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  College Football not Widely Received
9/7/2004
I have been abandoned by my friends for the next six months (or however long the college football season is). I've watched a game or two in my life, but it is usually because that is where all of my friends are, and I enjoy hanging out with them. I have a lot of trouble devoting much time to anything that isn't going to make me smarter, happier, or richer, so unless I'm going to be able to drink and laugh with my friends, I'll usually pass on the football game in favor of sitting down and writing an article about this phenomenon.

In their DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!, some of my less psychotic friends can sit around and shoot the bull with the game on and occasionally check the score, but I do have a group of friends who will watch every second of any college football game with an intensity that makes you wonder if they can actually affect the play with some kind of telekenesis. They wouldn't look away from the television if a Lamborghini crashed throught the living room wall and Big Bird got out singing "Flashdance" in yiddish.

Some of them let the outcome of a game affect their mood, becoming dangerously depressed when their team loses. I actually knew a guy in college who would get physically ill with nerves before every game. Let me add that he was not on the team, nor affiliated with them in any way. All that's left is for one of my pals to come to me and lift his shirt to show me his stigmata- "DOOOOD! check this out!! you know when Joey Fastfeet ran down the field on that punt return in the third and got hit so hard his colon came out of his tear ducts? DOOOD! Look! I have a helmet-shaped bruise in the EXACT SAME PLACE, and I don't know where it came from!"

You don't think it was from where you and Ty re-enacted the play four times, do you? Nah.

In one of the most brilliant moves ever made by the Football Mind Control Consortium (they meet every year in a cavern beneath Disney World), Fantasy Football was invented. Now people who only used to follow one team have to watch every game played by any team. And they do. Where I used to only have to find something else to do when Auburn or Florida was playing, now the East Keskatee State Purple Warriors could be going toe to toe with a physically handicapped team sponsored by Wal-Mart and it becomes the most important game of the century. I have to hand it to the FMCC for the sheer genius of that idea.

So until the end of the season, I will be hanging out at home a lot, watching MAD TV reruns and writing more stories. Or maybe I'll start doing some research on a fantasy football team for next year so I can be more normal.
Dusty
RELATED LINK:
posted by Dusty at 6:07 AM

12 Comments:

Anonymous said...
OH this is a topic on which i am well versed! i live in Nebraska, where football is life. saturday was the first game of the season with a new coach, i joked "Bill who?" and about got ejected from my home state.

I know people who record the games that they are physically present for in case they miss something. MISS SOMETHING?!?! you were there!

If the Huskers lose, domestic violence incidents increase... please.

thank you dusty, for once again not being just like every other guy
Anonymous said...
screw college ball

there are about a million things I'd rather be doing with a Saturday or Sunday afternoon than watching bland, boring college ball.

I'll hang out with you, my darling sweet Dusty.. we'll find something to do in the meantime..

Stef
meeshapeesha said...
The thing with having a ton of male friends is enduring countless conversations and debates about football and sports in general. I actually enjoy watching Sportscenter and other ESPN shows just to increase my knowledge about sports and teams, it's just talking about it non-stop is a little annoying. It's something only males can do, i'm convinced. Although i noticed this weekend, women can talk about relationships NON-STOP as well. And you know what? I found it equally annoying.
Go Buckeyes. Yay.
Anonymous said...
Personally I enjoy Boxing. Nothing like watching 2 guys beat the hell out of each other for a "purse".
Anonymous said...
My friend Urs just posted about her husband's obsession with football. Hysterically written (http://ursamajor.diaryland.com/040904_38.html), I think you'd like it. This is the time of year when I'm happy as a clam at high tide that I live alone and can watch whatever I damn well please, i.e., movies from Netflix!

Kathleen
http://katm6.diaryland.com/
Kim said...
Dusty...let's go toss the 'ol pigskin and talk about MAD TV marathons on Comedy Central.
Jackie said...
I grew up with a father who any weekend during the fall, if you walked in front of the tv said "your on the playing field". I feel your pain. Luckily, the love that is my husband could care less about football.
cherrygirl said...
This is why I feel no sympathy for football widows. How can you marry a guy like this not realizing what awaits you? I guess they think they can change him. Such is the conceit of most women. Sorry, ladies no woman is that good in bed. As a bisexual female, I think I can comment on that with some authority. Well, at least more authority than most women. OK, OK, they love him. Why not love him from afar? They'll have to after they marry him anyway.
Anonymous said...
Dude it's the same over here in the UK with what you over the pond call "Soccer". Hey I'm a fan I won't lie, but some people are pretty full on...
They pull up the score on teletext and fixate on it for the duration of game watching for it to change...
E.g.
Chelsea 0 - 0 Crystal Palace
Just waiting for the little digits to change...
Some people also have the game on the radio while "watching" teletext...
Then after the game they don't go out that night so they can catch highlights... Sometimes as little as 60 second highlights...
Anyway, America's bigger so I guess there's even more people doing weird shit...
I like your work ever since I saw the album covers on Pork Tornado...
Keep it up...
And I'm not anonymous...
Anonymous said...
Dude it's the same over here in the UK with what you over the pond call "Soccer". Hey I'm a fan I won't lie, but some people are pretty full on...
They pull up the score on teletext and fixate on it for the duration of game watching for it to change...
E.g.
Chelsea 0 - 0 Crystal Palace
Just waiting for the little digits to change...
Some people also have the game on the radio while "watching" teletext...
Then after the game they don't go out that night so they can catch highlights... Sometimes as little as 60 second highlights...
Anyway, America's bigger so I guess there's even more people doing weird shit...
I like your work ever since I saw the album covers on Pork Tornado...
Keep it up...
And I'm not anonymous...
Anisettekiss said...
Okay. My friend Kelly and I used to work Saturday swing shifts at a microbrewery/restaurant together and she would be FRANTIC every time Penn State played. I had to calm her by purchasing a Penn State lighter and lighting candles in honor of them. No friggin lie...and it actually worked. It was as if she were a restless baby and I was rocking her in a chair with swaying goodness.
Nastily said...
If your any kind of waiter/waitress type gig, you have a huge appreciation for Monday Night Football. Hell, the season hadn't even started and I had five tables of guys devoted to studying every stat they could find in order to win this year's football pool at work. They even offered to let me go in on them. I made $120 in 4 hours, and all I had to do was bring them beer. There's a magic equation in there somewhere.

