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Medium Pimpin'
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7/27/2004
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Every party needs a drunk chick. A friend of mine said that early one morning as the party was winding down. All evening there had been this one drunk girl who was walking around hugging on all of the guys. Not taking them into closets to bang them (I don't hang around with people like that...plus I asked her and she said no), but just at that sort of charming state of intoxicatedness where she likes everybody and guys like me can get a little unsolicited complimenting. She'd walk over, slap my ass, tell me I had pretty eyes, and leave before she got annoying. Then she'd come back in fifteen or twenty minutes and do it again. She was like the free cocktails at a casino. The mint on the pillow, if you will (and I know you will).
So I wondered, "Could one make money doing this?" It turns out that a 190 pound white guy with a shaved head is not nearly as charming when he walks up and slaps a stranger's ass. Something about "society's norms", and "sexual harassment" and "having to talk yourself out of an imminent beating by the guy whose ass you slapped". But maybe...just maybe...
Let's say I hired a few girls whose job it was to go to parties and get drunk and flirt. Not drunk enough that they barfed on anyone or flirty enough that they end up tied to some dude's water heater, but just "in the zone". Kind of a modern geisha girl, but without the sex, and all of the money goes to me. I think it's a great idea. Shut up and fetch my purple hat with the feather in it.
I had an overwhelming response to last week's call for people needing advice, and I plan to answer the ones that didn't suck or confuse me. That leaves two:
Dear Dusty-
My boyfriend had been cheating on me with my parole officer, so I broke up with him. Well, he got mad at me and moved to Pensacola and now my parole officer won't let me go see him. Do you think it's because I'm on parole and not allowed out of the county, or do you think it's because the officer is a little jealous of our devotion to each other? Also, I think I'm pregnant, but I don't know if it's his or not. Should I do a Deeinay (not sure how to spell it) Test, or should I just tell him it's his?
Thanks,
Alone, pregnant, and on house arrest in Florida
Dear A,P, &OHA...
You seem to have mastered the art of the poor decision. That is what landed you in jail and got you pregnant. You also don't seem to see the writing on the wall. He was cheating on you with your parole officer, and our subsequent correspondence turned up that the officer's name is Sgt. Mark Ramey. Next, your Boyfriend moved to Pensacola. Is there a greater hotbed of homosexuality than Pensacola? No. Your boyfriend is gay. Although he seems like quite a catch, you need to move on. As for being pregnant, I'm sure I speak for all of humanity when I say I hope you aren't. The world does not need another syphilitic loser mouth to feed.
See you Friday (call me).
-=D=-
NEXT QUESTION.
Dusty,
What do men think of when they see a woman naked for the first time?
-Wendy
Well, Wendy, a torrent of thoughts run through our minds when this happens. I once saw my grandmother naked when I was ten. At that moment I don't remember thinking too much. I woke up in the hallway a few hours later, having rubbed drano into my eyes and attempted to remove the visual cortex of my brain with a crab fork. If it is someone we choose to see naked and enjoy seeing naked, our minds jump first to the intense good times the next three to four minutes will bring, and then try to remember every detail of what we did to convince her to get naked so that we can make it happen again. Then we put away the bag of candy, as it has already served its purpose...
-=D=-
Salami Sightings
Here are the places I'd like to be this week
Wednesday Night Drinking Club at Twist, Buckhead July 28
Funkfest 2004, July 31st at Park Tavern. www.peachtreesocialclub.com/funkfest2004
This party will fill your quota for the week/month. Trust me, it will be. In. Sane.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 8:04 PM |
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16 Comments:
They were perfect geishas without the kimonos and white makeup! There is only one thing that bothers me about your proto-pimp idea and that is that these women would demand their share of the long green. This made me wonder if you could mail-order geishas from some places like Romania or The Phillippines and threaten to turn them in to the INS if they got too greedy. I realize that this is heartless but then, that is me.
Steven Olson
As for the interesting question if what is the first thing that runs through a man's mind when he first sees a woman naked, well, the first thing that DOESN'T run through our heads is that her ass is too fat. (For God's Sake, quit hitting us over the head with that one.) The first thing that ran through my mind is the smell of jasmine, which is odd because there weren't any jasmine candles going at the time. The second thing that ran through my mind was that her parents were going to catch us.
On a side note, It looks like I will be working at the Funk Fest, selling posters (autographed by yours truly) and teeshirts (also autographed, but I prefer signing breasts.)
....i think perhaps you have hit upon an untapped market - making "that guy" available for birthdays and bachlorette parties ..
If you're gonna be a pimp you've got to have the pimp-slap, down. If not then you keeps no control over da hoes. And also you might want to practice for 15 minutes in the mirror every day: "Bitch betta have mah money!" Once you have that, the hat, the cane, oh and you might wanna pick up a '78 caddy... Somehow I'm thinking rollin on "teens" in the Accord might lose you a few points of street cred.
Dear God, i fear for this country. KEEP ME LAUGHIN', Pork!
Why is it when I read your comments they come up twice?
Love,
Bingoguy.
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