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Worse Than Creed?
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11/14/2005
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After my off-hand slam of Nickelback in last week's column, I started wondering to myself if it was a deserved insult. Okay, maybe the songs they play with skullhammering regularity on every radio station on the FM dial are just the worst songs they have written. Maybe their lead singer was in an accident as a child that left him dreamy, yet developmentally disabled. Maybe I am simply trying too hard to fill the void of shittiest fagband in the universe that was left when creed broke up. There are all sorts of explanations.
Then Chad Kroeger himself appeared in my dream and bestowed his wisdom upon me like a dipshit enema. He kept saying, "Google me, assbite. Then tell me I suck." As it turns out, my insults were understated if anything. It also turns out that "Googling" is actually a slang term for a sex act involving a wireless keyboard and any animal that starts with the letter "R". Like "Rarmadillo".
Below, I have the results of a painstaking genetic test. Using a fistful of Scott Stapp's Pubes (don't ask) and one of Chad Kroeger's teeth that fell out when he got his ass kicked while Googling a Raardvark, I stuck the whole unfortunate pile in the microwave and set it on "Splice DNA". When I opened the door I was horrified.
Yes, I immediately killed it. It was over as soon as I could close the door and hit the "destroy abomination" button. Now my house smells like baked ox placenta AND I have the secret formula to writing Nickleback songs.
To compose lyrics to the next steaming turd of a rock song, you will need the following-
1 pair- faded blue jeans with holes in them
7 pounds- Afghan triple blue sunrise skunk weed
1 Neurosurgeon (optional)
Toby
2 pens
1 notebook
Put on your jeans and smoke weed until everything you think about seems like the best idea ever. You will need to remain in this state for the rest of your life so you don't come to your senses and kill yourself. If you can't afford that much pot, have the neurosurgeon open your skull and destroy every part of your brain that is not responsible for breathing.*
Now grab your pens and notebook and go out looking for a place to reflect deeply on tired cliches. A playground is a good place to do this because there aren't many adults around to make fun of you and that's where you'll find Toby.
Toby is the kid with a penchant for the repetitive, and one of his favorite games is, "YOU SAY A WORD AND I'LL RHYME IT. GO."
All. Damn. Day.
His parents are having him checked for Attention Abundance Disorder, but so far all they know for sure is that he's weird. Typically he can be found on the swings, counting. He can be instrumental in such Nickleback lyrics as "I asked you to stay...but you said there's no way."
Nickelfact: The day Chad Kroeger wrote the song "Photograph", he was stumped for prose when he noticed that he was holding two pens. In a blinding flicker of inadequacy, he realized that the pens rhymed with each other. He was very very stoned, but still able to compose the following verse-
"This is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out."
Yes, Chad. Words rhyme with themselves. You want another juice box? Oh wait. We're out of no-talent Hackleberry.
So the 2 pens are really there to remind you that inspiration is all around you. And that you are retarded.
Now sit and write as fast as you can, and be sure to include heretofore unused phrases like "the wings of an eagle" and "heart of stone" liberally throughout. Don't worry, Toby can rhyme it for you.
If you are a purist, feel free to bleach your hair, grow a goatee and squint at everything as if you are thinking about something. Soon enough, you'll see this in the mirror.
If I can do it, so can you:
Hero Eagle (sung to the tune of Photograph. If you haven't heard the song, turn on any radio. It is playing.)
Tired of listenin to crap
Thought it all would end with Stapp.
Thought I'd take a stab at rockin' out
Just to see what it was all about.
Sometimes I wanna' kill myself
Put my heart upon the shelf
Hero Eagle I keep going on,
Makin' pudding till the break of dawn.
And this is my shitty song,
Just like Nickelback would write a song,
I don't know how to write a song,
It's pretty hard to write a song.
In that last line I shoulda' used wrong,
Because I think wrong rhymes with song.
In fact so does Donkey Kong
And even funny words like Dong.
(chorus)
Writin' songs about eagles in the doo doo pie,
Soaring like a hero up in the sky
Me and Toby sittin' underneath a tree
W-R-I-T-I-N-G
(background)We're writing, we're writing
Thinking back to the days of tears and pain
Bought a little motorscooter from a guy named Wayne
Not relevant to me and Toby and this tree
W-R-I-T-I-N-G
(background)We're writing, we're writing
Smackledee booyah hah
Weepeedeepe noodle caca
Bird turd makin me blue
Try to think about something new
Toby's countin' bugs in the dirt,
Got a dried booger on his shirt
Hero eagle monkey dance,
I think Toby just shit his pants.
This is the next to last verse
Didn't think it could get much worse
Don't know how much more I can take,
Sweet baby Jesus in an easy bake.
Nickleback is my new bitch.
My lobotomy scar is starting to itch
If I could only get my finger in
Sure am glad I brought an extra pen
(repeat chorus until you claw your eyes out)
*this is also required if you want to be a Nickleback fan.
Wednesday night Drinking club is TONIGHT (assuming you are reading this on Wendnesday) at Park Tavern. Come buy me a beer and I'll make up a nickleback song on the spot. Click the linky for more info.
 Dusty
RELATED LINK: http://xorbia.com/rsvp/wndc/november/
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posted by Dusty at 5:13 AM |
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29 Comments:
Not so amazed with the amalgamated mess that is the Nickelback TeaBagHead. But thanks for all the memories. I'm going to go get my mind scrubbed of that now.
Funny man = Mr. S. Tsnuami.
And with all my allowance blown"
Not like you to say sorry
Now I have to read Tuesdays with Morrie"
Thanks for the laugh, though. Another great blog.
socalsmitty
Incidentally, I live in Vancouver. I actually see members of Nickelback around. Ecch.
-H
That guy in the "people" box on your dustyscott.com site looks like saddam hussein. Cuddling a baby.
Thanks, Dusty!
This was hilarious, thanks man!
Who is Nickleback?
God, I miss George Harrison.
It's hilarious.
are always on the air?????????
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