I'm really not sure what the going criteria for hotness is among my peers, but I am befuddled by what some consider attractive. Part of the reason is that my own criteria have grown beyond "If she was lying naked in your bed, would you...?" Somewhere along the last 18 years I lost my ability to simply lust after a nice set of cans and instead have to agonizingly examine other factors before I can say I am attracted to her. It ruins a lot of fun, quite frankly.
Before this starts sounding all self-congratulatory sensitive man of the 90's, let me remind you that I am not attracted to fat chicks. Never have been, as superficial as that seems. I've tried to look past it, but I can't. Physical attraction is a part of my hotness equation, and fifty pounds overweight is non-negotiable. So I'm shallow and deserving of your fat scorn or whatever. Get off your high horse- you're hurting him.
The more I see magazines, television shows, and my own friends idolizing "the hottest women on the planet", the more confused I become. Sure, some of them are undeniably good looking, but what about the rest of it? Am I the only one who finds stupid assholes repulsive? Does no one else factor that in? How can you hear that Tyra Banks threw her phone at one of her handlers because it wasn't working, screaming "FIX IT" and still consider her attractive? Have you seen any part of her talk show? If you can listen to her speak for more than four minutes and still call her hot, then you can stop wondering why women think we are all morons.
The following is a list of chicks that are not hot, contrary to popular opinion.
Pam Anderson
I guess I should have listed Hepatitis C as one of my other non-negotiables. Between the rotting liver and her uncanny ability to consistently date and marry abusive drug-addicts, the beauty that may have existed before surgery is masked by a wall of horrible life choices. "But Dusty, just on pure looks, you are totally gay if you don't think she's hot."
If you think she is hot, you probably spend a lot of time masturbating to video games. She looks like something a sex-starved computer programmer dreamed up in his mom's basement. Not hot.
Jessica Simpson
Based on looks and looks alone I will admit that she is the best of the worst. I have a theory that most genetic gifts are a tradeoff, and in this case she had to give up a functioning brain in negotiations for her wicked body. Yes, I did watch a few episodes of her reality show (EDITOR'S NOTE: he watched every season, and he cried like a bitch when it ended). I came to the conclusion that she has an audio loop playing in a hidden earpiece that reminds her to breathe. There is a certain class of dumb that actually pulls from society's collective will to live, and it isn't cute no matter how cleverly it is packaged. Have you ever been talking to someone you just met (and find attractive) and had them say or do something really offensive? For instance, stomping a kitten to death, grabbing the waiter's balls, or telling you he/she doesn't like fat chicks? You know how that suddenly makes them kind of ugly? Stupidity has the same effect, and that is why I can honestly say that Simpson is not hot.
Pink
Rumor has it that some guys think this chick is hot. I think she looks like a scary man who wants to rape me. She also looks like she might have a strange odor. I don't have much admiration for people who feel like they always have to be asserting their individuality with one hand and reinventing themselves with the other. They are usually only doing that because they don't have much to say- like Madonna, who would have also made this list, but I haven't seen her on any hot lists in the past ten years or so.
Shakira
Some women are not classic beauties, yet I find myself attracted to them for another reason. I call this the X factor. Shakira has what I call the why factor. Why don't I think she's hot? She has all of the parts in the right places, doesn't she? Everyone else seems to think she is the greatest thing since chipmunk soup, don't they? Maybe it is because I think her singing voice sounds like the tortured cries of an orphaned buffalo and she writes the worst songs in the universe. Plus she looks slutty, but not the good kind of slutty. More like the kind of slutty that makes it burn when you pee.
Olsen Twins
"Ooh- they're finally legal- every man's fantasy...and so on." The Olsen Twins becoming the object of mass-spankery is one of the most disturbing events in human history. Not only do I remember them from when they were two years old on that stupid sitcom, but they still look like they are fourteen. If that's what does it for you, then more power to you...if you can live with the fact that you are a pedophile. Hell, one of them has some kind of eating disorder, and that can only mean that her dad or her uncle tried to make out with her at some point. Yeah, jump all over that. Maybe she'll let you fondle her emotional scars, you pervert. Not hot. Squared.
Uma Thurman
Another variation of the why factor. Why on earth does anyone think this chick is hot? I don't know much about her as a person except that her eyes are three feet apart, she has at least 73 vertebrae in her neck, and she gives me nightmares. Is that what some of you heathens consider "unique looking", or do you have a plesiosaur fetish?
Jenny McCarthy
Okay guys, take your best friend and put him in a hot chick's body. Sound like the perfect woman? Let's not forget that your best friend makes you smell his finger after he scratches his junk, smells up the entire house with his horrendously inefficient bowels, belches and blows it in your face, and talks about poo all day long. Still want to have regular sex with your best friend? Seriously, I watched a show about her, and that was the stuff she bragged about doing. I'm not saying that she should wear gloves and carry a parasol- just that a little class goes a long way. No class- not hot.
Paris Hilton
I might be wrong on this one. Does anyone think she is hot? Somewhere I read or heard that she was generally regarded as a sex symbol, but I don't know a single guy who would touch this skank with a prosthetic wiener. Aside from the whole "body by cocaine" look she has going on, she seems to be as worthless as they get. I'm almost old enough to say things like "That's what's wrong with the kids these days- they watch this slut get paid for going to parties and make videos of herself giving an air start to a guy she doesn't even know, and they all think that's just how life is- act like a whore and get free clothes and inherit a hotel chain so you'll have an endless supply of rooms to whore around in, you whore. In my day, we earned our money in a hot cubicle and we paid for our designer footwear, dagnabbit! Now get off my lawn!"
