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Six pack of conflict...on ice.
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12/6/2005
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I went to the beer store on Saturday. I'm not going to describe what I bought other than to say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
It was pretty crowded because the part of the constitution that separates church and state doesn't apply to Georgia, and we can't buy beer on Sunday. So everybody buys it on Saturday.
Anyway, it's crowded and this dude walks in yelling about something. He looked like all of the frat guys I hated in college. Warmup pants, cap with curved bill, louder than necessary, thinks he's all tough and important...he holds up what looks like a penis pump and proclaims to everyone in the store "HEY. Y'all gave me a tap that don't work. Whaddaya want me to do with it?"
Pregnant silence as I waited for someone...anyone...to say "Pound it up your ass and break it off?"
None were so brave, including me.
The little old guy behind the counter said, "Taykaobertodamaganer. Heeee wilgenothermorebetterforworkingone."
Mr. Blue Collar Comedy fan seemed nonplussed at the audacity the guy had to walk around having an accent, which I found ironic. He laughed at the guy and said something non-complimentary. He then ventured over to where the man had gestured and turned around and yelled "Who do I talk to?!"
The cashier guy smiled at the customer he was helping, handily ignoring Jethro. I liked this guy. Jethro says "AY!", and the cashier picked up the paging phone and rattled something off in another language. I like to think he said "Manager to the scotch section, give him the tap we soaked in hepatitis."
Jethro got his new tap and then had to return to the counter so the guy could record the number. Lucky me. He gets in line behind me and starts muttering to me about how these guys can't even speak English, need to go back to bim-bob-way [sic] I gotta' keg with no tap on it…and I interrupt him as politely as possible.
"Hey, it's not a big deal. I'm very sure they didn't give it to you on purpose."
"Oh it is a big deal. I had to drive clear back over here to get a new tap that shoulda' worked in the first place!" he responded loudly and assholily.
"Well, if tapping a keg is the most important thing you have to do today, you have it pretty good."
As if to punctuate my point, a guy with one arm asked him for money on the way out (after he got all pissy and just walked out with the tap). Sometimes things just happen that way, but it would have been funnier if the guy had mugged him.
The homeless guy then came in and started bugging the lady in line next to me. He said something about poetry and started asking her all kinds of personal weird stuff. When he left, she said something to me that I didn't hear.
"Huh?"
"Oh, that bum that was just bothering me here...sorry, homeless gentleman."
"I think the most current term is 'urban outdoorsman'."
(This was apparently very offensive to the woman who had just called him a bum, and she pulled a JFK, head going back and to the left. You've seen the move if a black woman has ever been pissed at you)
"Why he gotta' be UURRBAN?"
*several seconds go by as I try to figure out what in the hell she is talking about*
"Buh...muh...b'cuz we are in an urban ar..."
"CAUSE HE'S BLACK?!"
I actually buried my face in my hands at this point. I decided to have tiny dictionaries printed up that I can hand out like some people do with bibles.
"No. Urban does not mean black. We are in an urban area. The city. Atlanta. Nevermind."
I'm not going back to the beer store until I need something else to write about. Or breakfast.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 10:05 PM |
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10 Comments:
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin urbanus, from urbs city: of, relating to, characteristic of, or constituting a city. McDerrrrrrrr.
I hate to say this but I think the "Southern way" is really just a euphemism for "I'm stupid but too proud to admit it". And yes I realize not ALL Southerners are dumber than a box of rocks but no one pays any attention to them because the don't stick out.
Skull Splittah' for breakfast, eh?
Once again ignorance has made its presence known in the form of a.... (You fill in the blank)
I believe the term is Cabbie-Americans
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