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Dang ol' Blarg
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6/7/2005
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Behold...the floating cliche- A pontoon boat with four passengers. I could have reached out and touched them from where I was on the dock, but didn't want to. Two men and two women- both men had moustaches and mullets; a combination that renders women weak in the knees. One was wearing a shirt that said "The ONLY fish in the sea" with one of those Jesus fish you see on the backs of cars parked in strip club parking lots and liquor stores. As if to drive home the depth of his faithful Christianity, he was clutching a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other, muttering something about the goddamn (insert slang term for any non-white ethnic group) and how they're taking our jobs. The other guy had a NASCAR ad on his shirt and was wearing Oakley Blades. Needless to say, neither of the men had any time for frivolous things like sleeves. The cut off denim shorts completed the ensemble nicely by triggering my gag reflex. The women on the boat were dressed identically to the men, right down to the moustaches. "Sweet Home Alabama" blared through blown out speakers and a rebel flag flapped in the breeze as they stared back at me. I was agape...fumbling in my pockets for a camera that was inside, missing the photo of a lifetime...
For Memorial Day weekend I herded up my brother, myself, and our respective girlfriends (yes I'm now a spoken for man, so back off and shut up about it), and we headed up north to Lake Arrowhead ridiculous fancypants golf community to stay at a friend's lake house.
Usually I have found that when someone says they have a lake house, you arrive to find that it is something with wheels...which is technically a house, so they aren't lying or anything, and if they're letting you stay there it kicks just as much ass as any other form of domicile. Just call it a double wide if that's what it is.
This, however, was truly a house on a lake- couldn't have been more beautiful if I had designed it myself, except it would have had a waterslide going from the roof to the water and full-time breakdancers on the dock.
We had a great time. The first night we were there we overheard a loud conversation among a bunch of drunken rednecks (probably the ones from the S.S. Southern Stereotype). I kind of figured anyone with an IQ that was lower than their shoe size would have been turned away at the gate, but apparently they crawled under the fence or something.
I have long thought that racism in its true form (actually believing that one race is naturally superior to another) was more or less a dead practice. Once again, I was shocked at my own naivete. Racism is alive and sliding around in its own mucous. We sat on the back porch and listened to some of the most astoundingly ignorant verbal diarrhea that any of us had ever heard. I noticed that we all stifled laughter when something particularly retarded was said, but it wasn't a "wow, that's hilarious" laughter. More of a "holy shit I can't believe someone actually said that" laugh. We had to stifle the laughter it because a) we didn't want to encourage them, and b) they were dumb rednecks who probably had guns with them, and if there's one thing you have to do when someone laughs at you, it's start a fight.
The only thing more amusing than a dumb redneck is a good oxymoron.
A few minutes later we heard some splashing and screaming, but none of us made a move toward any heroic acts. I know, the proverb goes "hate the sin, not the sinner", but we all wanted to play it safe just in case you were really supposed to hate them both.
I'm kidding. No one drowned. It was just a scenario we came up with while sitting around the table.
"If we heard one of those morons drowning, who would go save him?"
*crickets*
*cough*
"...uh...anyone want another beer?"
The rest of our time there was spent drinking, laughing, and relaxing so much that it almost made us tired. Exactly the way Memorial Day weekend was meant to be spent.
On the way home, the girlfriend and I were cruising through Waleska in a fancy convertible roadster, all sunglasses and shirts with sleeves, non-country music blaring on the stereo, when she turned to me and said, "I bet we look like the quintessential rolling cliche or whatever you called the hillbillies on the boat." If rednecks weren't afraid of computers, I bet there'd be a dang ol' blarg about it-
DEAR MAGICAL COMPUTER THANG WHAT BEEPS AND CLICKS AND TALKS TA' JESUS,
THIS WEEKEND I SEEN THE DANGDEST SIGHT I EVER SEEN- TWO CITY SLICKERS IN MY TOWN, LISTENING TO SOME KINDA' FAGGOT MUSIC WITH GIT-TARS AND SOME FAIRY ASS GUY DRIVIN' WHO PROBABLY NEVER KILLED AND ATE A SQUIRREL IN HIS LIFE...
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 6:15 PM |
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32 Comments:
BTW, "Memeorial"? I thought you were above doing the memes Dusty. ;)
Ken of Kenville
Congrats and thanks for separating us Christ likes from the "others".
Now onto my comment- To which you stated: The only thing more amusing than a dumb redneck is a good oxymoron.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Brilliant.
It should be said that that's what you get for going to a lake where fishing happens on a holiday dedicated entirely to remembering the rednecks who didn't have enough money to wiggle their way out of dying for their country. ((No offense intended to veterens, I have quite a massive amount of respect for them. Rednecks, on the other hand...))
Good to see you posting again and be good to the girlfriend :P
Unfortunately we have racism in Australia as well (rednecks too). Luckily they usually prove as intelligent as yours and never more worthy of having shit poked at them in the biggest way. Wonder if they had two first names each? You know Jim-Bob or Mary-Sue etc. what's with that anyway? A fairly wise choice though to avoid irritating heavily armed intellectual midgets. You never know, the banjos might have come out and the surrounding hills may well have echoed with much pig-like squeeeling.. Wheeeeee. Wheeeeee.
.....that goddamsumbitch prolly got a touch of the tarbrush in his family tree.
Sad to say, we have a lake or two like that here in Canada too and many of us just sit on our docks and wait to hear that final splash!
There's one down!!
knpepper
I guess I'll see in a........
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