But I'm not that old yet.
Luckily, Paris has a smarter sister. Smarter being a relative term, we can safely say that the Hilton hotel empire is doomed.
That's not hot.
Britney Spears
I know she's the media's bitch now that she married her landscaper and got fat, but she used to be considered sexy.
When she first started out, she was like a little kid trying to be a vixen. That was cute- not quite hot. Then like three days later she turned into The Super Mega White Trash Slutlord. Reportedly there was a span in there where she was hot, but I was unaffected by her genital rays. Now she's posing naked and pregnant with the spawn of douche 2.0 on the cover of a magazine.
487 great ideas and one unspeakably horrible one. That's like a pinch of shit in a gallon of ice cream, isn't it? Definitely not hot.
NEXT WEEK: Salami Tsunami's list of chicks he thinks are hot. We have determined that he may very well be the only human on the planet that finds some of these women attractive.
 Dusty
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37 Comments:
I'm good like that.
1. gwyneth paltrow
2. angelina jolie (if you can get past the body)
3. penelope cruz
4. terri hatcher (just too weird)
5. ashley simpson (where do i even begin?)
i just dont get all it. are they really that interesting? must the media constantly remind us of their existence? does anybody other there really care?.....hello?
I heard her earlier at work, and damn near cringed at her nose-noise. Barring that though, she's a fucking dream come true. I'd bang her all night. The rest of them... well, put it this way, with the exceptions of Hilton and Anderson, I'd bang em all. Just gimme a couple brown bags for the uglier ones, and I'll be good. Oh, and a pack of condoms to go too!! I'll letcha know how that goes. Wait, no I won't. I'll keep ya guessin.
Trent >:-)
**C**
sniff
Britney Spears, again, abosultey right on target! Her 30 seconds of fame has somehow continued to hang in there. It must be the 8th wonder of the world. She's just a block away from living in a trailer while driving with a beer in one hand, a cigarette hanging from her mouth and her kid on her lap. She's just yucky.
As far as the Tyra Banks crack - I never listen to women to determine how hot they are. That's what women do... which is how guys like Henry Kissinger still manage to get laid. If you never sweetly put your finger to a girls lips and said "shhh" or simply said "Shut up, you!" as you are rocking it doggy, then what kind of man are you?
In any case... Jessica Simpson, Jenny McCarthy, and pre-Fed Britney Spears are objectively hot. As long as they don't speak, of course.
Yeah, if I was in high school a few years ago, I would have wanted to take them to prom, get them pregnant in the back of my car and then be off to college, but ever since they became legal, they have been working their bag-lady look, and that just makes them look like, well... homeless drug addicts.
Sniff
Pam Anderson AND Jessica.
p.s. Where do I find an earpiece that reminds me not to glare uncontrollably at foolish people?? My self control is at it's peak lately.
but the high horse thing did make me laugh.
"So, what's been going on? Didja' miss me? Yeah, there's the Atlanta Illustrated stuff to read every week, but the Tornado is like that special place behind my bed where I cry at night when I can't make the centipedes in my brain stop screaming- the warmingly familiar intersection of torture and comfort.......... Not necessarily every week, but none of this once a month crap. So shut your mouth holes."
Our collective mouth holes are opened and ready for mama Dustybird to regurgitate some of that funny substance up for us all to consume. And please none of that once a month crap as we are quite hungry.
The Britney Vanity Fair cover made me laugh-thanks, I'd not seen it yet. When Demi Moore did a preggy belly cover, many years ago, it was a cool, hip gesture against body fascism.Britney has been told to do it by her PR people.
Are you going to do a Dusty commentary on Men who are Not Hot? Oh, pleeeeeease? Tom Cruise is just aching to be on THAT A-list!
Shirley in New Zealand
Aunt Bea Taylor....mmmmm....
dunderfunk.
anyway. you irked me. but not so much i won't keep coming back for more. and i loved the "waiter, there's an asshole in my soup" rant. it should be required reading in every restaurant.
All she brings to the table is her collossal Latin ass . . . which explains why there is a special-ordered, double-wide chair at said table.
Anyway . . . if it would be possible to put all the aforementioned not attractive women in a room with a really, really, really hungry lion, I'd be down to watch that. Especially when Paris starts trying to give the lion a hum-job . . . wait, what?
I meant to say I'm not attracted to them. I like plenty of them as friends...big fat hilarious friends.
p.s: You thought a man was hot and I laughed at you heartily and the Funyun fell out of my mouth and it was worth it you MANLOOKER!!!
Since I am a little older than you I will be glad to say those things about Paris Hilton, until you are old enough. Every time I see the media serve her up as "hot" or a "role model" I about bust a vein. I particularly liked it last week when Paris said she was "carrying on the tradition of Marilyn Monroe and Princess Dianna." I'll let her statement speak for itself.
By the way, when I travel I avoid Hiltons and stick with Marriott - just because of her.
Uma looks like she fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
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