|
One Bag of Murder Jerky and a Painsicle
|
1/24/2006
|
When did the makers of snack foods decide that the dangerous image was the way to sell their product? While walking through a convenience store, I was assaulted by all manner of kickass potato chips and gangster gummy bears. I guess the marketing team decided one day that the guy buying the cool ranch corn chips would buy 2% more if they called it "Raging Ranch" and included a cartoon of a corn chip-shaped cowboy riding a bucking bowl of dressing- the kind of untamed ranch dressing that is only found in vast herds, roaming the open plains of the west.
I always figured selling snack foods was like selling any other thing people can't live without. In the words of Dennis Leary, "You could call cigarettes 'Tumors' and people would line up around the block to buy them." Likewise, a "Roll O' Shitrags" would sell just fine without being called "Bathroom Tissue" because people have asses and eat things like Raging Ranch corn chips.
I saw a guy buying an industrial size bag of Cheetos and noticed that they weren't your average Cheetos...these were "dangerously cheesy." The scientists at Cheeto just kept adding cheese until their Creed CD began to play backward, sounding vaguely like Don Johnson's debut album. Then they just had to keep pushing.
"STILL NOT ENOUGH!" One scientist shouted.
"B-but sir...Any more cheese would be a violation of the Geneva Convention! Think about what you are doing!" another young scientist pleaded.
"THIS IS TO BE MY OPUS!" he screamed, pouring still more orange powder into the vat.
"Have you gone MAAAADD?!"
When they reached maximum density, there came a blinding flash of light, David Hasselhoff remained famous, and the Creed CD became a Nickelback CD. The cheese absolute had been attained.
I find it suspect that the Cheetah will scoff at the life-threatening danger of so much cheese, but still wears a faggy helmet when he rides his bike. You're either dangerous, or you're not. Trying to pull off this "dangerous but still responsible enough to avoid head trauma" shtick is not selling me any Cheetos.
I thought the guy was taking a risk buying a whole bag of pure danger, and then he turned around and it made sense. Rear-Admiral Riskypants was wearing a Star Wars shirt (tucked in) and had three pagers and a cell phone on his belt. Somewhere in the Atlanta area, someone's mom's basement was missing its dungeon master.
He also had a sixer of Mountain Dew CODE RED, so I held the door for him. I don't want any trouble. We all know Mountain Dew drinkers are totally into skydiving and surfing river rapids and stuff. The CODE RED folks? Well, let's just say things get pretty goddamned real when the World of Warcraft Server heats up and someone has to step up and out-dork everyone else with their enchanted broadsword of No-Plans-To-Ever-See-A-Live-Human-Female-Naked. Have you ever had a slapfight over the internet? I didn't think so, poser.
I was delighted to discover that they actually found a rapper who was so desperate to buy rims for his Tercel that he was willing to put his face on any product they put in front of him.
You know how sometimes you are just rapping? Just bustin' a stank ass rhyme, and you think, "man, I'd love a snack, but I don't have time to stop rapping"?
Behold, the pork rind that will just as soon pop a cap in your ass as look at you:
Chopper, one of thirty five failures from P Diddy's "Making the Band" reality show (not including the show itself), decided it was in his best interest to add a little Gangsta' to fried pork skins. The ham flavor appeals to people on the popular redundant foods diet.
I didn't buy any of these because I was afraid I might try to eat one, so this is the best image I could come up with. I actually went back to get a bag, but was disappointed to see that they had either a) been discontinued due to lack of interest, or b) sold out. Pretty likely that someone came in and bought every last delicious bag.
What happens when a young ear of corn says "fuck the system and all those who reside within it" and starts fights, getting kicked out of the crop at a young age? What happens when that ear of corn makes its way through life on the mean streets of rural Kansas, fighting just to avoid being creamed or popped and ends up in a bushel of trouble? What happens when CORN goes WRONG? Only one thing happens, bitches...
"Hardcore Corn snack" likes to hang out with "Badass yellow Mittens," "Bloodthirsty Marshmallow," and "Wicked Rapist Kitten" in an exclusive club for phrases that are only used once.
Andy Capp used to beat his wife to the amusement of comic strip readers everywhere. I'm not sure if his strip still runs or not and am too lazy to check, but this comic strip hardass has certainly made a name for himself in the salty/repulsive snack market. I have to guess that there is a target demographic called "Men 18-25 who only eat stuff on a dare" because that is the only way to explain the existence of this-
Now that I am 33 and a half, I don't have to be dared to eat things. I consider it a challenge from God himself that I even noticed this product.
As with most challenges from God, I lost because God doesn't play fair. Deep-fried Styrofoam coated with military grade pepper spray would be a slightly more satisfying (and easily digestible) snack food. I don't know what I was expecting from a wife-beating cartoon, but it didn't include diarrhea.
 Dusty
RELATED LINK:
|
|
posted by Dusty at 2:10 AM |
|
|
15 Comments:
http://www.rapsnacks.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=SFNT&Store_Code=RS
I think I peed my pants a little.
Just be thankful the hot fries didn't emerge from the other end, which is what happened to my brother one very drunken Christmas. I think the carpet at his friend's place still has orange stains on it.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=xtreme_bullshit
Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but plagiarism isn't.
www.thedan.us
+Post a Comment
<< MOST RECENT BLOG