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Waiter? There's an Asshole in my Soup
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6/27/2006
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An open letter to the friend we all have who mistreats the wait staff when we go out to dinner (you know you have this friend. Everyone does.)
Listen, it's time we had a talk. I know you make up to and including $40,000 at your awesome job that you got an associate's degree for, but you simply aren't at a point in your life where you are allowed to order people around- and when you do actually get to that point, you'll realize that ordering people around is just something that weak and stupid people do. We are all adults having dinner, and our server is doing his or her job, earning a buck just like we try to do. So here are some guidelines that will help you avoid being kicked to death by me.
When you get your water refilled, would it kill you to make eye contact and say thank you, rather than simply sliding your glass to the edge of the table and continuing your conversation without looking up?
Don't act all pissy. The waiter/waitress is serving food to several tables and trying to keep up with a lot of different things. If he or she brings you coleslaw instead of mashed potatoes, don't act like it was a personal insult. The server really doesn't have time to plot a scheme to ruin your evening. It's called a mistake- like today when your boss got mad and yelled at you for losing a fax and made you cry. That kind of mistake. So cut some slack to the person who has about a dozen bosses right now.
I know you feel really big and important when you get to send food back because it isn't to your specifications, but do you have to find something to bitch about EVERY TIME? If you find a pube or a bug in your food, fine. Being served shrimp when you ordered the chicken also counts as a valid reason. These are real issues that will ruin your dining experience. Sending food back because your fries are facing the wrong direction or your mixed greens aren't arranged alphabetically does two things-
1. It makes you (and vicariously, everyone at your table) look like an asshole.
2. It pretty much guarantees that your food (and possibly everyone else's) will contain 200% of the US RDA of boogers, semen, feces, and bird flu.
As stated above, the server is busy with people besides you, and you are not invisible. Therefore there is no reason to snap your fingers, whistle, or tap anything against your glass to get his/her attention. Doing so will only guarantee slower service and additional bodily fluids in your soup.
Oh my god if you talk down to the waitress again I am going to stab you to death with a salt shaker. If the server asks you if you'd like another glass of wine, the proper response is "Yes, thank you", with a smile. Nodding and waving your hand dismissively as if shooing an insect away makes you look exactly like the low-class person you think you are addressing. You are at dinner, not in a make believe land where you are better than other people, you infected scrotum.
After the meal, leave a goddamn tip. If we got crappy service, it's because you are a douchebag. The rest of us sitting at the table know the server deserves a bronze star just for dealing with you, and when you put down $5 on your $60 tab, we all will have to cover your greedy ass. No one cares if they don't tip in Europe and we all wish you would stop trying so hard to sound worldly. You are in America and we tip here.
So sack up and act like a productive member of society. You aren't better than the person bringing you your food, and you aren't making anyone like you by being a dick. The worst kept secret at the table is that we all respect the person bringing us our food more than we respect you.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 5:25 PM |
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31 Comments:
**C**
I will sometimes eat with someone who will then try to calculate to the penny what 15% is. The absolute min. that is considered acceptable or will throw down a couple of bucks and think it's acceptable. As you mentioned, this leaves me or anyone else there covering their portion. I like to point out that giving 20% plus an additional dollar or two never hurts. If that extra buck is going to break you, then you shouldn't be eating out and that dollar can make a world of difference in that server's day. And, next time you dine there, chances are they'll remember you.
Tipping is a gratuity, not an obligation. The definition of gratuity is a gift in exchange for service.
I'm sorry but wait staff is paid by the employer(which I'm already paying by way of paying 10 bucks for a burger) if all I get is the minimum service, guess what, small tip. That's life.
May you only receive assburgers from this day forward. Wait staff recieves less then 50% min. wage from the employer. The money that you're paying for that $10 burger goes for the cost of foot, cost of rent for the restaurant, cost of the cook, electricity, etc. The person delivering that $10 burger to you is maybe makeing $2.10 an hour. The remainder is suppose to come from the person being served and them receiving a tip to make up for the LOW hourly wage is their incentive to deliver good servce.
Suck it up and pay out the 20% or eat at home you cheap fuck.
