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Resolved: I will not drink pee in the coming year.
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11/23/2004
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I drink one gallon of water every day. Some people think it helps you lose weight because it cleans your guts out or something. Wrong. What really happens is that you have to pee approximately every ten minutes, and by noon you have walked an extra nine miles to and from the bathroom. On the way to the bathroom, I filled up my water bottle and threw a little crystal light lemonade powder in for flavor and a dose of that delicious carcinogen sweetener they use. On the way out of the bathroom I got some very odd stares from some people in the hallway. Figuring I had left my pants unzipped, I checked my fly. That was when I realized that I had just left the bathroom with a bottle of yellow liquid in my right hand.
Without thinking, I took a swig just to prove that it was in fact delicious lemonade and not reclaimed urine. One of the guys actually flinched. I don't think they bought it.
On my 78th trip to the bathroom, I was standing at the urinal thinking "some people just don't care who hears them blowing ass after lunch." You know those guys that will come in and say hi as they are walking past you, shut the door to the stall, and proceed to evacuate their bowels like it's an Olympic sport. Then they flush six times and come out like nothing happened and want to pick up a conversation with you. I don't want to talk to you, mister poobutt. Not until the memory of those sounds and smells has faded.
Thanksgiving being just around the bend, I have decided to start working on my new year's resolutions. Last year I resolved to gain five pounds and not wear a dress. I'm probably the only person you know who has been successful with his resolutions. For 2005, I'm thinking my resolution will be to pay my taxes since I'm pretty used to it. Once that's done, I resolve not to wear any holiday sweaters or get pregnant.
I went drill shopping at the Home Depot this weekend. My Ryobi 14v cordless finally gave up after several years of faithful service. I hardly cried at all. I wanted something in the 24v range just in case I needed to dislocate a shoulder while drilling. For just over $200, I found a pretty good one made by Rigid, but then I made a wonderful discovery. 24 volts is pretty cool, but also pretty expensive. An electrical outlet in America provides 110 volts and however many amps you need (within reason). How much does a corded drill cost?
About $50.
So for $50, I can have 110 volts of bone-jarring power at my disposal. Sold. I also bought a masonry bit, just in case I had to drill a hole in concrete. Can't do that with a cordless drill.
This drill has a certain thoroughbred power to it. I plugged it in and revved it up. It torque rolled about 45 degrees against my grip and sounded like a shop vac, scaring the cat back into hiding. I couldn't contain my gleeful laughter. Love it. There are a couple of new holes in the brick in my house, and I'll figure out something to hang there eventually. Give me a yell if you need holes where none are present.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 4:19 AM |
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7 Comments:
Keep those funfly types flying with Ryobi power!
Mad Love,
Thea
for $150.00 more dollars you could have gotten a full destructo/constructo kit from sears with a nailgun/stapler,cordless drill,sawzall,chopsaw and flashlight made by craftsman. I bought mine last week and i am considering a new career. One could find many uses for all of these tools. I am still trying to find one of them. I used the flashlight to tour my sons sheet fort. Well worth the price. go to sears.com and look up item #11459. Now those are tools.
peace, smitty
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