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Like Catheterizing a Housecat
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7/26/2005
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Stupid cat update- Queaseldean's problem with expelling the contents of her bladder around my house (scroll down to previous entry for complete story) has been solved. It was a process of ideas, though. I finally took away her water. Problem solved. But then someone told me she'd die (which is basically the same level of activity she usually exhibits), and then she'd start to stink and there'd be flies. So I decided to catheterize her and permanently attach the tube to the litterbox. That way she could think she was peeing wherever she wanted to, but it wouldn't matter.
I think "catheterizing a housecat" is going to be the new "trying to nail jell-o to a tree" saying. It would be easier and safer to dry-shave a badger in a hurricane.
The answer? As many of you fine loyal readers suggested, she was upset with the brand of litter I bought. In case you care, she prefers "mountain breeze fresh" to "happy berry meadow" scented fresh step premium scooping litter.
Just seems awfully picky for a creature that licks its own asshole.
In other news, I am sporting a very extreme hairstyle today. I know this because I found a tube of DEP XTREME HOLD hair gel in my bathroom (I think it came with my all-in-one toiletry travel kit, so I can only assume that this travel kit was specifically designed for Navy Seals and stunt pilots). It even says that it is for XTREME hairstyles. So my assumption is that any hairstyle becomes XTREME with the addition of this magical gel. Another rad thing was that it has a scale of XTREMITY right on the tube. Get this- the scale starts at 6 and goes to 10.
Yeah, fuck the numbers 1 through 5. Those numbers don't even exist when you are XTREME. This tube of gel was rated at 10, making it illegal in seven states and exactly what I needed. I'd post a picture of my hair, but I have been told by the management of Atlanta Illustrated that we would have to put a health warning on the site because women could become pregnant just by looking at it.
I have a new favorite ad campaign. That's right. Move over Snuggles the fabric softener bear. Your loveable cuddliness has been replaced by a beer ad.
Namely, Milwaukee's Best. The new ads where "men should act like men, light beer should taste like light beer". The message? Pansy ass men should be crushed by giant cans of cheap beer.
They have one where this big construction worker guy is being chased by a bee while freaking out like a little girl (beer falls on man, making him stop sucking), another one where a guy and his girlfriend show up at a barbecue dressed identically (also crushed by beer while girlfriend looks on), and so on.
The reason it rules so very deeply is not that it will be effective in changing the face of their beer- we all know that the nickname "The Beast" is something Miller Brewing Company should learn to embrace and stop fighting against. We also know that in order to be accurate they should change their slogan to "men should act like men, light beer should taste like baboon piss."
Seriously. In parts of Uganda they splash Milwaukee's Best on the trees around their villages to keep tigers away. I saw it on the Discovery channel.
The campaign's effectiveness is purely in its entertainment value. Every male in America can recount situations in which they thought a friend needed to be beaten back into manhood.
Recently I saw one of my friends rollerblading down the street. Wait. It gets worse. He and his girlfriend were wearing matching helmets and blue ipods. I instantly launched into the questions...
"So...does she take your balls out of her purse and let you play with them sometimes?" "Did your parents have any male children?" His girlfriend laughed politely in a way that assured me that I won't be seeing this friend again until they break up next week. Then he actually tried to explain himself to me instead of holding his finger over his lip to look like a moustache, adopting a thick accent and pretending he was someone else.
We all know the saying- "The most difficult thing about rollerblading is telling your parents you're gay", but the matching helmet thing and his need to justify being such a complete nozzle really made me wish I had a thousand pounds of something to drop on him. Maybe 500 gallons (or $4.31 worth) of Milwaukee's Best.
What about when your friend tells you that his girlfriend cheated on him but he wants to try to work it out with her? I have threatened people's lives for saying stuff like that.
"Hey Dusty, You have to try this- I've been going to yoga classes with my girlfr-" (crushed by beer)
"Come check out my new Scooter/mini cooper/hybrid ecofuel car. It's so much sportier than my old car..." (bring on the crushing)
"There's a wine tasting tonight at Alejandro's house of tannins. A bunch of us guys are-" (crush)
I have so many ideas for that campaign that Miller should hire me right now.
While I'm there, we could work on the part about making their beer taste a little less like something that was poured out of the dumpster behind the abortion clinic and a little more like beer.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 6:28 AM |
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24 Comments:
Don't lose too much blood with the catheter idea.
"My kitty did the cutest thing yesterday. See, she's fussy about the litter I've been using, so I .." - CRUSHed by beercan!
or how about...
"I'd really love to go out for a beer, but I'd rather go sit in a cafe and sketch firemen..." - DOUBLE CRUUUSH!
:p
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