Maybe you should do a little research before spouting off opinions. The above poster is right: wait staff receive pathetically little in the way of wages from their employer. They depend on cash from tips to make the money; the establishment just provides the means. And while yes, the definition of "gratuity" is a gift in exchange of service, anyone who uses that definition as a reason not to tip someone is a dumbass.
Where I live, Oregon for those that care, not all wait staff is given below minimum wage.
Watch the first scene of Reservoir Dogs, Mr. Pink's rant on tipping is right on the money.
If I am given above and beyond just having my order taken and food delivered(often not even by the same person mind you) then I will tip well.
And it's true that Uncle Sam takes out their taxes whether you get a tip or not, which is another reason to hate the cheap bastards out there.
I await the post where Cheap Guy gets stabbed with the salt shaker. And I will laugh heartily.
http://www.waiterrant.net/
Nice observation. I made two comments earlier and both were in reference to money. Just treating them as you'd like to be treated yourself is equally important.
When ordering I will usually pick between two or three items and then ask the server for their opinion. Almost always I'll go with their selection. Let's them know I respect their opinion, not that it really matters to them. But I hate to let anyone feel left out.
So 10% is considered a great tip over here.
The last time I had dinner with her, she whined about everything - the server never batted an eye. She did exactly as the ex asked. At the end of the night, the ex insisted on leaving the bare minimum for a tip. When we left, I lied and told her that I forgot something at the table - went back in and handed the server an additional 20% tip. I told her how much I appreciated her service in the face of such disdain. The look on her face was well worth it.
The last time I had dinner with her, she whined about everything - the server never batted an eye. She did exactly as the ex asked. At the end of the night, the ex insisted on leaving the bare minimum for a tip. When we left, I lied and told her that I forgot something at the table - went back in and handed the server an additional 20% tip. I told her how much I appreciated her service in the face of such disdain. The look on her face was well worth it.
http://www.revhughes.com/2005/04/she-spilled-my-coffee.html
p.s. I met your friend Jim at Corndogorama.
Anyone that can't leave a proper tip for proper service (15-20% on up in America, no matter where you yourself are from), then you don't belong in that restaurant, due to sheer lack of class. It all comes around in the end folks, remember.
And yes we KNOW foreigners don't tip, they don't even make an attempt to learn the way of restaurant etiquette and/or commerce here in the States. And they complain about us when we travel there, hah! Different rant, different day, I digress.
Thankfully, the bags out there that are actually "anti-tipping" are few and far between. Just a small gaggle of self-righteous clowns that can't possibly imagine that there might be monitary earning procedures out there other than wage, salary, and commission. They never admit they're wrong about anything anyway, so there's no point in wasting your time.
Thank you Dusty for what you wrote. I work in Vegas, where you see people like that all the time, especially during convention season. Us veterans are pretty immune to it, because like you referenced, it's pretty safe to say their lives suck outside of it all. And they normally travel in groups of 6 or more, so we just slap the instant gratuity on them, and gladly do our job without having to kiss butt.
All you had to do was just say so while we were at the table. My shins still hurt from all the kicking!
Next time, just tell me in actual words instead of punting my legs and turning red in the face, you selfish turd!
Call me!
Love,
Mom
I enjoyed your article about tipping and soup.
I can't wait to hear what you have to say about salad.
Thanks,
Rod Biscoe
P.S. Rod Biscoe's Blogspot “It’s Delicious.”
TIPs
my friends and i were at a restaurant/pub where i live a few months ago, and when we arrived, i ordered a drink. after about 15 minutes with no drink, i asked another passing waiter to check on it. i hadn't been rude in the least; i'm always very well-mannered in restaurants (you'll just have to trust me on that). as we were sitting by the kitchen, i could hear when this most recent waiter asked our original waiter why he hadn't gotten my drink. with us sitting not five feet away, i hear our guy say, "he never ordered a drink." luckily, i was able to get my drink a few minutes later, thanks to the new guy. unfortunately, i wasn't able to get another drink all evening from our original waiter. everytime i wanted something, i had to ask one of the females at our table--who he paid extraordinary attention to--to order it for me. so at the end of the night, i decided not to leave a tip. unfortunately, he didn't bring back my change, even though i'd requested it. now tell me that guy deserved a tip.
and the thing is, that wasnt an isolated incident. he's been that way everytime he's waited on our party at that particular place. i now ask specifically for someone else when i go.
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