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Happy V.D.
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2/15/2006
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With all of the love in the air today (today being St. Valentine's day, the day of this blog's writing), I am reminded of my constant desire to run against the grain.
So here are a few things I hate, inspired by various commercials I have seen while trying to stay ahead of a merciless workload:
As with most things that make me angry, it started with Larry the Cable Guy. Also known as "The least funny man in the universe", "The comedy equivalent of Nickelback", and "Evidence that the terrorists might, in fact, deserve to win", Larry made the following joke in an ad for The Inbred Moron Joke Tellin' Giggle Hour-
"I made luv to a lady clown the other day. (Exquisite comedic pause) She twisted mah wiener into a poodle dawg."
Really Larry? Did her nipples squirt you in the face when ya tried to sniff 'em? Was her thong tied to a buncha' other thongs in different colors that just kept on coming out of her big ol' backside? Didja' git yer master's degree in obvious jokes from Spacktard University Online?
I was looking at a guy with an IQ of 40 who can pack stadiums around the country to tell the most predictable and unfunny jokes imaginable and get richer than Jesus while sardonic writers everywhere slowly realize that in many ways they will never be as successful he is.
I then beat the television with every object in the room, stopping only when I was too tired to move.
Later, I saw (and was mildly offended by) the marketing of Valentine's Day. The first thing to remember when writing a valentine's day ad is this: Men are complete idiots and all we want is to do something right for once in our pathetic lives. Secondly, sex is absolutely the only thing we care about because we are too stupid to understand anything else.
"Hey guys, order a big dumb teddy bear dressed up like an astronaut for $60. It comes with a card that says 'all I want to do is orbit you' and we don't even know what that means."
Fade to three exceedingly hot women having simultaneous orgasms at the sight of said bear.
"Why can't I find a guy who gives me worthless presents just because he watched a commercial?"
"Ooh, I can't wait to give him HIS present." As she points to her crotch with both index fingers and makes a violent humping motion.
Cut to every dude in the office frantically dialing his phone in the hopes of maybe getting laid.
Then the similar commercial about "pajama-grams": Send your girlfriend some pajamas, again merely for the vague promise of semi-nakedness, as this has become the only thing you live for.
If these guys are buying gifts just for sex, they might consider looking into a new girlfriend. Perhaps one that is not a prostitute. Just throwing it out there...
A higher-dollar version of that ad is a Victoria's Secret commercial. "Hey guys...this Valentine's day, get her something you both want..."
Boom chicka wow bahdadda boom chicka...
Cue freakish 7'2" 120 pound supermodel strutting angrily down a smoky tunnel in her underwear. Also cue my girlfriend elbowing me in the ribs to make sure I was paying attention.
"See, Dusty? You could get me something we both want."
"Another girlfriend? This is going to be the best Valentine's ever."
I have a problem sometimes with saying stuff out loud just because I think it is funny, as if trying to impress myself with my own wit even if it means a moderate to severe beating. Fortunately, The Skirt is not retarded and was therefore able to understand the difference between "joking" and "serious".
Just to be safe, I ordered a Luvvy-Tubbles pajama bandit teddy bear and made reservations at Red Lobster while she was in the bathroom. Someone is in for a very special evening.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 7:32 AM |
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9 Comments:
dunderfunk.
Dusty got it right the first time, and I would link to his original post if Nathan would get on the HTML and create archives.
dunderfunk.
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