
  We need all available land for housing and farming
• Because cemeteries have become a useless waste of prime, and much needed, real estate
• Because we must stop wasting precious resources and use them to help support our fellow turkeys and stop judging them because they may not be AS attractive as other fowl
• Because the land that is currently used for cemeteries should be cleared for use as farmland; and all future dead should be processed into food for the starving turkeys
• Because the turkeys’ consumption of human flesh would be healthier than their meager diet of seeds
• Because most humans contain all the essential vitamins, minerals, amino acids, and enzymes necessary to sustain healthy functioning
• Because studies have shown that human flesh is nutritionally equivalent to vitamin-enhanced chicken
• Because human flesh is high in protein and low in cholesterol and fatty acids so they can have access to a low carb diet
  
  And now, my final argument…
• Not only would processing the dead for food eliminate the starvation of our friend the turkey, but we would have more land to grow barley and hops, potatoes, marijuana and Cabbage Patch Dolls.
  
  ON TAP:
  All this talk of anthropophagy [oops, I did it again] is making me hungry! Tonight I will be at Twisted Taco for their annual Pudding Wrestling competition…yummy!
  
  Kim