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Pretend You're Doctor Phil and Help me Out
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3/14/2006
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My Girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and we have never had an argument. I don't chalk this anomaly up to my being extremely easy to get along with, because I'm not- I am really sort of a cynical asshole with a heart of gold colored alloy electroplate. I attribute our lack of conflict to several things:
- Neither of us really sees the point in yelling at people. Personally, if I think you are stupid enough to warrant yelling at, I'd just as soon spend the energy willing you to die.
- We both have pretty high stress jobs, so we get enough drama out of day-to-day that we don't need to invent more in our down time.
- She is very logical for a woman. She doesn't react irrationally, and therefore doesn't get ignored for being crazy. Ladies, if you ever wonder why your boyfriend/husband doesn't seem to take your opinions into account, it is not because he thinks you are stupid. It is because he thinks you are insane. Try offering a well thought-out opinion without screaming or crying; you will find it quite effective.
- I understand that if she thinks she is right about something and is willing to voice it, she has thought about it and is probably right.
- She can take a punch. A lot of arguing could be avoided if people would just punch each other more often.
We disagree about little things, but it is more humorous than contentious. I think it would be interesting to see where you, fair readers, fall on our differences. I haven't asked her whether or not she would mind my publicizing our dialogue, so maybe this is a bad idea. Never stopped me before -
1. Does vacuuming, cleaning the stovetop, folding clothes, and wiping down all kitchen surfaces with antibacterial cleanser constitute "cleaning" if it all only takes 20 minutes?
2. Should Blue Collar Comedy fans be tortured, or simply euthanized?
3. Will the type of awesome shirts worn by the walking scroti in the picture below ever be laughed at as pathetically out of style? I'm talking about the shirts. Ignore the taintlicks who are wearing them and the fact that their collars are faggily tussled.
"I want a haircut that will make me look like a frightened cartoon of myself."
3a. What about those sassy jeans with the faded marks on the front of the legs? Will they go the way of the acid wash?
4. Should eating an alternative meat like bison or ostrich be considered gross?
4a. Should people who refuse to eat those foods be cast out of society?
5. Did God also create Adam and Steve? Maybe they just fixed up their corner of the Garden of Eden and lived quietly and happily in a craftsman-style bungalow with a small dog named Pickles.
7. Is NASCAR a sport?
7a. If so, why isn't there a car-steering machine at the gym?
8. Do babies really need to be fed every day, or are they maybe just a little too self-important?
9. Was the movie "Napoleon Dynamite" funny?
10. Do things cook faster if you turn the stovetop to a higher temperature?
My thanks in advance for your help in putting these issues to rest.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 3:44 PM |
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34 Comments:
sniff
"Welcome To The Gayborhood"
And, actually, the whiskering of the jeans (or fading) is really an excuse for college bachlors who screwed up their laundry to not buy new jeans.
2 - aren't we tortured enough already?
3 - no, but the scrotti will.
3a - should I change out of my acid washes now?
4 - not if you're the Donner Party
5 - also? I'm not going there
6 - There was no 6, maybe the skirt hates you because you can't count.
7 - no. neither is figure skating. let's combine the two.
7a - see 7
8 - yea, but so do dogs -only dogs poop in the yard.
9 - if you like tater tots
10 - Things only BURN faster if you turn up the heat on the stove
- Uh, yeah, if you're a guy... unless you're gay. Then again, I doubt your gf would be interested in a gay boyfriend so that's solved once and for all.
2. Should Blue Collar Comedy fans be tortured, or simply euthanized?
- They should be ignored. Really.
3. Will the type of awesome shirts worn by the walking scroti in the picture below ever be laughed at as pathetically out of style? I'm talking about the shirts. Ignore the taintlicks who are wearing them and the fact that their collars are faggily tussled.
- Same answer as #1. If you're gf wants a gay boyfriend, then it's okay to dress this way.
3a. What about those sassy jeans with the faded marks on the front of the legs? Will they go the way of the acid wash?
- You mean they haven't already???
4. Should eating an alternative meat like bison or ostrich be considered gross?
4a. Should people who refuse to eat those foods be cast out of society?
- Shit, I'll eat anything. Literally.
5. Did God also create Adam and Steve? Maybe they just fixed up their corner of the Garden of Eden and lived quietly and happily in a craftsman-style bungalow with a small dog named Pickles.
- I'll say this once. If there are gay people then that means GOD CREATED GAY PEOPLE... and dogs named pickles.
7. Is NASCAR a sport?
7a. If so, why isn't there a car-steering machine at the gym?
- http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/sport
Yes. Deal with it.
8. Do babies really need to be fed every day, or are they maybe just a little too self-important?
- If the parents' IQ is below 120, no, the baby never needs feeding.
