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Online Dating 101
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11/30/2004
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Lesson one, part one- Creating your profile.
Disclaimer: Since I have never attempted to date a guy on line, most of the information herein will be from a dude's view of online dating. Forgive me for not being willing to go gay for the sake of this column. They don't pay me enough...yet.
The most common misconception about online dating is that everyone on the web is a drooling pervert and/or cannibalistic serial killer. Some of the most stable people I have ever met were found on the internet. The fact is, there are far more people who aren't crazy than are crazy in the world, and meeting them in person at a bar as opposed to a website does not guarantee that they don't have a taste for human flesh.
The other misconception is not a misconception at all. While television might add 20 pounds, an internet dating profile definitely takes off about 40. If a girl says she has a "few extra pounds", keep in mind that a few can mean 50 or 200. Cool if that's what you are in to, but if you aren't, it is still a fact. Just try not to look surprised when she lumbers up to you in a crowded restaurant. For what it's worth, the big girls are always more fun to talk to. Just don't say anything like "you seem too cool to be skinny, I bet you're huge" in your e-mail exchange. Never works.
Your name
You'll first have to decide on a screen name. Please don't work your physical attributes into your handle. Examples of this would be "sexyblueyes54193478", "longleggedninja873", or "southerngalwitheyestoofarapart69". Just use a word or a name. If you have to add numbers to it, it is because other people have already used that name.
Your Picture
Post a damn picture, for God's sake. And make it a recent one. Not the freak picture that you just happen to look good in, either. Those are easy to spot. If you say you are 30 years old and post a picture of yourself wearing a cheerleading outfit, you are setting yourself up for failure. If you start up correspondence with a person who won't post a picture, you can only blame yourself when it doesn't pan out. Guys love to tell ourselves that maybe she didn't post a picture because she is so beautiful that she was afraid she would be deluged with horny males who are only judging her on the surface. That happens exactly 0% of the time. If a girl were that smokingly hot, she:
a. Wouldn't need to find a date on the internet
b. Would probably want to show off her hottitude in order to sustain the fragile ego that comes with being a hot chick, and
c. Wouldn't have much to offer beyond outer beauty, so getting to know her as a person would be an exercise in boredom. If you find an exception to this rule, marry her.
Don't post a picture taken at Glamour Shots. You can't possibly need an explanation for that. Below are a few examples of pictures taken from online dating ads, ranging from horrible to horribly horrible. Where necessary, images have been digitifically altered so as to make it impossible to recognize the individual, so don't even try.
First, the grainy crappy picture that was taken with a $19 webcam. You see a lot of these, and the face is usually at least halfway out of the picture but it doesn't matter because these pictures never look like humans unless you have some weird kind of skin pixellation disorder or just covered your face in fruity pebbles. In which case I am sorry.
You run across these once in a while as well. Much like the first few rounds of American Idol when you ask yourself "Didn't anyone ever tell this person they weren't a good singer?", you are looking at someone who thinks they are something they are not. If she had been standing up, the picture would be fine. But no, she had to show us her pendulous mammaries in an effort to find mister right.
Glamour shots. Come on. At least I didn't have to alter her appearance to protect her identity. She did it herself with that cute, flirty little hat. Why do glamour shots always have them holding their collar? Because they did a study. A study that showed the glamourousness going up by 14% when the hands were close to the face. Add a soft-focus filter to that and you get another 9%. Yes, 23% more glamourosity.
Okay, you're hot. Maybe you're a model. WE GET IT. Don't post your portfolio images on line. It scares the mortals away.
Sassy, anyone? Seriously with the Glamour Shots: just stop it. All we know about you is how sultry a bunch of part time mall-employed makeup artists can make you look with the right sequined jacket.
Next week's lesson- The self-description. Stay tuned.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 2:41 PM |
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12 Comments:
*smooches*
Thea
*parade wave*
Thea
Just because a girl is HOT doesn't mean she won't use an online dating website. I actually posted one for a while - but I was getting 100+ freaky responses a week.
And there are psychos out there - If I forwarded 1/2 of the ones with foot fetishes to you - it would jam your mailbox...
Been there, done that...
T
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