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Dan Rather: An Interview With Insanity
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3/16/2005
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This picture and the "high note" text were posted on MSN.com last week, causing me great confusion:
Scientists have recently discovered that certain levels of psychosis-induced denial, particularly to the point at which the subject completely abandons reality, can cause some inner ear organs to resonate at up to 22 kHz.
This would be the only possible scenario in what is known as "the universe that actually exists" in which Dan Rather could be leaving on a high note. We'll miss you Dan, but not really.
I'd like to offer a couple of alternative photos to the folks at MSN-
Further evidence of his complete lack of connection with the world in which the rest of us live can be seen in this graph showing ratings stats gathered by The Project for Excellence in Journalism. While ratings have been falling as a whole due to the raging influx of bullshit in all electronic media (except bloggers, of course), you can clearly see that CBS has a proud position at the bottom of this particularly fetid gutpile.
I was granted an interview with Mr. Rather shortly after his retirement and took the opportunity to ask some pointed questions.
ST- Hello Dan, it's nice to see you.
DR- Please, call me Dan.
ST- I did.
DR- Yeah, but do it in Gnome language. Gnomes are cool like goblins, but they have tighter bathing suits.
ST- (Turning to Nathan, Editor in Chief of Atlanta Illustrated) Holy crap, Nate. Do I get hazard pay for this?
Nathan- You'll get whatever I give you and you'll smile about it.
ST- So Dan, This graph shows you going out on about the lowest note possible. How do you explain your "high note" statement to the press?
DR- (chuckles) Obviously you have not yet heard of the Bush conspiracy to print everything upside down. If you turn the graph over, I'm on top.
ST- Well, Yeah...but the numbers that correspond to your position are still lower than the other networks.
DR- Bush's subversive plan is a gradual process. Like tying a knot in a pancake. Dubya's gonna' GITCHA'!!
ST- Please stay seated and stop pinching me.
ST- Who do you most admire in Journalism? Do you have an idol, so to speak?
DR- yeah, I have an idol. I freeze dried a squirrel and now he tells me what to do. I worship at the altar of the hallowed acorn, bitch.
ST- (moving chair out of striking distance of Rather) I mean a professional role model.
DR- You remember Baghdad Bob? That one time when he stood there and told everyone in television land that there were no US troops in the city and you could see American tanks in the background? Then after that, the rest of Saddam's employees got put in jail or killed and Bob just skated free and clean as a wet pennywhistle? Now THAT's journalism. Bob's my homey.
ST- Yeah. It's a shame that shitty reporting isn't a crime.
DR- Huh?
ST- Nothing.
DR- Shh...not you...WAIT!
At this point, Mr. Rather dived out of the window and ran down the street screaming the lyrics to the Bruce Springsteen hit "Hungry Heart". We can only hope that the printing of this column finds him heavily medicated and restrained. In his haste to leave, he left a folder containing his official discharge papers from CBS. Apparently he continued to work there after this memo was issued because everyone was afraid of him. This is the official and original document from 1973 (we can tell because the Microsoft Word interface is in black and white) and it hasn't been tampered with in any way at all.
 Click for larger image
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 8:39 AM |
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10 Comments:
hehehe
Phew. Thank God no 'biting incident' in my past!
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