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One Against Nature
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9/21/2004
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This weekend I met a friend for lunch and accidentally ate a bug. It was a tiny black beetle looking thing, and it tasted horrible. I noticed the taste before I realized there was a bug in my mouth. It was a weird soapy cilantro kind of taste (further indication that cilantro was never meant to be consumed by humans), so I blew my food politely all over my plate and found the tiny bug.
Nature gives certain insects a foul flavor as a defense against their being consumed by various predators. However, it didn't work for this unfortunate little guy.
I killed him for tasting shitty.
The moral of this story is that nature sucks.
Speaking of which, last week's hurricane knocked a bunch of trees into power lines, cars, and garages all over my neighborhood.
Damn trees.
That brought me to a final decision about what kind of car I am getting next. I had my mind set on a Honda Insight or a Toyota Prius, but that was before the stupid trees started ruining refrigerated goods and therefore lives. At that point I considered a Hummer or a steam locomotive, whichever creates more pollution.
Then I saw the Timberjack 1470D Harvester on Discovery channel. The "D" stands for "Dusty must have this for his birthday (October 11)". Oh my dear sweet lord, Timberjack has harvested my heart.
Six wheels, a billion horsepower, and bogey suspension only begin to describe this piece of mechanized badassery. On the end of the boom is a cutting head that will grab any tree up to 24" diameter, cut it off at the base, strip off all of the branches at 30 feet per second, and chop it into logs with a massive chainsaw. I get chills when I think of what it would do to those people who blow whistles at you when you block the crosswalk at an intersection because they want someone to get out and beat them.
"TWEEET! I am a pedestrian! Get out of the crosswalk!"
"Oh, really? *clamp/zip/scream/chainsaw noise that cannot be phoneticized or onomatopoeiaficated* Well how do you like being firewood? Is that working for you, Dr. Whistlebritches?"
Of course my victim of choice would be the trees. I figure I could get to work in under five minutes if I just clear cut a path from my house to my job. I'd call it Peachtree Slaughter Highway (because there is a city ordinance requiring all road names contain the word "peachtree") and charge a toll so I could afford to keep gas in my harvester.
As soon as I figure out how to make it fly, I'm taking over the world. So start being nice to me now and I'll make sure you don't see it coming.
Now go watch the video. Or download the simulator. Oh god, this is better than porn. Well, better than Amish porn. That's just ankles and necks.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 4:43 AM |
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13 Comments:
(This was going to be witty, but I canna think straight.)
groovebunny
good luck with the new job and with your highway. should be tons of fun deforesting the state. get rid of all those unsightly oxygen producing things.
- Ticia
You know, I'm just trying to figure out how you'd park the Harvester in your itty bitty assigned parking space....
But yeah, I love those tree eatin' machines.
('Course, there's not much point in having one here in New Mexico. You can take on most of our foliage here with that aforementioned Toyota Prius...)
-Ogre
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