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Sneer And Loafing At The Georgia Aquarium
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11/22/2005
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On Saturday I was honored to be considered "press" and allowed into the Georgia Aquarium for the press junket. I don't know if it was a junket or even what junket means. I just love that word.
There were lots of cameras and people furiously scribbling notes on pads of paper, asking nosy questions and giving calculated answers.
Thing number 1 not to do at the aquarium- In the main ballroom, they have a window that looks into the 80 billion gallon pan-dimensional plesiosaur habitat. Andy had what I thought was a brilliant idea to pour a little water out at the base of the window and say "I think it's leaking." Yeah. Don't even offer that up as a funny idea. The walls have ears, and so do the employees of the aquarium. They have also mastered the disapproving scowl, as I would learn after failing numerous times to keep my stupid mouth shut.
The mayor was there, the governor, the guy who invented Home Depot, the boss of Coca-Cola, Airtran's head ninja, and some other extremely rich and important types who donated nine kapillion dollars each to help build the place. Everyone was seated for the speeches and thank yous characteristic of such events. Three rows from the back there sat Atlanta's top three smartasses. Myself, Creative Loafing's Andisheh Nouraee, and Nathan Abbott (publisher of Atlanta illustrated, Chief Ociffer of Wednesday Night Drinking Club, and licensed interpretive dancer for the Toys for Twats foundation). Wearing my press pass and cynicism sombrero, I settled in fully expecting a bunch of self-congratulatory transparent corporate bullshit and nosing of brown.
I don't know if I was disappointed or relieved to find that the presentation was largely devoid of eye-rolling moments. Not to say that there wasn't an audible groan from the audience when the Governor mentioned his excitement about the possibility of Atlanta being home to the NASCAR Hall of Fame, but most of the rest of it was actually impressive. I mean, they built the biggest aquarium in the world in two years. It would have taken me at least three, and mine would really suck.
After the ribbon cutting, we were allowed into the individual exhibits. Honestly I have never seen anything like it. Atlanta now has one thing that is worthy of actually drawing tourism here. I don't even know if I could have imagined some of the stuff they did. The individual exhibits are branded by the companies that financed them, of course, as is the trend with every venue built in the past ten years. The Hooters underwater petting zoo was pretty rad, with a shallow pool of various sea creatures you could touch. There was even a sign that said "please touch". Just like at Hooters.
I can only imagine the sinking feeling a prawn gets when he finds out he's going into the grabby tank.
"You've been transferred to the petting pool."
"Why? What kind of sicko wants to pet a prawn?"
"Hey, I don't make the rules. Tell the sea cucumber and that orange starfish that they're coming too."
"Okay, I sort of understand the starfish, but the Sea Cucumber? I like him and all, but he looks like a knobby turd. This is stupid."
"Oh really? Would you rather be transferred to Wolfgang Puck's hall of hors d'oeuvres? Because I can make that happen too."
"Alright...let me grab my ipod."
Disapproving scowl #2 came when Nathan was overheard asking me "Do you think there are starfish on Uranus?" and I followed with a less funny joke about a taintfish. Professional as the day is long.
They had otters, Sea Lions, a Yeti, and a bunch of penguins. The penguins were cool because they waddle around and look cuddly but you can tell that behind the pleading birdy eyes they really want to rip your face off. The penguin exhibit features a little tunnel you can crawl into and poke your head up inside a Plexiglas waterfowl protection device among the penguins. They come over to you and peck at the glass and try in vain to violate your skull in some way.
Disapproving scowl #3- I taunted the penguins from inside my protective chamber, mocking their flightlessness. Penguins are apparently very sensitive about that.
And oh my god the river thingy exhibit was the coolest thing I have ever seen that included fish. A responsible journalist would look up the proper name and write "The Metamucil 'Keep it flowing' River Adventure..." but I am neither responsible nor journalist.
The River Adventure started out awesome to the tenth power and got exponentially better around every corner. The river flows over your head in some places, making you realize that fish are slightly less interesting when viewed from the bottom. On the other hand, you are looking up at fish without having pissed off a mob boss, so it is unique.
One of the guys there showed me a scar on his finger that he got when a piranha bit him. That settles it. Every scar on my body will henceforth be piranha related except the dinosaur bite on my back. I was so rapt in his tale of near death by fish that I almost forgot that there were piranhas in the building with me and I could go look at them.
On the way to the piranha tank, we passed a tank full of south American fish. Peacock Bass, an aquatic species of pinata, and a fish called an Arrowana. Arrowana grow to ten feet in length and can jump up to 15 feet out of the water to snatch unicorns right out of the sky. Swear to god. They feed them unicorns.
And their name rhymes with a popular smokable drug.
Leading to disapproving scowl #4- Nathan asks the guy if they are swimming in bong water.
I assumed the guy had heard that joke 900 times that day, but further questioning revealed that Nathan Abbott will go down in history as the first person ever to make that joke in the Aquarium.
The piranhas were underwhelming and didn't look at all like they did in the movie of the same name. I guess I got there just after they dropped a live cow in the tank to be reduced to bones in three seconds. There were people asking the obvious question, "What do you feed them?" To which I gave the obvious answer, "Hobos. It's all part of Shirley Franklin's plan to end the homeless problem in Atlanta."
Disapproving scowl #5 came from several faces. Maybe the fact that the mayor was in the building had something to do with it...
Well, New Year's Eve is just around the corner, and many of you are probably wondering where the best party ever in the universe will be. I've been doing some work with Wednesday night Drinking Club for the past few months or so, and I think we have an acceptable venue.
GEORGIA AQUARIUM FOR NEW YEAR'S FREAKIN' SWEET EVE, ANYONE?
It's officially happening. Wednesday Night Drinking Club will be the first to have a major event at the Aquarium, and you can be there. Maybe even see and taunt yours truly if you get there before I get kicked out. Even if you already have less awesome plans somewhere else, click the link and check out my first attempt at a funny flash animation. Turn your speakers on for the full awegasm.
Do you think Ru San's Sushi Restaurant should cater the event? The Baby Seal sashimi is divine. And cute.
Disapproving scowl #6
 Dusty
RELATED LINK: http://www.wednesdaynightdrinkingclub.com/nye2006/
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posted by Dusty at 4:56 AM |
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9 Comments:
So where will you go but down after last year's kilt display?? Nice choice on the music btw, ga-roovey.
wish you lived in Portland Or, would love to party with the WNDC
Actually, it would be sooo cool if they did build the NASCAR Hall of Fame in Atlanta. Just so long as you got invited to that opening as well. After that, the museum would suck.
That Flash animation rocked. I'll never look at a goldfish the same again.
*ducks*
By the way, I am pleased to report that the airport in Montreal has recently installed those amazing warp three hand-drying machines. I'll never forget the picture of you with your thrown-back lips and well-dried teeth so well displayed! For the first time in my life, I walked away without drying my hands on my pants.....I laugh every time I see one now!
knpepper
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