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So Good I Forgot to Get Drunk.
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1/4/2005
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I've never been an attender of big New Year's parties. Not until this year. This year I went to the big par-tay, and I think I will make it a habit from here on out. Have you ever had one of those nights where everything just went perfectly? So perfectly that you forget that you are supposed to be getting drunk?
My friend Judd came out from Denver and we hung out all weekend. Friday night we went to a huge New Year's Eve party, and our dates were two of the most gorgeously hottified women there. Possibly anywhere.
You know what I love about going somewhere formal with a girl? They get all dolled up with manicures, pedicures, suntans, haircuts, new outfits, and all sorts of other stuff that either looks or smells good. It's awesome and I love them for it.
I, on the other hand, went to the trouble of changing the blade in my razor and washing my hair with shampoo instead of bar soap. I may have even powdered my taint, but it's none of your business.
The beers we are holding are called "Skullsplitter", pronounced "SKULLLSPLI--AHH!!" Practice it at the top of your lungs. Good beer, but I'll admit I only bought it because the 4 pack holder has a totally bitchin' picture of a Viking on it and tells the story of Thorfinn Hausakliff or something (his friends call him Skullsplitter, much like mine will if they know what's good for them) and how he ruled the Orkney Isles and was a kickass berserker who wore live badgers under his armor to toughen himself up for a lifetime of destruction.
Number one lesson learned- when attending a party with hot women, any time you get more than five feet away from them they will be approached by another dude. You can't really blame the guy for talking to an attractive girl, so the best course of action is probably just to be cool to him. One such conversation that I slaughtered handily went a little like this-
Me- What's going on, I'm Dusty. *shake hand*
Nick- Hey man, I'm Nick. Love the kilt. (I guess he said Nick, since I'm sure he knows what his own name is, but I swear to god he said Dick)
Me- Nice to meet you, Dick. Did you come to this party last year?
(insert about three more lines of smalltalk)
Judd- So what do you do, Dick? (this is the question that replaces "what's your major" after you get out of college)
Nick- I purchase lumber for Lowe's.
Me- (ever the charmer) So your name is Dick and you buy wood? Are there any jokes you haven't heard along that vein?
Nick- No, it's Dick with an "N".
Me- Dickn?
Judd- hahahahahahahahaha(sneeze)hahaha(cough).
Nick laughed too and turned out to be a decent guy. I even bought him a free beer at the open bar to show my appreciation for his sense of humor.
Second lesson learned- Never underestimate the power of the kilt. Ever. In a sea of dudes in slacks and dark jackets, a kilt is the only way to go. Some of the fellas made comments about them being skirts and stuff, and got their wee skulls split for their trouble. One guy kept riverdancing every time he saw us. Interesting since riverdance is IRISH, and we all know that if it isn't Scottish IT'S CRRAPP.
That was the last thing he saw.
I lost count how many times I was asked if I was wearing anything underneath. Every girl there asked that question, so in fairness I asked them the same thing. It's good to be wearing a conversation piece- especially one with good air circulation. My favorite exchange was this one-
"So what's the answer?"
"To which question?"
"Is there anything under there?"
"Depends on what you are looking for."
Then there was a dude who tried to impress his girlfriend by lifting it. Very bad idea. I managed to preempt that one as he reached for it and then told him to find the other guy in a kilt and try it on him because he surely wouldn't mind. I heard some screaming a few minutes later, followed by sirens and stuff.
After the countdown, everybody blew noisemakers and made out with each other, and I got champagne up my nose. Not advised. It hurt a lot and made me cry. That was the closest any part of the evening came to sucking. I couldn't have had more fun that night if they were handing out porn and free airplane rides.
We headed home and crashed out in various places around my house, and then posed for the "after" picture the next morning. Notice a few things here- Judd seems to be undressing himself while checking out Ashley. At least I hope it is Ashley he is checking out and not me. Crystal, who was twice as drunk as the other three of us combined the night before looks like she just got off of a photo shoot somewhere (this is due to the location of my hand when the picture was taken). I feel fine in the picture but look like I have a mouth full of vomit (also because of where my hand was when the picture was taken), and all I can say about Ashley is that she is wearing high heels, flannel pants, and a fur coat. Oh, and enjoying a tasty frozen treat she found in my freezer. Completely fabulous.
So I bet you are all wondering what the answer to the question of the night is. You'll just have to come to the next party and get me wasted enough to answer you. OR SPLIT YER SKULL.
Merry New Year.
 Dusty
RELATED LINK: http://www.epinions.com/content_14279347844
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posted by Dusty at 2:39 PM |
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8 Comments:
Dippy Finkleshitz - Douchebag Quarterly
Apparently, I'm easy to impress.
Glad you two had a good time New Years Eve Dusty, Merry Thursday!
-Suzanna Danna
http://suzannadanna.diaryland.com/
Oh, by the by, did you ever hear that Scottish drinking song about the guy who goes to the pub, gets drunk, and collapses on the road on the way home? These two girls walk by and see the lad unconscious on the ground, and decide to look under his kilt to see what's there. The giggle in surprise, and one takes a blue ribbon from her hair, and ties it around what she finds. Hours later, the young laddie wakes up, and upon finding the blue ribbon proclaims: "I don't know where I've been, but it looks like I won first prize!" Haha, that one kills me. Yeah. Huh.
Happy New Year, and may 2005 be as ass-kickin' as 2004 was for you, and twice as ass-kickin' as it was for me. ;)
You sisters lipstick.
You can also sub in "mother," as in, "your mother's lipstick.
You may get the CRAAP beat outta you, but you still get to zing the guy beforehand.
Wisconsin Loves Dusty.
Bill in Madison
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