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Large order of Wildebeest McTenders, please.
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3/1/2005
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This Sunday at 6 pm on Animal Planet they will be featuring a story about a lioness who seems to have adopted a baby antelope. Interesting. So I went to the discovery website and looked up the show to learn more. They spun it as a heartwarming story of a lonely lioness who took in a baby antelope to love and care for.
Awww...how sweet. They're lying together in the African plains like a family of African bunnies.
What? Not so fast, bitch. I own you.
See, while the hippies at Discovery want you to believe that this is a story of tender compassion and one lioness's crusade to bridge the interspecies gap between predator and prey, I am here to expose it for what it really is- a massive evolutionary step. Lions aren't going to become vegan and start protecting the rights of victimized animals; they are going to domesticate their food source.
Here is what my exhaustive research has revealed about these two animals-
Lion- Big, mean, lots of pointy parts used to kill/eat other animals. Closely related to sharks, battleships, and Green Berets. Widely known as nature's badass.
Oryx(this particular species of antelope) - Pretty large, good runners, both delicious and stupid, like cows. Cool horns.
This scenario is something that is not often seen in the animal kingdom, and here we are wasting our time examining how adorable it is. Ronald McDonald probably domesticated the first cow the same way. A fully grown wild cow could kick a human's ass in a fight, so he started with a baby one. An adult Oryx has big and very sharp horns that could kill a lion, so she got one with little nubs on its head. The lion knows that little Oryx grow to be big Oryx, and after having gotten used to the lion's presence, it'll never see death coming, right? Wrong.
If this evolutionary jump is as big as I think it is (and I've never been wrong before), the lion is only in the first stages of her plan. Watch as it unfolds over the coming months- she'll kidnap a few more Oryx to breed, and she'll hire some elephants and giraffes to build a large area in which to house her herd. She will pay the elephants and giraffes by not eating them, as that is the accepted currency among african wildlife. With time, steroids, and cruel slaughtering practices, she will soon corner the Serengeti fast food market.
Brilliant.
The long term effects of this are that lions will become lazy and fat, elephants and giraffes will probably unionize (leading to an immigration problem when camels cross the Egyptian border to do the work at half the price) and PETA won't know who to hate when it turns out that lions are raising vealelopes in cages and making souvenir helmets with their horns.
Hopefully our enterprising lioness has already thought this through. In any case, I have created the following conceptual drawing of the future of the African plains. Get used to it, hippies.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 9:49 AM |
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14 Comments:
My Kung Fu is no match for your photoshop skillz.
That" Thank you, I'll be here all week..try the veal.
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