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Same Road, Same Rules
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10/18/2005
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Hopefully the next few paragraphs will serve two purposes- make cyclists more aware that they are increasingly being thought of as buttholes and make everyone in general more aware of when it is appropriate to end a confrontation.
I personally think that you have to be a little insane to want to ride a bicycle on the street in the midtown/highlands area, but then again, I also find it a little crazy to drive a car there at times. The key is to maintain your cool and keep in mind that if someone makes a mistake and bumps you or does something stupid, they probably didn't mean to.
If you ride a bike and have a sticker on your helmet that says "Same Road, Same Rules", then remember the following:
Stop signs, traffic lights, lane markings, turn signals and speed limits are all rules. I have had numerous occasions on which I didn't leave enough room on the right side of the lane for Outlaw McSchwinnybritches to get past, and have had them smack my car with their hand or flip me off. I have also been yelled at a number of times for stopping at stop signs, turning right (not expecting some retard to come zipping past me on the right) at a red light, and opening my door when parallel parked without checking the imaginary bike lane. One of these days I'm going to clothesline one of you assholes and piss on your unconscious body, I promise.
The spazzes that wear the spandex and ride carbon fiber NASA bikes usually aren't the bad ones. They slow down the flow of traffic, but mostly they play fair. It's the damn trashdick hippie/eco-mmuter types that think they can do whatever they want.
Yesterday on my way home, some unwashed filthbag on a bike was in front of me as I came within a block of my house, rolling at 5 mph in heavy traffic. I will freely admit that my mind was elsewhere. Namely I had just gotten my car worked on and was wondering where they hid the urinal cake because that's what the inside smelled like. I also couldn't figure out what part of changing the oil would have broken the clock on the dashboard.
When I looked up, I was closing in on the bicycle guy. I had to brake pretty hard, but no harm. He, on the other hand, thought I was actively trying to kill him. He glared back at me, and at the time I had no idea he was even pissed off, so I just looked back at him and then looked over at a dog or my ipod or something.
Next thing I know, there's some yelling outside my window- "Yadda blah summa...fuckin PROBLEM, DUDE?"
Usually it's tough to catch me off guard, but he had done so. I can only imagine how stupid I looked as I rolled down my window.
Me- "Whozza...Huh?"
Him- "Why the fuck you trying to run me over, asshole?"
Confrontation lesson number one- Use some logic. If someone does run their car into (or come close to running into) someone or something, 10 out of 10 times it is unintentional and the driver will feel like a jerk without being yelled at. If I had some reason to throw my life away and run over a hippie, he would be a little too dead to ask why I did it.
Me- "Well, no. I just got a little close and wasn't paying atten-"
Confrontation lesson number two- if someone tries to apologize to you- especially if you have just yelled at them- you are rapidly becoming very deserving of a severe beating and you should just let it go.
Him- "You need to get home a couple minutes early, motherfucker? What's your problem?"
As you can see, our friend the human colostomy bag chose another way of steering things, and by this point I felt I had been nice a little too long. I took my knife out and drove it through his hand, pinning it to the car door. I then tooled around town for several hours using his tattered corpse as an example to the rest of them.
Kidding. But I would definitely write it into a screenplay that way.
Me- "Actually, I didn't mean to get so close, and I tried to apologize for it, but thanks for being a complete dripping cockhole about it. You're probably on your way to the dentist, so don't let me slow you down." (Let the record show the guy had one tooth in front, and he didn't even seem to be taking very good care of that one.)
Him- "motherfucker something bitch something else"
Now it gets fun- the light turns green so I start to go forward. I am about ten feet from the driveway to my building on the right, and Stinky Kineval decides to be a badass and bunnyhop onto the sidewalk so he can continue yelling at me. Bummer for him when I turned in front of him and he had to stop to keep from running into me. Well, I had my turn signal on...
Same sidewalk, same rules. Right, jackass?
In a rare moment of good judgment, he thought better of following me into the parking lot. The steel gate would have closed behind him, leaving him no way out. I figured I could just stay in my car and call a friend of mine who would be happy to come pick him up for trespassing.
Give folks the benefit of the doubt once in a while if they mess up. The only way you can possibly look dumber than they feel is to berate them for it (unless it is one of those people who continue making stupid mistakes over and over. Then all bets are off). Also, if you are pissed off because you can't afford a car or dental care, remember that it is 100% your fault and/or 100% your problem, so don't take it out on me.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 5:39 AM |
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19 Comments:
There are ignorami with all numbers of wheels out there.
BUT - in the here and now - some pleasant afternoons, about 5:15, when lots of us are trying to get home after work, I come upon a group of five to ten cyclists out for a ride, on a two lane connecting road, effectively slowing the traffic to a 5 mile per hour crawl, backing frustrated people up for two to three miles. Now - since these nice cycling people have had time to go home and change into their cyclist suits, they must be off from work earlier. Couldn't they pick some time other than rush hour to pump out a few miles? If they wonder why motorists get pissed at cyclists, maybe they could get a bit introspective and sort it all out. Oh, well...
Rock on, Dusty!
I am from Chicago and now live in DC. FfffffffffffUCK cyclists. No seriously I am glad they are not driving and being all eco-friendly and reducing traffic congestions blah blah fucking blah...but seriously fuck 'em. In the ear.
I have a new truck AND great chops.
*cheese*
...but you did say "dripping cockhole" so we will let you live.
Kidding. But I would definitely write it into a screenplay that way."
fucking gold, dusty, as usual.
Navy mom from Portland Or
Of course, in this town it's legal to park at the curb facing the flow of traffic so I guess that says a lot about the town I live in...
Second of all, at least where I come from, car/bus/van drivers hog cycling lanes regardless of how well-behaved the cyclists are. Never mind not respecting people who "can't afford a car" (I can, so that doesn't worry me), there's no respect for human life or health. Not to say that the blog author would kill negligently, but his sort of attitude keeps cyclists hateful and fearful and drivers-- smug... until they hit someone, that is.
Anyway, the guy was not impressive, but I'd be wary of trying to say that he is an example of something. You fucked up.
Yes they are. A friend and I go running on a pedestrian/cyclist path early in the morning (you probably wrote a column about people like me, too, but I forgive you in advance if it's funny). These pretend racer guys in a pretend Tour de Albuquerque scream up to about 2 inches behind us and yell "On Your Left!" and then, after scaring the shit out of us (because we can't HEAR these assholes before it's too late, because they are too suave to have a bell on their bikes) and then they flip us off and yell "Fuck you,get off the path!" as they pass by. (Then they probably go home, slip into Patagonia shirts and get in their volvos with the bumper sticker that says "Live Simply so Others May Simply Live" and drive to Wild Oats Natural Foods.)
Most of these guys have never been in a bike race before and, if they WERE real racers, they wouldn't be training on the commuter path. What I love too is that most of them have BRAND NAMES - like toothpaste companies, Italian pots & pans manufacturers, etc. - on their lycra suits. They BOUGHT these suits and are pretending that they are being SPONSORED by these companies! I think of them like the old guys who wear striped railroad hats while they play with their miniature trains.
Anyway, I ride a motorcycle too and you should seriously think of getting one of those. They are safer than scooters, in my opinion, because at least they have real size tires.
As a motorist, I do, in fact, own the road. Roads are paid for by gas taxes, which I pay every time I fill my tank. When you insist on using my road to go slow, it angers me. Please take your tree-hugging hippie ass and bicycle to Oregon, and we will have no more problems. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.
Enjoy!
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