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A Cold Sore Named Titan
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1/25/2005
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One night last week I went to sleep with a tiny zit on my lip where my moustache would go if I were capable of growing one and not a genetically mutated manchild. This morning I woke up thinking a giant beetle had laid eggs in my lip and stored a dead otter in there for the larvae to feed upon when they hatched.
Seriously. This is the kind of thing that raises concerns.
Looking in the mirror was like looking at your finger after you pull it from a running garbage disposal. No matter how bad you think it's going to be, you aren't prepared for what you see.
My lip needed its own area code. It was about the size and shape of a lunar probe, and even had a tiny American flag sticking out of it. I named it "titan" in honor of Jupiter's moon. When I smiled I looked like a stroke victim- half of my mouth was all floppy and unresponsive and stupid. For one hilarious second I entertained the possibility that I had "just slept on it wrong." Like I was able to sleep all night with my upper lip slammed in the window. Whatever.
I am retarded.
It wasn't like a gaping wound or anything. It was just big and painful. Having never seen this particular part of my body in this particular condition, I decided then and there to go to the doctor. In addition to being retarded, I am a man of action.
The doc came in and I told him it felt like I slept with a running jackhammer on my face. I was confused and relieved when he told me it was a cold sore. I had tonsillitis the previous week, and this was apparently one fun side effect of having had a fever. See, all this time I thought a cold sore was a little lesion on your mouth. I had no idea it involved so much pain. I was sure this was going to require amputation and perhaps a lancing or two. I imagined leaving the doc's office with some kind of lip drainage bag strapped to my waist. Look out ladies...
He prescribed Valtrex for my hideous disfigurement and I instantly thought of those "I'm living a full life with herpes" commercials. I asked him if I could go ride a bicycle down a shady lane in a carefree fashion. He seemed cool with that, but told me that this wasn't the evil "downstairs" kind. You have to work a little harder to get that kind.
In any case, Valtrex will fix a cold sore faster than a microwaved baby, and I don't even know what that means. So there.
Tonight I am going to my friend's birthday party. He is turning 24 or something, so naturally we are having his party at Chuck-e-Cheese. Expect a write up on that soon. I personally look forward to being way too big to be allowed into that awesome room full of plastic balls and germs. I guess I'll have to find another place to pee.
I am also foregoing my mortgage payment this month in hopes of winning big on the skeeball lanes. I'm expecting a 200% return in the form of vinyl wallets, Spongebob digital watches, and oversized stuffed animals, which I will sell on e-bay at a huge profit.
If nothing else, the music will be awesome and the pizza will be average.
Speaking of awesome music, I am now going to take an opportunity to tell you where to be this Friday for some of the best music Atlanta has to offer (in my infallible opinion). Ballyhoo Orchestra, Jango Monkey, and Lindsay Rakers Band will all be playing at Jakes Toadhouse in Decatur this Friday, January 28th at 8 pm, and this show promises to funk your skull with smooth jams until you either explode or become pregnant with the seed of ROCK, which will ultimately manifest itself in the form of you becoming 90% more awesome.
Come for the good music, stay to throw things at me.
I'm bringing my breast-signing pen just in case. Go to the Toadhouse website for directions. I'd better see you there, or you're all grounded.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 6:00 AM |
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9 Comments:
Doubtful.
It was instantaneous death by Valtrex.
thea@what.org/net
For reference, if anyone wants to make personal inquiries, just send me an e-mail- click on my name next to my mugshot. Same goes for insults.
It has certainly been entertaining, though.
"It's a brand new day"
No worries, Dusty. I had to take the stuff for shingles and it worked like a charm.
-Melis
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