|
Women who are Probably only Hot to Me
|
7/18/2006
|
Since you read about the chicks I don't think are hot, you're probably not dying to know who I do think is hot. I'm not going to try and write a big disclaimer and defend myself or define what hot is to me. As last week's emails showed, most of you get it and a few of you are just barely bright enough to read.
Jamie Lee Curtis
I know, there are rumors that she was born with two sets of genetalia, some people think she's gay, she might look like your mom, and she's about 15 years older than I am. None of that will change the fact she was the first woman I ever felt "that way" about when I slammed headlong into puberty at age 19. We rented "A Fish Called Wanda" and that started my relationship with what is still one of my favorite movies as well as my longest standing crush. She's physically attractive (I used to have a poster of her wearing some kind of hideous camel toe workout getup with a headband and a sweatshirt with the neck ripped out of it. Hot.), and she has a kind of class and sharpness that I freaking love. I sent her a valentine card once and that is a true story so shut up.
Jennifer Grey (pre-rhinoplasty)
Yes, I liked her better before she got the nose job. She always played the awkward kid who skirted the edges of popularity and was kind of a screw up, so I identified until the point in the movie where she had friends. I think way deep down inside I liked the big nose because it was as if by her not being traditionally good-looking, a guy like me would have a chance. Like if she had a tail. It's kind of icky, but it's not like she's fat or something. When I saw her in the movie "Wind", I was all "Dude, she likes to sail- I like to sail. I'll just camp out on her lawn until she decides to come make out with me." She saw right through my plan and ran out for a nose job (promptly removing her from my fantasy league) before she even realized what a shitty sailor I was.
Condoleeza Rice
Fuck you. I think she's hot. Say what you want about her politics or whatever, but any chick with a 3000 IQ who was a concert panist, member of the Board of directors for five fortune 500 companies, speaks four languages, has a ship named after her, and is second in command to the leader of the free world counts as hot in my book. I guess that's why so many people don't agree with my hotness gauge- I know there are big tits and long legs on every third girl you walk past, but show me a girl with some power and brains and I am helpless. I even love that weird hairdo. There, I said it.
The chick that plays guitar for Smashing Pumpkins.
Her guitar playing pretty much sucks unless you are into extreme distortion and shitty guitar, and I don't even know her name, but I have always had a weak spot for Asian women. Sometimes it really is just that simple. In fact, I had Connie Chung on my list until she sang herself out of a career on her talk show.
Nancy Grace
Oh, Nancy, you savvy lawyer with your sensible fashions and your even sensibler hair. Ms. Grace has the X factor in spades. Even her annoying southern accent sort of turns me on when she gets all sassy with someone who won't answer her question. Hey nancy? As long as you are covering kidnappings, how' bout you include my heart? It was last seen watching CNN, wearing me.
Amy Poehler
A few other guys might agree with me on this one because she is physically attractive and possibly the only living female comedian who is actually funny. Funny ranks even higher on my list of must-haves than smart does. I could make a comment about my girlfriend with respect to that, but I won't because it would be one of those situations where I would be trying to talk my way out of it and that usually ends up with me locking myself in my car listening to the hit REM single "Everybody Hurts".
Lois Griffin
In the words of her dog, Brian, "I would wreck that chick". She's hot like that lady that plays the mom on the minivan commercial. Plus she's married to a fat bastard who has absolutely no class and she loves him, so I know I could be happy with her. When I grow up, I want to be a cartoon.
Joyce
Dammit Joyce, I have some apologizing to do. I made fun of you and didn't even give you top billing when I wrote the album covers blog. Thousands of emails told me I was wrong- or probably would have if I had read them. Your haunting image resonated around the world in a way I only wish my own work could. The demure pose in your modest choice of dress and those slammin' glasses make the rose clutched delicately in your fingertips weep with envy. I owe a big part of this shitty non-paying job I have writing blogs every week to you. You have the number one spot on this list, my fair lady.
Postscript-
The most common question I have been asked during the extensive two week writing of this extensive two-part thesis has been (and feel free to say this out loud in your best special olympics voice) "But Dusty, Where is your girlfriend on the list?"
I have two titles- "The following women are not hot" and "Women who are probably only hot to me"
Which category would you put your girlfriend in, genius?
 Dusty
RELATED LINK:
|
|
posted by Dusty at 5:01 PM |
|
|
40 Comments:
and Jamie Lee is certainly HOT not just to you..
Your Cousin
Stud Turbo
I'm all for Lois too..
Where does my girlfriend fit in those lists?
"None of them, dear"
:-)
What about Babs Bunny (who framed roger rabit). I remember being 7 and realising that was the sorta female I would marry someday...needless to say, I'm still looking for a 7ft female rabbit dolled up in a cocktail dress....they're out there right?!
But when I saw Joyce...well...I had to untuck my shirt to hide the bulge...smallish though it may be...
dunderfunk.
I remember when Poison first became popular with "Talk Dirty To Me". I had a poster of them and had a friend walk in and tell me how "Hot those chicks from Poison were".
If we could put you in a blonde wig and smear some lipstick on you, I'd poster size it and hang it in my foyer.
When will then be now?
Hugs & Kisses,
- Euyphreaous
-Bmary
---Your favorite Chef Chick.
BMary- Yes, it is in fact, impossible to believe (unless you have been writing a blog for five years) that so many people think that even if I believed Iha was a chick to begin with, I was somehow able to google "Smashing Pumpkins Guitarist" without seeing the name "JAMES IHA" 400 times, and then I assumed James was a girl's name in china. Those people are fired.
And I don't need a disclaimer- it's understood. I also like candy UNLESS it is on fire, but I don't have to go around explaining that.
Also, I had a similar experience with Jamie LC, but the movie for me was Trading Places. pretty sure it was that set of breasts that launched me into puberty.
Sniff
Oh Condi, Condi I’m talkin’ to you girl
What’s it gonna hurt come on give me a whirl
Shake your body now let me see you go
One time for me Oh Condi I love you so
Skank for me Condi show me what you got
They say you’re too uptight I say you’re not
Dance around me spinnin’ like a top
Oh Condi Condi Condi don’t ever stop
I'm impressed that Amy Poehler made the cut, but what about that temptress, Tina Fey? I fantasize about the source of the scar that lovingly embraces her left cheek. Was she battered by some shrivel- dick trucker? A scorned lover? Did she get it in a knife fight protecting someone's rights or personal property? Maybe it's just a birthmark that she proudly wears to show that "it's what's on the inside that counts". I have no idea, and think about it way, way too much. The scar really is the ultimate accessory for that crooked little smile of hers. You don't get to be that particular brand of funny, unless you are luggin around some serious gray matter. Hilarious, intelect, she, my blogging friend is the definition of HOT. Was it an oversight on your part that Tina isn't on the list, or is it accepted that this is so obvious that she didn't need to be listed. Atone for your sins.
+Post a Comment
<< MOST RECENT BLOG