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Nipples and Pickles
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2/15/2005
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Greenville is a nice city. If I used words like "cute" and "charming", I would use them to describe Greenville. I'd probably live there if the terms of my parole would allow it.
Here are driving directions to Greenville, South Carolina from Atlanta-
Get on 85 north and drive until your will to live returns. Seriously. There is nothing along the highway between Atlanta and Greenville except billboards, water towers, and weeds.
I went up there for a party and was quite taken by what scenery there was along the way, and that's what I want to share. Sure, I could attempt to tell you a story about going out with a bunch of folks you've never heard of and show you pictures like this one-
The guy on the right sat at the bar with a straight face and tried to tell me that the sun is bigger than the whole earth. I know that's devil talk, so I asked him to step outside and he mercilessly beat the hell out of me.
...and then I could recount funny tales that were told, like when Erin brought up a story about a plastic surgeon losing a woman's nipple during a breast implant operation and someone said, "I bet a couple of the assistants threw them against a window (like we used to do with pickles at McDonald's) to see which one would slide down the fastest, and one fell off and slipped into the heat register or something."
But I hate reading an article where the author is talking about his friends who you don't care about; "You just have to know the guy...really...he's crazy- it's hilarious if you know this guy..."
Unfortunately, 99.9817536% of the population doesn't know him.
What's hilarious to me are the billboards and water towers seen along rural highways.
There is a mile marker (not sure which one exactly) outside Atlanta at which point billboard advertising is nearly free of charge and apparently cheaper in bulk. It's like the public access channel of the printed advertising world. My favorite was the series of six or eight that were trying so desperately to make me pull over at exit 230 to check out a truck stop. It went like this- the first couple in the series were tempting drivers with promises of prime cut steaks, popcorn shrimp, and the best wings in town. Yeah- my jelly is the best jelly in my refrigerator, too, but I'm not getting all billboardy about it. Any wings at this location would be the best wings for fifty miles. Do you really need the signs?
Then they set the hook with the next 4 billboards and their promise of TOPLESS girls AT THE SAME LOCATION. Now imagine yourself...with a topless girl...and a pound of fried stuff in a red and white cardboard tray that is completely translucent with grease drippings...and a topless girl...topless...oh how wonderful those girls must be. Everyone knows that the best girls are always found in Skipeptikee Georgia or wherever it was. One day I'm stopping in to a topless truck stop to interview one of these exotic women. I bet she's working her way through nucleogenetic engineering school and is just doing it to get by.
No. Forget that stereotype. I bet that by the time you are a topless waitress at a truck stop, you're pretty much finished lying to yourself.
"Naw...ah'm jus flingin' tit here so I c'n keep gettin' my syphilis medicine. Dirty truckers. I used ta' be somebody...famous dancer. Then that damned doctor in Greenville dun lost my nipple..."
Next week, "Water Towers- the community barometer?"
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 2:22 PM |
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Recalibrating my Awesommeter.
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2/8/2005
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I need a break. I have a lot going on right now, and some of it is stuff that I only think I am good enough to pull off. I guess that's the root of humility, so I'll keep plugging along. This entire weekend was spent working on a big (four page) comic strip that will appear in Greenville Upstate Link in a week or two. Having never done that kind of job, I figured I could do it with no real problem simply based on my sheer awesomitude... because...you know...I rule and all that.
Awesomitude has its limits. Even mine. Waking up at 3 a.m. on Sunday with a dried out marker in your hand and the TV remote buttons pressed into your cheek will make you realize shit like that. My face reprogrammed my television and now I only get two home shopping channels and some Spanish game show crap. I built character at a very low hourly rate in the past week.
So I went to the grocery store to clear my mind. Grocery stores have a very therapeutic effect on me. Watching people, striking up conversations and that one super happy cashier that I like make me feel as if all is right with the world. While there, I invented the next diet craze- only eat foods that make you laugh. The calories you burn while telling someone what you are eating will outweigh whatever you are about to eat. Don't try it if you haven't had much sleep, though. You'd be surprised how hilarious a jar of pickled eggs can be on three hours of sleep.
So I was staggering through the aisles, using my shopping cart as a sort of walker, determined to buy only the products that were funny of their own accord.
I left with two items. Meatloaf and cock flavored soup. Oh, it's real. I'm just probably never going to taste it.
Later as I was still laughing about the word "meatloaf", I saw a Dr. Pepper commercial featuring a song that was all "I would do any thing for love, but I won't do that." I don't know what the hell that song has to do with a soft drink (as it is obviously a song about some kind of sodomy), but a quick internet search revealed that the song was written by Meatloaf, and that was ironic.
Does anyone realize that the irony that Alannis Morisette sings about is not actually irony? The song should be entitled "Isn't that unfortunate" or "doesn't that just suck". A black fly in your chardonnay is not ironic unless you have just finished giving a lecture on how to get winged insects drunk. Then you could look around to all of your friends, point to your glass, and say "Now THAT'S irony...dontcha' think?"
The oven timer just went off indicating that my meatloaf is done. Maybe I should pour a little cock soup over it and call it a meal.
I would do anything for lunch, but I won't do that.
Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 7:43 AM |
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