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There's a Spider on my Peter, Beat it Off
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1/16/2006
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I'm not really afraid of insects, snakes, or spiders. I actually find them sort of interesting. I try to stay away from the ones that can cause me harm, and I don't like having them crawl around on my face, but other than that, I leave them alone for the most part. Good thing, because for those of you who don't live in this part of the world, let me tell you, the growing season is long, and the bugs are plentiful, large, and weird. I know people who actually moved to colder climates because of the cockroaches and things that fly around here. Twice in college I got mugged by a palmetto bug. He took my wallet and beat me pretty badly. Then just for psychological effect, he flew into my hair and flapped around for a few seconds to creep me out and force me to shave my head.
I live in an old building with no screens on the windows, so when it is nice outside, I open the windows. The insect and arachnid world loves that and they all come inside and hang out until they die in my window sill or under my sink. It's like Jonestown for bugs.
Yesterday I was all tired and I went home at about 5:00. I smelled awful, so I got in the shower and proceeded to relax and get clean. There are two times you do not want to be startled- when you are relieving yourself, and when you are in the shower. One time at my old place a huge, as-yet-unidentified bug-like thing ran across my foot while I was taking a leak. You never really realize how helpless you are when you are at the toilet until something like this happens. You want to jump around, but at the same time, your instincts are telling you not to spray urine all over the walls. It is a strange situation. I have come up with the following two scientific theories-
1. The degree to which any given thing scares you is inversely and exponentially proportional to how much clothing you have on.
2. There is only one set of circumstances that will cause a man to willingly hit himself in the nuts.
I keep my towel hanging over the shower curtain rod so I don't have to drip water all over the bathroom to get it, and that works fine for me. So after I turn off the shower, I grab the towel and let it fall onto my head and I dry from the top down. It's just how I do it.
Yesterday, I grabbed the edge of the towel and pulled it off, startling the mega-spider that had taken up residence in the warm folds thereof. As the towel is falling toward my face, so was this freakish arachnid. Something like 98% of all species of spiders are non-poisonous, but when you are naked, they are all very deadly. He was running very fast across the towel, which made me make my supremely grossed out noise that I have only made twice before- once when I woke up with a centipede in my hair, and once when I found a roach in a bottle of beer (after I had drunk two-thirds of it and it touched my lip). It's kind of a low-pitched "WHOOHOOHUUH!" followed by an involuntary flailing shiver.
It's not like I live in the insect display at the zoo. I have no idea why they come to me. They just do.
This spider was just over two inches across. I measured him so I wouldn't embellish his size. Of course, what is important is how big he looks as he splays his legs out and runs in midair as he completely fills your field of vision on the way to your face.
My bathtub is small and slippery, and I was naked. Not many options for me at this point, so I backed into the wall as fast as I could. My head hit the tile pretty hard, but I stayed conscious. I really wish I hadn't, because I looked down and saw that my new friend was clinging to my ding-dong.
This caused me to enter a parallel universe; a universe in which it is okay to smash yourself in the balls with your own hand several times in a couple of seconds. In this new dimension you do not feel the pain that you know you are inflicting upon yourself until the perceived danger is gone.
He fell onto my foot, still wiggling and trying to get away almost as much as I was. I almost ripped the shower curtain down, but miraculously never fell. I would imagine that if someone were to walk into my bathroom at that point and you asked them what they thought was going on in the shower, they would guess that someone was raping a muskox.
A few long seconds later, I was out of the shower, panting and dripping on the floor, my towel in the bathtub, and the spider was lying in the drain looking dead. I later measured the drain that he was spread across to be sure of his size. I made sure he was washed down into sewerland and proceeded to clean up the mess. I had bent one of my shower curtain rings, my towel was soaked, my bathroom floor was all wet, And I had a sore spot on the back of my head from where I smacked it on the wall.
There is no moral to this story, but reading it has changed your life. You'll never again use a towel without checking for spiders.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 1:36 PM |
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23 Comments:
I know you're not an infinate fountain of funny, but I was saddened when I saw that you'd posted this. You're like almost the highlight of my week.
fiL
jax, fl
If this post had been repeated 100 times, who cares! It's funny!
People are such fucksticks.
i'm one step ahead of you on the whole checking towels (and shower curtains) for spiders (and other big, ugly insects) routine. i have also been attacked by a very large centipede under similar circumstances - which is worse, because they have more legs, thus making them scarier. i've also had to deal with waking up with a centipede in my hair. and i have very long hair that easily entangles multi-legged critters. *shudders*
perhaps we suffer from some genetic disorder that attracts the grossest insects imaginable.
On the inverse, it sounds like a few of you are trying perhaps just a little too hard to impress the meat-riddled series of natural disasters commonly referred to as Dusty Scott.
None of you are funny or original, so just stop the hate, mmkay?
You're cordially invited to have a seat at the same table as the "ass pie" eaters and eat my stink hole! Trust me, I've kissed ass enough times to know that this isn't ass kissing, this is simply bowing to the greatest writer of all time! And if you'd please forgive this blatent comment of near homosexuality, one handsome man!
Game on, fuckstick!
Ya bitchnipple.
Ya dildo.
And the point remains.
Fucking idiots.
I feel obligated to inform you, Mr. Scott, you are in violation of your contract with AI and will be terminated immediately. Recycle the recliner on the deck next; it's on par w/the spider
PS such argumentative commenters these days,eh?
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