9. Was the movie "Napoleon Dynamite" funny?
No. But, it created a good number of memes which make it funny when you watch it again, especially with friends.
Vote for Pedro!
10. Do things cook faster if you turn the stovetop to a higher temperature?
Yes, however not evenly. It's a matter of taste. I like my meat bloody in the center so TURN IT UP!
9. Absolutely not and it's so nice to see other people saying the same.
10. Mostly but you have to keep your eye on whatever it is you're cooking and not walk away or it will burn and then start a fire and then the smoke alarm goes off and then all hell breaks loose.
2.EUTHANIZED!
3.Shouldn’t these BOYZ be home in bed….is the drinking age in Georgia 21? Oh wait…perhaps their parents are supervising, and they’re wearing their DAD’s shirt because they are sooo cool and hip….okay,got it now...3a is the same.
4.No way….that’s why we are top of the food chain…we eat what we want.
4a.No….but what about Freegans?
5.I liked ANONY’s answer posted at 12:00pm….can’t argue with logic
7(6?).Well....we do consider the Skeleton a sport here in the Great White North...
7a.Too many crashes would happen…have you really looked at the some of the people at the gym? I done drive car gud.
8.Most times it gets them to stop crying.
9.HECK YES!
10.Mmmmmm.....burned goo...
My wife and I have many similar -- though completely different -- disagrements.
The point is we joke about them and even make fun of each other about silly things, but it's always in good play and not taken too far, too often. (The subconcious often can't differentiate between sarcasm, humor, and serious statementsm so a concious effort to adjust attitude from time to time is really helpful this way.)
The other point is to be aware that you are avoiding dealing with conflict through humor by turning the irrelevant minutae into a public poll. Sorry dude ... just my psych background coming through.
Peace Bro,
-Derek
2.Euthanized. Then NASCAR will go away too.
3.Veritcal stripes may you look gayer! Those dudes have to be from Jersey.
3a.All fashion will go away. But the ones that annoy you will last longer.
4.If it tastes good, eat it.
4a.Yes and the vegetarians too.
5.God loves Homos. That's why heaven is so fabulously decorated.
6. Where's 6?
7.NASCAR is for people that can't grasp sports or even wrastlin'.
8.Babies are useless. Until a kid can fix me a drink or do chores they are dead to me.
9.It still entertains me and my 16 year old.
10.No. But you can burn things quicker.
1)Heck yeah it's cleaning.That is DEEP cleaning ment ONLY for Saturdays. Geez what are you trying to do break a sweat? 2)I think that if the slower the death, the better...for they will see once and for all that they are not funny.3) The hell is this? I can't tell if it's the notorious gang the Jets...Watch out!! they are going to start snapping in unison and leaping faggotry any second, PaPow! and yes they will go the way to acid wash, I am more concered about the growing threat of "Members Only Jackets"4)food? Yes Please5)Hullo?? did you SEE the garden of eden?? of Course there was a Adam and Steve...straight people couldn't possibly cordinated those colors like that.6)you mean people think that it's not a sport? I think the same people that find Gettrdone a laugh, thing that NASCAR is a sport.Lets just short them all and put them out of our missery.8) this is why I do not have children, or ever plan on spawning...I can't even remember when I need to feed.9) Your Mom goes to college10) heck yes it does! it even enhances the flavor! I gives you this gaureteed Crust on the bottem and this woods taste, I believe some have refered to it as BURNED. Well thems my votes and I am sticking to it
Dad
2.- They are tortured already- maybe euthenize.
3.-No
3a. -Yes
4.-No
4a.-No- they are usually good at doing the manual labour I don't like to do.
5.-Yes you must realise He has his reasons even if you don't see them.
6.- or 7 - Yes
7. There are G-force machines
8.- Need to feed them unless they are older than 18yrs, after that, they can become part of the food chain.
9.-sort of hmm no not really - well in some places.
10. - Yes, but it will burn.
If these stupid little things are the only sticky points in your relationship you argue about, you're in good shape pal.
2. Euthanize on contact.
3. Is this picture from 1983? As long as there are 16 year olds with fake IDs and unlimited hair gel allowances, this will continue.
3a. One can only pray. Still, it’s only Almost as dumb looking as the Gotti wannabes in the picture.
4. Only if you’re a bison or an ostrich. For humans it’s either adventurous or pretentious (depending on how you feel about the diner in question)
4a. Live and let eat.
5. If God is really God (omnipotent, omniscient, etc), then: if it exists, God made it. If Adam and Steve seem strange to you, check out the duck billed platypus - Or the fact that sea bass change from female to male at mid-life. An argument for God wanting older men to mate with younger women? Twist it however you like.
