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Are Scooters Cool?
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9/27/2005
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There is an old saying about riding a motorcycle- It is a lot like sleeping with your neighbor's wife; just when you think you are getting good at it, you get killed. There is an even older saying about riding a scooter- It is a lot like sleeping with a fat chick; kind of fun until your friends find out.
About once a year I think seriously about buying a motorized velocipede, but one of those two proverbs always keeps me from doing it. Luckily I can live vicariously through my friends who are richer/more secure in their masculinity/less afraid of death than I.
Since I live in the city, I find more and more people are buying scooters. Little ipods on wheels- all trendy and efficient, customizable to reflect your scootery personality, zipping about with your solar powered bottled water and your recycled ear buds, looking ridiculous and hip at the same time...you sassy monkeys, you.
Last weekend every scooterphile in town got together and buzzed around the city like a miniaturized vegan outlaw biker gang. I also saw my first case of scooter rage, which sent my day tumbling into a new realm of radditude. I remember thinking "Road rage on a scooter? That's like...holy crap...'road rage on a scooter' can only be used as a metaphor for something else because nothing more absurd exists."
This guy got cut off in an intersection and completely went banana sandwich on the other driver. I don't mean to belittle the fact that he could have gotten hurt, but even if the scooter was painted flat black with pinstripe flames and a custom exhaust kit, the guy might as well have been wearing a big bunny suit and a tutu. He straddled his bike, screaming obscenities, flipping the other guy off with a fingerless begloved hand, his tiny Kaiser-style spiked helmet shaking with rage, and everyone in the intersection looked amukward. That's awkward and amused for those of you who are just starting out.
One of my friends has a couple of old scooters he keeps around and works on. He and I started talking about the whole scooter subculture one day and the conversation turned to customizing his ride.
"You're a creative artsy type- what kind of paintjob do you think would look cool on the red Vespa?"
"I don't know. I'm a fan of contradictions, though, so I'll think about it."
"Shut up. You know what I mean."
"Yeah. I think you should dress it up in a capacity that a scooter would never be used in. Like a NASCAR theme with sponsor stickers all over it."
"Or a military armored vehicle"
"Ooh. Make it an ambulance. A Vespa would NEVER make a good ambulance, and I know how to make a siren out of sewer pipe and a housecat."
"I should paint it like a school bus. Haha- like I'm going to pick up thirty kids and drive them to school. Doot-dee-doo." *mimes a crazy Vespa busdriver by steering an invisible steering wheel*
"Stop being stupid."
"Huh?"
"Nothing."
"Butthole. You know, I really want it to look cool, though. Kind of edgy and badass...how do you think I could do that?"
Now here is a similar question using different words-
"Hey Dusty, which pair of pink mittens makes me look tougher?"
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 7:16 AM |
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13 Comments:
-H
F-ing classic!
It says "Don't tailgate me or I'll flick a booger on your winshield."
Again with the irony, it was given to me when I was 13... and unable to drive...
http://www.prankplace.com/bumper.htm
Keep them on you and whenever you see a scooter chained up with the bikes and shit just slap one on. And take pictures, we wanna see.
http://media.putfile.com/Lint-Part-2
Carry on.
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