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Breakin' 3- The Epileptic Boogaloo
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8/9/2005
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Has anyone written an original movie this year, or is remake the new black? I will watch about one movie every two years (I find it difficult to sit still that long, go figure), and consider very few of them worth the time. Lord of the Rings is a prime example- good effects and stuff, but it could have been three hours shorter. Also would have helped if it didn't have 400 characters with rhyming names.
What we need is remakes of movies in which dance changes lives.
"He's a big-city kid in a small town. They said he'd never win. He knew he had to."
Had to win...or else what? Move three miles down the road so he could finally dance unhindered by the law?
I wonder how many people went to this movie and got really pissed off when they found out that the tragic injustice against which he raged was the fact that dancing was illegal. I'd be happy to move to that town. Why doesn't he move to a place where it is illegal not to molest children? Because some things can't be cured by dance. It's the sad truth.
The remake of this movie should take place in a post-apocalyptic hell world in which people have to eat their babies to stay alive. Then Ren McCormack can bring forth the miracle of dance and no one will care. Just like in real life. It still has to end with the freeze frame though. That was cinema genius
The much anticipated sequel to "Breakin' 1- can you believe we made a fucking movie about breakdancing", it is known as the only sequel ever to be better than the original. Ozone, Turbo, and some broad join forces to keep the evil corporation from shutting down the youth center, adding a note of social responsibility to the plot of the first breakin' movie, which focused on the struggles of people who danced like robots.
"If you can't beat the system...BREAK IT!" I'm quitting my job to become a movie tagline writer. The remake will be "Three veteran breakdancers...inchworming their way to freedom. Only one man stands in their way." It will have a shadowy picture of the story's antagonist, the evil Dr. Two-step. The whole thing will culminate in a dancing death match in the octagon- Breakers vs. Line Dancers. The twist is that the effect of playing country music and electronic hip hop at the same time causes violent spasms of the colon, and the arena becomes a shit n' slide. If you can imagine a better movie scene than one in which a bunch of fat rednecks and breakdancers try to kill each other while covered in their own waste, I'm scared to hear it.
"Something happens when she hears the music. It's her freedom. It's her fire. It's her life."
Another astounding tagline that is only tarnished by the fact that they are talking about dancing and not something worthwhile. In the story, Alex is your typical metalworker by day- female, perfect body, dreams and aspirations for something bigger...by night she is a coked up stripper, who like all strippers thinks she will someday make it big or get her degree in quantum physics. She falls in love and some guy buys her way into a dance school and she fails out. The end.
The remake would probably be about an actual metalworker- a fat, balding, smelly heap of a man with a heart of gold. His dream is also to be a dancer. A breakdancer. The problem is that breakdancing is illegal in his city and the corrupt police are shutting down all of the unlawful dance dens. Ren McCormack comes out of retirement and teams up with Ozone and Turbo to form a staggeringly ridiculous dance trio. A staggeringly ridiculous dance trio that makes dreams come true.
This fall...a man who welds is also a man who dreams...big.
Not just to dance, but to breakdance. Only three people on earth can fight the forces that have conspired to crush his dreams-
THIS WEEKEND- Join me to watch some players from the Braves, The Falcons, The Thrashers, and The Hawks tear it up at a celebrity softball fundraiser. Proceeds from tickets and the silent auction will go to benefit the family of fallen Red Dog Officer Mark Cross and the Gold Shield Foundaton. Game is Saturday, August 13, 11 am at South Side Park- 3460 Jonesboro Road (Jonesboro road and 285)
Click for map
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 2:13 PM |
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9 Comments:
Bwahahahaha!!!! I love you, man.
It sounds like you've had a little too much fiber today.
When are you coming back out to California?
Have I mentioned I have ALWAYS wanted people to start calling me Turbo?? It's true. Just call me Turbo from now on. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to WalMart to get me some boxes to flatten and freak my dancing upon...
Write it down 500 times.
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