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Sex Swings and Cell Phones
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3/27/2005
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I finally bought a TiVo last week. If you haven't already heard this, a TiVo is like a cell phone or a sex swing; you are fine without one until you have one, and then you are pretty much ruined. They could change the monthly subscription price to $400 and I'd pay it.
As with any new technological gadget, I was duty bound as a man to show it off to all of my friends- "Hey, check out my new grill. Let's cook some meat and drink beer. Oh, by the way, I can watch eleven straight hours of Sealab 2021. ANY. TIME. I. WANT. TO."
One of the features TiVo has is an ability to guess which programs you would enjoy and record them based on the programs you have recorded in the past. Great idea, but the factory preset is "embarrass." Here I am all proud of my new ability to pause live television and fast forward through commercials, telling my neighbor how completely awesome it is, and we go to the pre-recorded show list. See? There's Family Guy, Reno 911, every show with the word "monster" or "weapon" in the title, and...what the hell...?
"So...you recorded a show on Oxygen called 'Mr. Romance'?"
"Shut up. What?"
"Yeah, and apparently you're a fan of the Ashlee Simpson show. The words 'bag' and 'douche' come to mind, but not necessarily in that order."
Since I live alone, I had no one to blame but technology. I had it set to record American Chopper, which is one of two "reality" shows I can watch without wanting to go on a shooting rampage that ends with my suicide. The show description was something like "Paul Jr. builds the loudest motorcycle in the world entirely out of hand grenades and the skulls of terrorists while his dad beats him with a short length of garden hose. Reality (CC)" Just below it is the description of the unfathomably irrelevant Ashlee Simpson show- "Ashlee gets her hair cut before recording another monumentally uninspired song that no one cares about. Reality (CC)"
One of these things is not like the other. By the way, if you like the Ashlee Simpson show, please shit in a plastic bag and wear it over your head until you suffocate. I'm sure she's a nice girl, but if I don't have a television show, she shouldn't either.
All the TiVo knows is the word "reality" and assumes that I like anything that claims to be a reality show. Somewhere along the line I guess I recorded something that fell in the genre "someone crying every three minutes", because my dumb TiVo box keeps recording stuff from Oxygen about people dealing with their feelings and coming to terms with things. Yeah. If they aren't coming to terms with being on fire, I'd just as soon be uninvolved.
So until TiVo wises up and learns that I only like television that includes animated milkshakes, explosions, airplanes, welding, and very sick humor, I have disabled the auto record feature.
That is my only gripe about it, however. If you are still on the fence, consider this: For a mere $199 (and a $13 monthly subscription), you may never again have to watch that tragic KFC commercial where Hootie (of Blowfish fame) sings about chicken sandwiches in the dying spasms of his career.
Seriously, think about it.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 10:32 PM |
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13 Comments:
*touch touch touch*
keep the humor coming dusty.
You clearly need to be giving the thumbs-down to these girly shows it's watching for you. Don't be afraid to use the thumbs-down liberally.
Glad to know that I'm not the only one that reality TV inspires violence in!
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