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Superhuman Killing Machines Have Right-of-Way
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12/22/2004
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During the holiday season, there is lots of traffic in the Metro Atlanta area, particularly near popular malls like Lenox and Phipps Plaza in beautiful upscale Buckhead (where you can spend $7000 on a pair of jeans and get shot in a gang fight on the same block. No other city offers such convenience).
I have always hated people who get their stupid asses stuck in an intersection when the light turns red. We all know what happens when people do that. Traffic stops and we sit and watch the light cycle over and over as we come up with more and more creative and painful ways to end the lives of the shitmops who are causing the problem.
When I am elected mayor and have successfully overturned the "no beer on Sunday" law, my next action would be to post cops in every major intersection whose sole purpose was to write tickets to idiots. If I thought we could get away with it, I'd say just take their driver's license and burn it in front of their face, and then a big magnet would come down from a crane, pick up their car and hurl it into the woods somewhere.
Yesterday it took me 30 minutes to get out of the PARKING LOT where I work because these human gland-squeezings think they will magically get home faster if they stop traffic altogether.
As my holiday cheer went down the toilet, I began modifying my plan to end this problem. Imagining the satisfying meaty "thwap" sound a hollow point bullet would make as it tore through the face of such motorists, I thought that maybe engineering a race of superhuman killing machines to replace the cops in the intersections would be a better plan. You can't reason with a superhuman killing machine, so no one could talk their way out of it. They also have no conscience, so expensive counseling would not be needed, and superhuman killing machines will work for cake. They love cake. Just teach them which people to shoot in the face and have some cake handy. Problem solved.
After considering the possible PR disaster that would result if we ran out of cake and the mutant killers went off on a face-shooting rampage, I decided that mechanizing the process would be more controllable. At the four corners of most intersections there are usually light posts or some other weapon mounting system. Imagine a high powered flame thrower that shot a burning liquid which binds to organic matter and fear makes it burn even hotter. Yeah, I know. Rad. Now imagine the tortured screams of the intersection blocker as he burns alive in his car. It is almost impossible to comprehend what a clear signal that would send to other drivers.
By now, you have the following two questions for me: "Dusty, were you actually genetically altered to make yourself so awesome?" and "What would we do with the burned-out hulk of the car that is left in the intersection?"
The answer to the first question is yes, and the answer to the second question is this: The car and charred body would be taken by helicopter to the driver's address, where it would be dropped on his home from several hundred feet, burning down the house and hopefully killing the offender's entire family. The remaining scrap from the car would be recycled and used to make wheelchairs for handicapped orphans. Because I'm compassionate.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 9:08 AM |
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11 Comments:
However, the high-powered flame thrower idea IS indeed rad...although I envisioned a little mechanical dust broom and dust pan emerging from the flame thrower to sweep up the remains of the carcass and what's left of the vehicle. But I can hardly argue with dropping the remains on those likely to be genetically responsible for the deceased.
or superhuman killing machines. that's good too.
noelle
All other things aside though mate, Have a great Christmas and thanks for the split sides all year.
You might think you have it rough though. Christmas in Australia is stinkin' hot and we still have endless Christmas songs walking us through winter wonderlands and dashing through the snow etc. Bring on the killing machines I say!
- Fugsy
Hey, when you're mayor, could you possibly do me a favor (even though your laws in Atlanta will do absolutely nothing for me in Los Angeles)? My mom's disabled and has a hard time walking, and it pisses me off when I see some asswipe pulling into a handicapped space and walking out cool as you please, sometimes forcing my mom to park clear over on the other side of the lot. Could you make a law that would put a computer chip in the cars of handicapped persons (who are actually, legitimately disabled), and install sensors in the disabled parking? Then, when some asshat tries to park there, spikes will pop out from the ground, pop the offender's tires, and a police officer will be notified to come and burn their license before their very eyes - as you so wisely suggested -, and fine them $25,000? Or more? The money could go to whatever, that would be up to your disgression.
Well, thanks for listening to my proposal. Dusty for mayor, yo! I would so campaign for you, man...
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