Check the record, if He was peeved we’d all be picking locusts out of our teeth by now.
7. As much as Darts and Curling.
7a. They moved it to the arcade.
8. Both. Demanding, huh?
9. Even though I really, really didn’t want it to be, yes.
10. Faster? Sure. Better? Usually not.
2. I'll leave that one up to you
3. Let's hope
3a. ditto
4. no
4a. no
5. Yes
6. you forgot 6!
7. No way
8. Yes and yes
9. Didn't see it
10. Does burning count as "cooking"?
2. Euthanized. Rednecks mutiply rapidly and at an early age. Stop the process.
3. This is on a beautifully directed yahoo video where the director edits several minutes of metrosexual pretty boys and how they are gay.
3a. Yes. The faded butt is even worse.
4. Not if it's a dare.
4a. No, it leaves more for the dare takers.
5. God wants all living things to multiply. Gays pick of the slack for the Chinese, who abandon their young.
7. No. NASCAR fans should be euthanized.
7a. Rednecks don't work out anyway. For example, redneck girls are either really fat or really skinny. The skinny ones smoke. The fat ones eat pork rinds because they are on the Atkins diet, anyway.
8. Maybe once a day. We don't need fat babies. They will just end up watching NASCAR and Blue Collar Comedy.
9. Yes, and it also serves the purpose of humanizing the de-humanized
10. No, it burns it on the outside and leaves it gooey on the inside.
2. Either way, I think you should "Git 'er done!" (couldn't resist)
3. I like classic striped shirts, but this picture looks like Abercrombie and Fitch put on a rave! Let's not blame the stripes for the up-turned collars and douchebags wearing them.
3a. Splatter paint should have died in 88.
4. No, for both are tasty alternatives.
4a. Only if they refuse to try it. If you try it and then hate it, you don't lose points for being a stubborn arse.
5. Adam and Steve didn't live in the Garden of Eden. They created a new community that was later dubbed Pottery Barn.
6. INTERMISSION
7. I wish I could say any sport without physical contact isn't really a sport, but that would rule out tennis, too. How about "any activity where you can be injured and/or killed is a sport?"
7a. That would be a good piece of equipment. I get quite a work out at the arcade then the wheels are hard to turn.
8. I'd just shove an automatic feeder in the crib, right next to the auto-milker/waterer.
9. It was until the turds of the world spent every waking moment trying to quote it.
10. Shit yeah. Just ask my nuked chicken.
I instead, would like to re-direct back to the 12 yr olds holding beer. If you did not in fact, photoshop all of their hairstyles to look alike, then wow.... just wow. They all have the same color lips, and orangey tans...
Thank you JLo... they couldn't have doen it without you.
Buy her a car. Oh wait.. no, a t-shirt that says "I'm with that Asshead"... yeah, that should do it.
Napoleon Dynamite was not as funny as Sling Blade, but funnier than Mask. And the only thing funny about it was the fact that goofy looking white boy actually danced pretty good.
To me, if it is less messy afterward, it was cleaned. To most women, it is not cleaning unless it took all day.
Hey! I kinda enjoyed the Blue Collar Tour!
Those shirts already make me laugh uncontrollably.
Bison is pretty good. Ostrich tastes like chicken. I guess we ought to let them stay.
2. Euthanized. Torture does not keep them from breeding.
3. Yes. Then 15 years later they will once again be the "rage"
3a. See previous answer
4. No
4a. Yes. Vegitarians are weak and pathetic and should be treated as such.
5. I'm sick of the argument over this one. I don't care just so long as I'm not the one getting my ass plowed I'm happy.
7. No
8. Yes. Otherwise the baby loses it's tender, juicy meat.
9. Yes
10. yes
1. I would call that a "quick clean". A thorough cleaning would be vaccuuming, dusting, moping floors, cleaning the bathroom, and sometimes cleaning mirrors/pictures. Spring cleaning would be all that, along with windows inside and out, carpet cleaning, rug washing, upholstry cleaning, etc.
2. Ah, leave 'em be. Who would you have to make fun of then?
3. Unfortunately, the picture is no longer available.
3a. I hope so. What's wrong with a normal pair of jeans?
4. Nope, but I don't know that I would try it.
4a. Nope.
5. Yep
7. Yes, it is. Unlike figure skating, NASCAR has a clear cut winner. Sports such as figure skating is purely subjective because the athlete is being judged based on another's opinion. At least with racing, you know who one. The real question here is are drivers athletes?
7a. Because anyone who drives, has the machine in front of them.
8. Leave babies alone. They're cute (sometimes), innocent, and harmless.
9. Yes.
10. Yep, to the point of burning.
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