I digress.

In the guidelines for school age Halloween costumes, there is no rule against being an idiot, and no one can do anything about it because the students will spend nine years in prison for uttering the word "beating". This has bred a generation of morons who think Blue Collar Comedy is funny and dress up as a black eyed pea thinking they are the first person ever to be so creative. "Hey, look at me! I dressed up as a head on a table!"
I have sour news for you, Timmy. I did that when I was in second grade. That was 24 years ago and it was already a dumb idea. Plus, that was back when the mean kids could corner you and throw stuff at you. You can't run very fast wearing a table.

Never fear, kids- Soon you will be in college where you can dress as a used tampon and everyone will love you because they have been starved of humor for most of their lives.

I went on the trusty old Internet and collected images of some bad costumes so you wouldn't have to go find them yourselves. I also described them so you wouldn't have to think, either.

Hoppy the Beatin' Needin' Frog

By all outward appearances, this is a desperate attempt to get one's ass kicked. If you wear this costume, please do not ever strike this pose. This was the first image I found, and it made me think, "Who the hell changed Halloween from scary to stupid?" After some consideration and twelve seconds in photoshop I did find a way to make it creepy as hell:

I bet that's what frogs think the grim reaper looks like.

Lameness- 7

Options for improvement- 1.Paint face black and carry a scythe with frog guts/souls on it. 2. Find someone dressed as miss piggy and make muppet porn.

Shaymus O'Cavey

The radical Irish Neanderthal who smites his enemies with what appears to be a giant turd.
The biggest problem here is that you'll get kicked out of school for wearing faux fur and carrying a weapon. Especially if you live in Britain, where they are trying to outlaw faux hunting.

Lameness- 4

Options for improvement- 1. Glue corn and peanuts to the turd and get drunk enough to fight. 2. Use a real turd.

The Caterpillar that no one loved.

This looks more like a movie prop than a costume. Assuming you could talk three of your friends into not leaving your side for an entire day, at least you'd be able to share the shame of looking stupid. You will also get the joy of being unable to run from predators or sneak out a fart. Heat rises, and the only exit is through the neck holes. I think about these things.

Lameness- 9

Options for improvement- I'd say choreograph some dance moves so you'll at least have a shtick, but nothing will change the fact that you are wearing a caterpillar suit.

Larvae/Grub/Human Infant

(This image was posted in this orientation, which I found amusing, so I left it)

I'm not sure if my parents ever dressed me up as a starfish or a tootsie roll before I was old enough to protest, so I'll resent them for it just in case. There are hundreds of adorable costumes like these for infants and they are all too consumed with being cute to fully exploit the child. Where is the imagination here? Sure, attaching an umbilical cord and carting your child around in a jar labeled "abortion" would be to cross every line of taste that is left to cross after my writing that, but you could dress him/her up as an ultrasound or chew toy or something. Overall, the cute infant costumes fall flat like the infants within them.

Lameness-5

Options for improvement- If I had this costume and a child that would fit in it, I'd paint them both the color of a dead worm and build a large tequila bottle to house them. That's the sort of thinking that separates the men from the boys.

The Tree from Poltergeist's Unscary Younger Brother

Lameness-8

Options for improvement- Something involving a chainsaw or a hippie chained to your trunk might be cool. I'd also replace that butterfly with live ants.

Unimaginative Ripoff

This is what Spongebob would look like if he was even more flamboyant and had a human head growing out of his face. This could be attributed to underwater nuclear testing or oil spills, and if you are going that route, add some tumors or something. This one pretty much sucks on wheels no matter what you do to it.

Lameness- 9 (originally a 7, bumped up because adults should know better)

Options for improvement- Stay home with your cats.

Garbageface the Clown

Hey parents, nothing says "I love you but was too drunk to remember to pick up a shitty Halloween costume at the gas station" better than a child sent to school with household waste strapped to his face and a dirty mitten on his head. If you are considering this, forget it. Your child will unceremoniously toss it in the first dumpster he passes no matter how much Drano you used to make the nose red.

Lameness- 11 (bonus for making child want to kill parents)

Options for improvement- If you think using trash as a Halloween costume is a good idea, I'm not sure what direction this improvement would take us. I guess you could make him wear a bag of vomit around his neck or something.

Study in Animal Abuse

It's bad enough that this dog was born as a smaller, less effective version of a much more badass dog, so why dress him up like a pumpkin and pose him in front of a flower bed? It is already clear that God hates him.

Lameness- 6 (small dogs have an inherent lameness that effects their score)

Options for improvement- Ask yourself if you'd like to be dressed that way. Even if you do, your dog would probably rather be dressed as a robot or something.

Dragsterhund

Finally, a costume that kicks some ass. Is it going to be a Top Fuel car or a rickshaw for dolls? Maybe "Veterans of Foreign Wars Wienerdog". In any case, I'd paint flames on it. You can see it written on the dog's face that he's glad he's not a pumpkin. He has the best costume, and doesn't care who knows it.

Lameness- 1 (only because it obviously isn't finished)

Options for improvement- Sky's the limit, but I'd go the top fuel route and slap some sponsor stickers on the dog, build a dummy motor with straight pipes that shoot real fire, maybe fatten up those tires a bit for heat dispersion, get a nice set of skydiving goggles to protect his eyes at high speed, and call it the best Halloween ever.

Dusty