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Deliverance on Ice
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5/04/2005
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First, let's remember that "good" is relative and consider the source of these ideas before casting judgment. To me, funny equals good. Unfortunately, funny also usually equals wildly inappropriate and unethical.
Some good ideas come as an epiphany. For instance, the commercial with Michael J. Fox and Mohammed Ali that was supposed to make me hypersensitive to the issue of Parkinson's disease only served as a catalyst for a really insensitive line of bobble head dolls. It's how my mind works. I can't help it.
When the Pope was lying on display in Vatican City wearing his red and white robes, I was instantly on the phone with my young niece and nephew. Someone had to tell them that Santa Claus died.
Seize the moment. Even if it means your sister will never talk to you again.
Other great ideas are built of smaller, less awesome ideas. We sometimes tend to forget the process once the pinnacle idea has been reached. What follows is the birthing process of two such ideas. I'd diagram my dilation in centimeters and mark the exact moment of crowning, but you're not stupid. Besides, the fact that cervical dilation is measured in centimeters is just more proof that the metric system is for pussies. So follow along and shut up.
Sitting in traffic on the way to lunch one day, I was staring at the only thing worse than the guy who wrote that "Men are from Mars" book- a person blocking the intersection and therefore my progress toward food. I explained to my friend Dave that when I am elected king of Atlanta, there will be flame throwers mounted at all intersections to reduce these morons to puddles of molten steel and boiling flesh when the opposite light turns green.
Dave- "Exactly. I wish we had some water ballons...frozen water balloons."
Me- "That would kick ass and be slightly more legal than roasting them alive. We should fill them with paint or pig blood or something."
Dave- "Fill them with fox urine."
Me- "Ohh...awesome. Fox urine and live scorpions in one hellish balloon."
See? It started with my anger at people being shitty drivers, and ended with fox urine and scorpions. To me, that proves that Jesus loves me and wants me to be happy.
The concept of a Walt Disney produced "Deliverance on Ice" is beautiful on its own, especially when you consider we won't be providing any of the actors with ice skates, but it started out as an innocent conversation I had on a date.
She- "See, people think I'm a sicko, but I think Deliverance is an excellent movie."
Me- "I do too. The only reason people think you're sick is because all they can remember is the sodomy scene. Makes you wonder who the sick one is."
She- "What's your excuse?"
Me- "Do I look like I'm making excuses? I have rights to the Steven Hawking 'broken cranial restraint' Bobble head doll. I am sick."
She- "Yeah, they don't even show anything in that scene. The only vulgar part of that scene is the fat guy going bananas in his skivvies."
Me- "Mm hmm. Gross. I think it's worse when they don't show anything. People's imaginations are their worst enemy."
She- "They don't even swear in that movie. I mean they say hell and damn, but none of the big ones."
Me- "Really? I guess I didn't even notice."
She- "Yeah. By today's standards it would be rated G."
Me- "It'd probably be animated by Disney"
She- "The Banjos would sing and dance with the weird hillbilly kid."
Me- "Then there'd be 'Deliverance on ice.'"
She- "SWEET. Use real mountain people."
Me- "And don't give them skates."
I think the reason I'm not rich is that the forces of the universe have conspired to keep ideas like that from being produced. Damn conspiring forces.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 4:05 AM |
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19 Comments:
As for the bobblehead idea, Roman Catholics would love the Pope John Paul (not Santa Clause) bobblehead. Just make sure his shoes look new!
knpepper
Bwahahahahaha! You, Dusty, are an evil genius. Love it!
Pure unadulterated GENIUS!!!
And nothing's better than being really uncomfortable laughing about something like those bobblehead dolls. You know it's oh so wrong, yet you can't help but laugh. I need that as my screensaver.
I found it nothing less than the usual collection of hillarious thoughts.
What?
(Hey, I'm honest about it!)
http://amusingaffronts.blogspot.com
I always thought the campaign "theme" song would be dropped after finding out which album it came from.
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