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Shitty Santa
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8/2/2005
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With Christmas just around the corner I have been doing some thinking...most of my friends are just like me as far as giving/receiving gifts- They have everything they need, and if they find something they want, they'll buy it themselves. Since we are all male, we usually just ignore the gift-giving holidays. If you get a gift from a male friend, it is because his wife bought it and made him sign the card.
I was wondering what I would do if someone bought me a gift certificate for a pedicure or something like that. I'd either throw it away, give it to my girlfriend, or fly to another city and redeem it for an afternoon of footy bliss...then come back and tell my girlfriend I was cheating on her so she wouldn't know the horrible truth. Believe me, she'd rather think I cheated on her. I'd probably have an easier time living with myself too.
So I bring you "Shitty Santa".
This Christmas my friends Dave, CRam, Josh, and I will be giving each other gifts that none of us wants (as of the writing of this entry, they have no idea they are doing this). The catch is that we have to use them. If I give Dave a 2006 My Little Pony calendar, he has to hang it in his office at work for twelve months.
Merry Christmas, Dave. Oh, look, the dipshits at the puppy calendar factory don't know how many months are in a year. You'll be enjoying puppies until April of 2007.
If Josh gets free interpretive dance lessons, he has to go pretend he's a dragon for six weeks. The key is to make sure it is something that requires a commitment, but not to take it too far.
For instance, I thought about buying a CD box set of Creed's greatest hits For CRam because I know that's his personal hell. The problem with this is that after three or four agonizing hours it would all be over. If they sent a CD every week for a year, I'd consider it.
Going too far would be anything invasive or potentially harmful like tattoos or drugs. If I know Dave (and I do), left to his own devices he would buy me a 27 part colonic treatment session and a spinal piercing. If I know me (and most of the time I do), I would respond by getting him a hooker from the Boulevard area of Atlanta. A large male hooker, horny and ripe with affliction.
That's going too far. Other examples of no-nos:
- Honey Baked Ham/suicide bomb kit for your Muslim friend
- Wall-mounted crucifix for a vampire
- Diseased needle for the recovering heroin addict in your life
- Funhouse fat mirror for your cousin with the eating disorder
Good ideas if you don't mind risking your friendship:
- Gift Certificate to Boi na Braza for your vegan friend
- Soap for your hippie friend (considered an act of social benevolence)
- Subscription to Penthouse for your mega religious buddy (even better if he lives with his parents or in a dorm at BYU)
- Free NetFlix DVD Membership to your luddite friend who still has a VCR
So start looking around. You know somebody who would love to have a Bumper Sticker on their car that says "I brake for butterflies" for a year. Oh, and you can't tell anyone that you basically lost a bet. When you show up at work sporting a festive holiday sweater vest with embroidered decorations for each holiday season, it has to look like you chose to do so.
Now that you have a reason to shop, go forth and do so.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 6:46 AM |
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13 Comments:
Why would one require lessons for INTERPRETIVE dance?
Is that like taking speech lessons? A totally pointless way to throw money at a "problem"?
Nice comment on the calander, since it really makes no sense to make a 16 month calander, unless there is like a follow up calander that fits in exactly where the old one lets off. If there is... hey, next years Christmas present is already done for.
Including the comments...
j/k. Around 7 years ago I had a beer crawl that started in my house and went all around Philly (GREAT beer town). We took a lot of flash photos during the night. I merged one of my friend RICK with some porn that ended up with a shot of him with two giant wieners in front of his face and some appreciation juice hanging from his chin. Shadows on his face and everything. Very convincing. Emailed it to all the guys at the crawl back in '98. He finally talked to me for the first time since then this past spring (BIG grudge). I'd LOVE to have him wear that image on a shirt every time he goes out on the town. Best gift ever...
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