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Hate Mail 101
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5/18/2005
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I have a mailing list that sends an e-mail to two thousand some odd people every time I write something. People sign up because they find this stuff amusing.
Occasionally people don't want to be notified anymore because they realize that I suck. In such a scenario, the thing to do would be to click on the link that says "Unsubscribe" and be removed from the list. If that doesn't work (which it sometimes doesn't), send me an e-mail saying "hey, I couldn't get taken off your list. Can you remove me?" And I'll write back "Sure thing. Sorry for the problems."
I'm as nice as you are in any given situation.
For some reason, the anonymity of communicating via e-mail gives people big muscles. Big, stupid, reactionary, litigious cybermuscles. Most people's first reaction to any sort of perceived injustice is to threaten a lawsuit. Think about it, for god's sake- would you say the same thing in real life?
Grocery store scenario- A guy bumps your shopping cart.
"YOU JUST BROKE A LAW OR SOMETHING AND EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT LAW I'M GOING TO SUE YOU, YOU JACKSKULLED SHITMOP. EXPECT A CALL FROM A BUNCH OF LAWYERS THAT I JUST CONJURED UP FOR THE SAKE OF THIS ARGUMENT."
I get this crap all the time via e-mail, and it has become the highlight of my life. The key is how you respond. With enough sarcasm, anything is possible. Take for example, a note I received from one Trisha Kee (hi Trisha!). Trisha wanted to be removed from my e-mail list, and requested as follows-
From: Trisha Kee
To: Dusty Scott
Subject: Re: Blah blah blah
ASSHOLE STOP EMAILING ME! I WILL REPORT YOU TO HOTMAIL FOR SPAMMING!
So I responded in kind-
Dusty Scott wrote:
TAKE YOURSELF OFF THE LIST.
Love always,
-dusty
To which she replied-
From: Trisha Kee
To: Dusty Scott
Subject: Re: Blah blah blah
LOOK ASSHOLE...I DID A WHILE BACK AND YOU STILL CONTINUE TO SEND EMAILS.
BY THE WAY, WHEN YOUR IN SALES RELATED BUSINESS, DON'T SEND EMAILS THAT YELL - "TAKE YOURSELF OFF THE LIST!" TYPICALLY, YOU'LL PISS PEOPLE OFF.
PIECE OF SHIT.
I love, love, LOVE the last sentence, especially when coupled with the perfect grammar and attempt at cutting sarcasm. Fortunately I am highly trained in Sarc-won-do...
From: Dusty Scott
Sent: Wednesday, May 11, 2005 4:19 PM
To: trishakeexxxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Blah blah blah
Dearest Trisha,
Calling people "asshole" is such a great way to smooth things over. Heck, I wish I'd thought of it! I was only typing in caps to you because I thought maybe your caps lock key was broken and I didn't want you to feel all weird about it. In any case, I can tell that you are quite lettered in sales-related businesses by the professional soothing tone of your prose. I hope our budding relationship is not too far damaged to prevent me learning more from you about being a mature, respectable adult.
Per your note, I have sent an e-mail to Narnok, the enchanted database magician on microchip mountain, and he said that violent action will be taken as soon as you make it clear what your request is. Being a piece of shit, I could not possibly be expected to make any changes without some help from wiser, more enchanted beings. I'm sure you understand.
Just between you and me, Narnok might act more quickly if you send him a sandwich or a funnel cake. He loves funnel cakes. I have also seen good results when people fold his laundry.
Eternally yours,
-dusty
P.S. The caps lock key is 9/16 of an inch away from the "a" key. To the left.
Amazingly, I still haven't heard back from her. Even more amazingly, the hotmail spam swat team hasn't come crashing through my windows in the middle of the night to torture and detain me indefinitely.
If I can make a sort of public service announcement at this time- Please, hit "save" instead of "send" if you write an e-mail while angry. The face you save may be your own.
Something to do-
Here's where you should be next Wednesday- My most favoritest local band, Ballyhoo Orchestra will be opening on May 25th at the Earthlink Live joint (The Loft) in midtown for Wednesday Night Drinking Club's fanstastimo Memorial Day Kickoff Bashoramathon. Show starts at 7 pm, so if you get there at ten, don't cry that you didn't get to see them play. Sure, you'll be able to see them someday when they pack arenas around the world, but if you see them next week, you can say you knew them when they were underground. Plus you can throw stuff at me if you want.
 Dusty
RELATED LINK: www.ballyhooorchestra.com
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posted by Dusty at 7:21 AM |
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21 Comments:
PS Sarcasm rules
Rik
You rock my world!
Kinky...
Andrea, maybe she's been taking those pills, just sticking them up her bum instead of swallowing.
Being deeply moved by the obviously seething, passionate exchange between you and Trisha - I could sense the throb of mutual desire 'between the lines' - I thought, maybe you could come up with a new line on your 'Notify' emails; if the 'remove me' isn't working, how about a 'subscribe to the "Remove Me" updates list'? If you don't see the profound wisdom in this almost Zen concept, think it over after a half-dozen Margaritas.
The drink, that is. Suddenly it will shine through. It's working for me...
See you back at Diaryland, dood...
katanabright
I think I actually attested to my own stupidity, unlike this weird ceature who either may have been on some form of drug (hormonal or recreational) or who may have been dipping into the sauce (to put it nicely).
Alternatively, she's just downright stupid. Yup, I think that may be it.
knpepper
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