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Are you there God?
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10/25/2005
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These letters were originally posted on Ebaumsworld. That's the first place I saw them anyway. I did not write them. They were probably written by someone much smarter than I, or maybe actually written by first graders, who are also much smarter than I. They were cute and amusing to read, and you'd think that would be good enough...
But just for the hell of it, let's suppose God is a cynical jerk.
Raphael,
I'll give you the genie lamp in exchange for your soul. Then I'll trade your soul to the devil for a chess set and $50.
Seriously, do you even know how easily I could have my own stupid chess set? Do you think I need your money? Hello? I'm GOD.
-GOD-
Norma,
The giraffe EVOLVED to look like that. What are they teaching you kids in public schools, anyway?
Uma Thurman, on the other hand, was a major screw up on my part. I can't believe she did as well as she has with the extra forehead. That one was supposed to go on Jessica Simpson, and now she doesn't have one at all. She's done pretty alright too, I guess. Don't believe them when they tell you I am infallible. Here is a list of some of my biggest mistakes-
- Pontiac Aztec
- France
- Nickelback
- Cilantro
- Bees
- Bloggers
- Christianity (it's a long story)
-GOD-
Jennifer,
Yes they did, and you would too if you really believed in me.
-GOD-
Chris,
Did you draw a cat between the words "to" and "live"? I'm God and I didn't even see that one coming. I see in my manifesto that you are going to be a serial killer in a few years. Good to know you have already nailed the handwriting portion.
In answer to your request, I'd love to let you live 900 years, but I already have you slated to be raped to death in prison. Sorry. I don't make the rules...oh, wait.
-GOD-
Dean,
Thanks for putting my mind at ease, but terrorists come from above, and AIDS comes from behind (as you get older, you'll find that looking isn't the only thing you do "both ways"). You're scheduled for one of the two fates, but we'll let it be a surprise.
-GOD-
Denise,
Don't worry. You're coming back as Camryn Mannheim's tampon. But at least you're not that Horton slut, right? FYI...Jennifer is coming back as Michael Moore's underwear, so you two will probably meet again.
-GOD-
Ruth,
I'm glad you said "one of" my best, lest I smite thee for overlooking the following awesome things that were also invented by me-
- Beef jerky
- Ultimate fighting Championships
- Breast Implants
- The lightbulb
- Donald Trump's Haircut
- Donald Trump's wife
- 3-hole punch
- Dynamite
- Pudding
-GOD-
Jane,
I used to let people live a really long time (see the old testament for more information), but after you do my job for a while you find that there is really no point to being god if you can't kill people at will. Plus, it gives me a way to thin out the population of little girls who ask too many questions.
Sleep tight,
-GOD-
Sam,
No worries there- he's not your real dad. You will, however, have a rather intense skin condition for which you can thank your uncle Lenny.
-GOD-
More letters to God
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 8:36 AM |
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13 Comments:
"Chris,
Did you draw a cat between the words "to" and "live"? I'm God and I didn't even see that one coming. I see in my manifesto that you are going to be a serial killer in a few years. Good to know you have already nailed the handwriting portion.
In answer to your request, I'd love to let you live 900 years, but I already have you slated to be raped to death in prison. Sorry. I don't make the rules...oh, wait.
-GOD-"
Classic man. Keep it up.
God Bless.
Keep bringing it and I'll have have LULAC all over your ass....xoxox
:)
I can just see you sitting on his lap with a "teehee" as you frighten and mortify children across the land.
Congratulations.
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