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Online Dating 101- Part 3
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12/14/2004
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Lesson one, part three- Correspondence
Now that your profile has been active for a while (and using my professional tips, no doubt receiving unheard-of response), you are probably thinking "Hey most awesome guru of all things online daterly, what the hell do I say to him/her when I e-mail him/her?"
If you happen to be a girl, the answer is "anything you want", because men don't get many responses, and due to the numbers-game aspect of it, we will reply to anything. I once had a girl tell me she was offended by my profile (must have been the part about having a master's degree in misogyny), and we still ended up going out a couple of times.
For guys it is more complicated, which sucks for us as most of us are not very good at expressing ourselves in writing. Or any other way, for that matter. We'd be better served if we could cyberfart and armwrestle our way into their hearts.
The first thing to remember is that you are writing to a complete stranger. Don't assume that they share your love of obscure porn references or exotic reptiles. On the other hand, it is very easy to make it sound like a form letter too, so what I am saying is that no matter what you do it will be wrong. Since you know it is going to sound sort of dumb by virtue of the fact that it is what it is, do your best to fail gracefully. A little self-deprecation goes a long way if properly executed. Notice I said "a little".
Since I am really good at knowing what not to do (and I don't want to give away my secrets), I offer the following aborted first e-mails-
Too much info in too little time-
Hi Amy,
Wow, this is totally the first time I have ever done this. I feel like such a loser. Living in my mom's basement doesn't do much for the self-image either. Mommy says I need to get out and meet a nice girl, but due to my skin condition I don't go out much (the constant scratching makes it bleed). All the girls I know are relatives, and some are cute, but everyone thinks that's wrong (really wrong according to the judge, LOL). Well anyways I want to celebrate my release and go do something like see a movie or get a funnel cake. You savvy?
-Angus
Level 52 Enchanted Halfling
Warcraft
See, that one got off on the wrong foot and ended on the really creepy, infected foot. I wouldn't lie about living with your mom. I'd move out and then worry about dating. The rest of it is just more crap than anyone wants.
Too little info in too much time, while trying way too hard-
Greetings,
While contemplating the (perhaps) content of the message you are about to read, I was faced with a dilemma not unlike the second act of Julius Caesar in which Brutus finds himself locked in the classic struggle of man vs. himself. Is it too early to reveal my luddite leanings? Ever the pathrampist, I solved this conundrum through a combination of reasoning, Aristotelian philosophy, and a fine single malt scotch. Okay, I doubled the single malt. Unfortunately that does not create double malt (as traditional mathematics may lead one to believe), but rather a heightened state of inebriation. It is in this slightly altered state that I come to you with warmed heart and flared nostrils to impart upon you my desire to somehow gain the favour of your familiarity.
Do you take pleasure in the labyrinthine bouquet of a fine sauvignon? Have you a desire to gaze upon the works of the great masters...
ALRIGHT. Reading that stuff makes people want to kill themselves. No one wants to read an e-mail with dictionary.com open in another window and a stack of cliff's notes so they'll know what the hell you are talking about. A sesquipedalian* writing style is a sign of ignorance.**
This is moving along a little too fast for a first attempt-
Hey Sexy,
I have to admit; when I saw your picture I was taken aback. Your smile lit up the room and I was hypnotized by your eyes. You are the kind of woman I would be happy holding in my massively ripped arms, or simply bending over and knocking the bottom out of. Have you ever tried the reverse gusher? What about the whirling dervish? With legs like yours wrapped around my ceiling fan, I could make you feel like the naughty little slut you are. Call me and we'll have totally rad phone sex (or actual sex. I have a herpe with your name on it) - 404.555.3563
-Mark
Ladies, raise your hand if you would respond to a letter like that. If your hand is up, you have a stage name and severe daddy issues. If you are a guy who would write something like that, I don't know what to say. I sort of hate you, but also admire your ability to deny the existence of your own stupidity.
Thus ends the online dating seminar. I know, it ended with lesson one, but you are now well on your way to a short, meaningless relationship with a chick who's probably a dude. Plus, once you've been on a date, it's not really on line anymore, is it? As soon as I finish my own dating profile, I'll post a link so you can all see how the pros do it.
*Thanks Nathan
**yes, I used a big word to ironically prove my point, sort of like misspelling the word "spelling" in last week's issue. Please hold the e-mails. The fact that I even have to explain this makes me die a little inside.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 10:57 AM |
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4 Comments:
Sexxymamama6969,
oops,
becky
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