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Bacheloradditus Domesticus
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11/9/2004
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The single heterosexual male adult has ways of doing things that are geared toward reducing wasted movement. Not always the most aesthetically pleasing solutions, but if we can cut out a step in something or avoid maintaining something that doesn't really need to be there by getting rid of it, we will. What follows is a deconstruction of some of our behavior patterns to help the population at large understand the mysterious ways of Bacheloradditus Domesticus.
Laundry- We hate doing laundry, and things like separating colors from whites, using fabric softener sheets, untangling socks, and so on are just extra steps in an already too arduous process. Before I had a washer/dryer, I would pay 78 cents a pound to have someone else do my laundry because the Laundromat is the single most depressing place on earth. Before that, I had a girlfriend who liked doing laundry. That was the first of many signs of her insanity.
If you can do your own laundry at home, why do you need a clothes hamper? When clothes are dirty, throw them in the empty washer until it is full, at which time you add soap and turn it on. The hamper is a middleman, and therefore must be eliminated. When the clothes are finished, boom- you have a dryer/dresser. Of course the clothes are clean; if they were dirty, they'd be in the washer.
Ironing- There are myriad products on the market that claim to remove wrinkles from clothes by spraying the clothing and hanging it up (one of those steps can be removed). There is also an iron in my closet and I think I have an ironing board, but seriously. Who is going to do all of that when you can use my patented de-wrinklification method? Hold up your slacks and spray them with a mist of water from a spray bottle or the spray nozzle on your sink. Just enough to dampen them. Then hang them over your towel rack while you take a shower. The heat and moisture will cause your pants to be flat and sexy. No, there won't be a neat crease down the leg or any of that. If that bothers you, unzip the front of your newly ironed trousers and make sure you have the equipment that makes you male.
Bathroom stuff- Toilet paper may or may not be on a cute little holder, but it will always be within reach. Bathmats are advised against because they will accumulate so much filth that you will probably just throw them away after a few weeks. I advise taking off your shirt and laying it on the floor so you'll have a nice soft temporary mat when you step out of the shower. Once you are dressed, take the dirty shirt and throw it in the washing machine.
Cheap clothes- Don't kid yourself. If you spill jelly on your favorite shirt, you aren't going to rush out and buy some fancy stain remover. Even if you do, you'll screw it up and it'll never come out. This is why we shop at target. Throw away your six-dollar shirt and get another one the next time you are out. It's beautiful. Right now I am wearing a pair of corduroy pants that I bought three years ago for $12.
Cooking- Try to avoid it, as it gets food everywhere, and most of this food will start to smell bad and attract bugs if you don't clean it up immediately (and you won't). If you have regular plates, cool. But buy paper plates for daily use. That way you can still appear to have some class if you need to actually serve food on real plates like a fancypants.
Excess Crap- Things like bathmats, toilet seat covers, shower curtain liners, dust ruffles and window treatments fall somewhere between tampons and quiche on the list of things we can't live without. I have white curtains on my front windows (left by the previous owner, needless to say). One day I came home and found that my cat had projectile vomited on one of them. I killed the cat and wrapped her in the curtain for disposal so she'd never forget why she was dead. I knew window treatments had a purpose.
In general, if something keeps getting left out on the counter instead of being put away, that is because the item's home is too far away from where it is usually used. If I kept my trashcan liners (which may seem like an unnecessary thing, but are quite necessary) in the living room and my trashcan was in the kitchen, one of two things would happen:
1. I'd never use trash bags
2. The box of bags would end up next to the trashcan.
It's all about efficiency. Any additional suggestions are welcome.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 4:33 PM |
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14 Comments:
Best entry in the history of on-line writing.
Along with the plates, we also have no need for glasses or cups of any kind. Anything worth drinking comes prepackaged in a bottle or can.
I don't think I've much use for anything that isn't disposable, animate objects such as bachelorettes included.
From an ex-bachelor, I can attest to the split personality I lived: the one when 'dates' were over and I cooked and used real plates, and the main life I lived the other 160 hours a week where I used paper plates and cups so I wouldn't have any washing, etc. Everything went to the dry cleaners - even the occasional tee shirt, as it was folded or hung up, neat and clean and I had to do nothing more than toss the dirty clothes from my back into a bag and bring the bag to the cleaner once a week.
Oh... and the bit about "if something keeps getting left out on the counter instead of being put away, that is because the item's home is too far away from where it is usually used."? Exactly. Where ever you use the item it should be stored. If you ave it somewhere else, you need to rearrange - or have a girlfriend rearrange - where you put stuff. It goes where you use it - period. I even dump the trashcan liners in the barrrel so when I pull out a full bag the liners are right there waiting. Works great.
Once again I get to start my Wednesday off with a laugh - and I thank you for that. For other time saving tips read The Modern Man's Guide To Life. Fantastic bathroom read. Most chapters are only only a page or so long. The sequel is called A Man's Life - just as good - same format.
Time saving tips such as cleaning the kitchen floor...
Obviously the whole house is getting worked over if you're going that far, so take the dirty towels out of the bathroom (you know they're dirty), slosh some soapy water on the floor, put a towel under each foot and scoot around the floor - clean and dry in 5 minutes. Then put the towels in the washer/hamper.
Women think it is dumb when the main design element in a guy's house is his television or a bike hanging from the ceiling.
If you actually put the toilet paper on the "cute holder"-- we notice. Seperates the men from the boys.
Elayne
Eliminate washing your clothes by spraying them with Febreeze instead of water before hanging them in the bathroom to unwrinkle. It's also easier to dampen a sock and throw it in the dryer with the Frebreeze soaked wrinkled clothes for 10 minutes. You'll never iron or wash again. In fact, you could sell the washer and buy something useful. Like a maid or a whore.
Yours truly,
Slutface
In the future there will be light-bulb dispensers that will be permanently fixed in the nearest ceiling or wall to the light fixture itself. Therefore when a light bulb inevitably blows out you will merely press a button and a brand new unblown light bulb will appear.
In fact in the future we will have dispensers for all disposable products such as these, and once a month a little guy wearing a green suit will show up at your house with an electronic clipboard. He will inform you of all of the disposable products that you are running low on i.e.:
light bulbs
toilet paper
paper towels
paper plates
shirts
ties
clean underwear
etc.
You will click on all the items you would like refilled, your account will automatically be debited and your life will be thouroughly uninconvenienced. And since the little guy in the green jacket will be a virtual guy on-line PLUS you will also be able to set up the program so that when you even start to get dangerously low on reusables the system will automatically fill you up. Eventually no one will have to leave their home, or even their recliner for any reason whatsoever.
Then won't life be grand!
http://goingloopy.diaryland.com
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