|
A Life Without Gas? I'll Pass.
|
10/19/2004
|
A row of three seats. I got the window so I could look outside and watch the wing, but this trip had sinister plans for me. I think I was flying to Charlotte. About an hour's flight, so I figured it wouldn't be too bad to sit and draw or write for that amount of time.
Boy was I wrong. I still had to listen to the other two people in the row make small talk. She looked like she was in her 50's, and I later found out he was 72. I sort of thought he was hitting on her at first, and then I realized he was talking about digestion and regularity. I actually heard the phrase "colonic mucoid plaque coagulation" used in conversation. I could live a thousand more years and never hear that one again.
I guess in highschool it's all about what sport you play, then in college its all about your major, and then your career.
At some point you end up using the frequency and consistency of your stool to impress women. I witnessed it.
This guy was old and leathery, wearing a white tanktop with yellow pit stains. He had a beard that looked like he should be up in the mountains fending off claimjumpers in the 1840's. Most of all, he wanted to share his colon cleansing tea recipe with anyone who would listen and then convert everyone to vegetarian. He was apparently in great shape, having just gotten back from a lion hunting Ironman safari with his kids or some shit. Seemed to be the kind of guy who would jump out of bed every morning and be annoyingly excited to go ice climbing or something like that. He also smelled like a dead sasquatch's ass.
But he was regular, and she seemed genuinely impressed.
I love trying my best to look busy and being pulled into a conversation anyway.
"Whatcha' doing over there?"
"Oh...Just drawing a picture."
"What are you drawing?"
"Not sure, but it's starting to look like a stinky old dude in red trapdoor long johns pinching off his fifth loaf of the day."
He got into asking me about my eating habits and I told him honestly that a meal isn't a meal for me unless something on that plate moved about under its own power at some point in its life.
"So you eat meat?"
"I eat it like it's about to be outlawed. I've seen a million faces, and I ate them all." (I was hoping he was a super militant vegetarian who was going to tell me I was a murderer, because I love making them mad)
This guy was more of a vegevangelist homeopathic herbal douchebag. They always start trying to convince you with someting like "Did you know that every time you breathe secondhand smoke, somewhere in the world an orphan goes blind?" As if saying "did you know" makes it not bullshit.
The best method of derailment for this line of questioning is to say that you did in fact know that. Even add another made up fact to it if you want. Here's an example-
"Did you know that milk is poisonous to humans and you are a bad person for liking it?" (this factoid will be presented to you while you are drinking milk, of course)
"I sure did, and I am now 3,000 times more likely to be eaten by a giant spider."
So he asks me, "Did you know that when you eat meat, it sits in your colon for six months and just rots and then turns into cancer?"
I responded, "Sure did. Did you know that when I eat vegetables, I transform into a human salad shooter in one hour?" Back to the familiar ground of regularity. He told me that if you stop eating meat, you'll stop farting. I looked around and said quietly "I didn't think you could hear that over the engine noise." He didn't even laugh. Who would want a world without farts? Your diet sucks, old man, and you don't think fart jokes are funny, so you suck too.
He then told me that he was an ordained minister and proceeded to give me an all too literal interpretation of the book of revelations, where bugs eat your private parts, then everyone gets scabs for a year, and then everything burns.
"Hey, I dated her in college." Still no laugh, and that one was actually funny.
As far as that goes, the meat will have killed me long before I have to worry about the scorched earth.
 Dusty
RELATED LINK: http://antiagingchoices.com/Nutritional_products/fight_cancer/colon_cleanser.htm
|
|
posted by Dusty at 2:25 PM |
|
|
15 Comments:
Or so I'm told...
Melis
Warning: Shameless Pimping ahead.
Dusty - thanks for inspiring me to write again and start my own blog:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/suit_dude/
Kathleen
http://katm6.diaryland.com/
+Post a Comment
<< MOST RECENT BLOG