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Stunt Goldfish
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8/30/2005
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Writing about good restaurants in the Highlands-Midtown area is like writing about pointless violence at a rap video awards ceremony. I'm not a restaurant critic, nor do I even have much of a palate. I'm just a guy who enjoys good food, especially if it's cheap. Because of the abundance of great restaurants in my area I need a gimmick to keep me coming back. Not a stupid gimmick like a guy who throws searing hot stir fried shrimp at your face, naked waitresses, or a line of pissed off wait staff in matching overalls singing their very own brand of corporate birthday song...something good.
Like a Stunt Goldfish.
Yeah. Read it again. That's what it says.
The Skirt and I started going to Front Page News/Tijuana Garage (a Cajun Joint with a great Mexican restaurant next door, for those of you not from the area) in Little Five Points a few weeks ago. It started when we simultaneously said "I could go for a Bloody Mary" one Saturday afternoon, even though we both know the Bloody Mary is traditionally a breakfast cocktail. We were delighted to find that the drinks were very large, very good and very cheap, but I almost soiled myself when I saw the goldfish.
Front Page has this awesome patio with a big fountain in the middle. We were sitting at a table right next to it when an orange blur streaked past my arm, which had been resting on the edge of the fountain. Thinking you are being attacked by a goldfish is one of those things that scares you because it doesn't really compute. Like seeing a sparrow with the face of a shark.
I jumped, made my startled noise and stared at the water until I saw it again. A goldfish, probably 10 inches long, that gets his jollies by swimming around with his head out of the water. Not just idly swimming, either. He hauls ass and splashes and stuff.
Before you could say "Shamu", I had taken the banana pepper out of my beverage, clamped the stem between my teeth, put my hands behind my back, and leaned out as far as possible over the water. Hoping against all hope that the magical goldfish would Leap into the air and gently pluck the treat from my mouth, just like they do at Sea World. Then he would come to the surface and kiss my cheek and we'd make a movie about freeing him.
My girlfriend made me sit down pretty much immediately, so I can't say for sure that he wouldn't have done it if given enough time and assuming he likes peppers. I begged to try it again, but she kept using the clicker and threatened to push the button that activates my shock collar, so I had to stay down. That shock collar will drop me like a sack of wet towels.
I asked the waitress who their goldfish trainer was, and she looked at me like I had just asked who their goldfish trainer was. So I guess it's me- I can't let his talent go unnoticed. I have to begin marketing him, I thought. It all has to start with a name. Something that will at once conjure images of his majesty and remain true to his Cajun roots.
And just like that, Moby Thibodeaux was born. Say it. It's fun to say.
So go get yerself a gallon of some of the best Bloody Mary you have ever had for $5.50 and ask for Moby Thibodeaux. They won't know what the hell you are talking about.
Yet.
 Dusty
RELATED LINK: http://www.fpnnews.com/
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posted by Dusty at 5:03 AM |
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11 Comments:
I was just thinking about you, and *bam* a blog from you.
Hee! Priceless prose.
That's unsanitary and just plain disgusting, though I AM impressed you were able to clamp it between your teeth.
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