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Like a Tidal Wave of Pain
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7/13/2004
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Hi.
I'm new here. I started writing a blog called "Pork Tornado" a couple of years ago that has become pretty popular among degenerates and perverts the world over. The guy who runs this magazine (being a card-carrying perverted degenerate) saw the album covers entryand was all "Hey, you're kind of funny". To which I wittily responded, "uhh... depends. You want me to write on your site? I'll do it for a dollar." He replied, "Sure...wait. Do what for a dollar?" After extensive contract negotiations that involved six pints of Guinness, a nail gun and an awkward hug, I decided to come up with some scathingly humorous material to start things off. My idea of "scathingly humorous" and his idea of "uninspired garbage" are remarkably similar. So we have that going for us. Not wanting to break tradition, the name of this blog had to be a combination of a meat product and a natural disaster, so Salami Tsunami was born. Or re-born, as it were.
As a rule I try to surround myself with people who are smarter, funnier, better looking, and more successful than I am. That can include anyone over the age of three and most garden tools. I am better looking than a rake, and I once beat a fertilizer spreader at a game of scrabble.
The point? Oh yeah, that. I made a huge exception to my rule by joining up here. Kim's a pretty good writer, but I am constantly having to remind the rest of these hacks who's witty and who's good at business. I don't tell you how to throw a party; so don't try to give me funny lessons. I have met with most, if not all, of the people who collaborate on this site and have found them all to be marginally more intelligent than the general public. Definitely a lot more driven to succeed. Moreover, they are useful to me as stepping-stones in my writing career. That is why I will kill them last.
This weekend I realized for the 912th time that I can no longer party like I am still 21. You'd think it would sink in at some point. I am almost 32 for god's sake. Having never been a night owl, I broke my own rule and decided to stay up late and drink one last beer on my front porch with some friends. I'm always up for leaving the house at 6 pm and being home before midnight, because I know how to party and I like getting my sleep. So 3 am rolls around, and I'm out on the stoop with a couple of my homies solving the world's problems in slurred English, and people start to drop off and head home. I guess I got into bed at around 4 or so, and the next morning I silently thanked whomever it was who installed blackout curtains in my bedroom, because the idea of "getting out of bed" was ranking somewhere between "drinking a beer" and "frying and eating my own face" on the list of things I wanted to do. My eyelids had become some sort of headache switch, in that the pain seemed to go away when they were closed. Luckily, they had been glued shut during the night by the same leprechaun who had shit in my mouth.
The saddest part of this is that I didn't drink a whole lot the night before. I remember some of the insane amounts of liquid good-looks I could imbibe in the course of an evening during college. At the time, even the worst hangovers could be cured with a shower. Somewhere along the line, I guess I broke my liver or whatever part of my guts is responsible for not killing me. Whatever it is, I'm not the strapping young buck I used to be. At least I don't feel like I am. Fortunately some of that bravado and recklessness has been replaced with wisdom and confidence, so I usually have the common sense not to drink that last beer or twelve. Usually.
Salami Sightings
Here are the places I'd like to be this week-
Pundit Panel II at Vinyl, Thursday at 7 pm
Scandal, The Improvised Soap Opera at Dad's Garage Theater, Friday at 10:30 pm
Ballyhoo Orchestra, Live at Wild Wing Cafe in Marietta, Saturday at 9 pm
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 5:02 AM |
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4 Comments:
W.HARE
Does a guy see a girl differently once she farts in front of him? My guy says no, but I'm not so sure. There has been a subtle change in our relationship since the release. It's kind of like being outside when the barometric pressure drops. You can't quite place it, but there's an unpleasant change in the air.
Please advise. -Lil' Poot
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