|
In A World Where…
|
12.13.2005
|
…consumers are shamefully manipulated by Hollywood, one film stands out as the most offensive attempt at luring desperate movie droids into the theater – “King Kong.” For the price of a can of Vienna Sausages, a mini lighter, two Granny Smith apples, a bag of Baked Lays™ and a Foster’s oil can, people can see a film starring a giant horny ape and a sober, annoyingly calm Jack Black. There is nothing less impressive than Jack Black seriously reciting an old Arabian Proverb. Maybe if he would have popped a pill or belched, then I would have offered up a golf clap and a cheer (using my inside voice, of course).
BAD JACK:
“And lo, the beast looked upon the face of beauty. And it stayed its hand from killing. And from that day, it was as one dead." - Old Arabian Proverb
MEDIOCRE JACK:
“And we played the first thing that came to our heads, Just so happened to be, The Best Song in the World, it was The Best Song in the World.”
-Tenacious D
Issue # 1:
King Kong is hung…well…like King Kong, so tell me, scientifically speaking, how the hell is he gonna stick it to Naomi Watts’ character, Ann Darrow? (Unless she’s been turning tricks on Cheshire Bridge for18 hour days since the ‘40s. Plus, she is 5’1, 110 soaking wet…hmmm).
Issue # 2:
Where are Kong’s balls? He weighs 8,000 lbs. so I’m sure the earth shook when they dropped. So where are they?
Issue # 3:
Did I mention that Jack Black is not the best candidate for a serious actor role? The following exhibits should provide ample evidence: Shark’s Tale, School of Rock, Orange County, Shallow Hal, Saving Silverman and High Fidelity (Ta-dah!).
Issue # 4:
The movie is as heavily promoted as “Wild Wild West” starring Will Smith (or anything starring Will Smith). Unfortunately, Smith suits the role of “thespian” more than Jack Black - even if he was at The Renaissance Festival holding a turkey leg in one hand and a pint in the other while reciting Shakespeare.
Issue # 5:
The film is a cinematic masterpiece…one that has been re-made more times than Jessica Simpson’s dad has pleasured himself to the thought of her D-cup boobies.
I urge you all NOT to feed the Hollywood machine and boycott this movie! Rent a nice documentary about penguins or curl up with the Kama Sutra, a Sting cd and a cup of hot cocoa.
ON TAP:
Tonight is WNDC Naked Santa Holiday Extravabonanza at CJ’s landing…you don’t want to miss Big Fat Naked Santa’s strip tease! Bet that’s not on your list!
Kim
RELATED LINK: http://www.kimistry101.com
|
|
posted by Kim at 1:00 PM |
|
|
<< MOST RECENT BLOG