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Comments:
OH this is a topic on which i am well versed! i live in Nebraska, where football is life. saturday was the first game of the season with a new coach, i joked "Bill who?" and about got ejected from my home state.

I know people who record the games that they are physically present for in case they miss something. MISS SOMETHING?!?! you were there!

If the Huskers lose, domestic violence incidents increase... please.

thank you dusty, for once again not being just like every other guy
# posted by Anonymous : 6:02 PM
 
screw college ball

there are about a million things I'd rather be doing with a Saturday or Sunday afternoon than watching bland, boring college ball.

I'll hang out with you, my darling sweet Dusty.. we'll find something to do in the meantime..

Stef
# posted by Anonymous : 7:01 PM
 
The thing with having a ton of male friends is enduring countless conversations and debates about football and sports in general. I actually enjoy watching Sportscenter and other ESPN shows just to increase my knowledge about sports and teams, it's just talking about it non-stop is a little annoying. It's something only males can do, i'm convinced. Although i noticed this weekend, women can talk about relationships NON-STOP as well. And you know what? I found it equally annoying.
Go Buckeyes. Yay.
# posted by meeshapeesha : 7:02 PM
 
Personally I enjoy Boxing. Nothing like watching 2 guys beat the hell out of each other for a "purse".
# posted by Anonymous : 8:52 PM
 
My friend Urs just posted about her husband's obsession with football. Hysterically written (http://ursamajor.diaryland.com/040904_38.html), I think you'd like it. This is the time of year when I'm happy as a clam at high tide that I live alone and can watch whatever I damn well please, i.e., movies from Netflix!

Kathleen
http://katm6.diaryland.com/
# posted by Anonymous : 7:07 AM
 
Dusty...let's go toss the 'ol pigskin and talk about MAD TV marathons on Comedy Central.
# posted by Kim : 7:26 AM
 
I grew up with a father who any weekend during the fall, if you walked in front of the tv said "your on the playing field". I feel your pain. Luckily, the love that is my husband could care less about football.
# posted by Jackie : 8:52 AM
 
This is why I feel no sympathy for football widows. How can you marry a guy like this not realizing what awaits you? I guess they think they can change him. Such is the conceit of most women. Sorry, ladies no woman is that good in bed. As a bisexual female, I think I can comment on that with some authority. Well, at least more authority than most women. OK, OK, they love him. Why not love him from afar? They'll have to after they marry him anyway.
# posted by cherrygirl : 10:54 AM
 
Dude it's the same over here in the UK with what you over the pond call "Soccer". Hey I'm a fan I won't lie, but some people are pretty full on...
They pull up the score on teletext and fixate on it for the duration of game watching for it to change...
E.g.
Chelsea 0 - 0 Crystal Palace
Just waiting for the little digits to change...
Some people also have the game on the radio while "watching" teletext...
Then after the game they don't go out that night so they can catch highlights... Sometimes as little as 60 second highlights...
Anyway, America's bigger so I guess there's even more people doing weird shit...
I like your work ever since I saw the album covers on Pork Tornado...
Keep it up...
And I'm not anonymous...
# posted by Anonymous : 8:34 PM
 
Dude it's the same over here in the UK with what you over the pond call "Soccer". Hey I'm a fan I won't lie, but some people are pretty full on...
They pull up the score on teletext and fixate on it for the duration of game watching for it to change...
E.g.
Chelsea 0 - 0 Crystal Palace
Just waiting for the little digits to change...
Some people also have the game on the radio while "watching" teletext...
Then after the game they don't go out that night so they can catch highlights... Sometimes as little as 60 second highlights...
Anyway, America's bigger so I guess there's even more people doing weird shit...
I like your work ever since I saw the album covers on Pork Tornado...
Keep it up...
And I'm not anonymous...
# posted by Anonymous : 8:35 PM
 
Okay. My friend Kelly and I used to work Saturday swing shifts at a microbrewery/restaurant together and she would be FRANTIC every time Penn State played. I had to calm her by purchasing a Penn State lighter and lighting candles in honor of them. No friggin lie...and it actually worked. It was as if she were a restless baby and I was rocking her in a chair with swaying goodness.
# posted by Anisettekiss : 8:57 AM
 
If your any kind of waiter/waitress type gig, you have a huge appreciation for Monday Night Football. Hell, the season hadn't even started and I had five tables of guys devoted to studying every stat they could find in order to win this year's football pool at work. They even offered to let me go in on them. I made $120 in 4 hours, and all I had to do was bring them beer. There's a magic equation in there somewhere.
# posted by Nastily : 1:26 PM
 
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