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Can you make it through Airport Security if you have Diarrhea?
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8/15/2006
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The lifestyle I have fallen into is atrophying my funny gland. All I think about anymore is work, money, and avoiding proper hygiene. I am completely out of the state of mind required to write humor. For that I apologize. I'm pretty sure that once I get fired from and/or quit a few of my jobs and return to a manageable stress level I will get back to normal. I also want to ditch the scheduled weekly updates in favor of going back to the Pork Tornado site writing what and when I want. Screw this place.
I probably should have told the folks at Atlanta Illustrated before I told everyone else, but my backspace key is broken and what's done is done.
In the meantime, I'm something of a one-liner trick pony.
"Hey Dusty, is the traffic jam on I-85 because of the gay pride festival?"
"Yeah, someone got rear-ended."
- Phone call with my dad
Then there was the conversation I had with three friends, outdoing one another with stories from our childhood.
"Yeah, I've been arrested. Drunk and disorderly in highschool. My dad threatened to shoot me in the dick if it happened again, so it didn't."
"Mine was curfew violation when I was 17. I happened to be smoking pot at the time, too, so that was interesting."
"I got arrested on a traffic ticket for an unpaid parking violation."
I hang out with some pretty hardened criminals.
Now it's my turn. I have never been arrested- I don't even think I've ever been grounded. I wasn't an obsessively good kid; I just didn't have any friends so I never had the chance to get into trouble. Nevertheless, dude code says I must have a story.
"What about you, D-Block? (My rap name used only by my rap friends) You ever been arrested?'
"Yeah. Once."
"And...?"
"And what? I said I got arrested once."
"For what?"
"Abuse of a corpse."
"Shut up."
"No, really. I was in a gang and that was the last of our initiation rites. Don't laugh. It was pretty metal, although I'm not sure that oral sex on a dead body really constitutes abuse- that's just a justice system trying to legislate morality, which is bullshit."
"Dude. Shut up. I am going to puke."
"A gang that fellates corpses? What did you call yourselves?"
"The Aristocrats."
"Nice. I hate you. Seriously, what's the worst thing you have ever done?"
"Well, one time I asked a chemotherapy patient if the carpet matched the curtains."
"That is the most disturbing thing I have ever heard. You are going to hell."
"Come ON. She was way too young and sick to know what I was talking about. It's no big deal."
"No. Dude, stop talking before I punch you."
"I didn't really do it, man. I was just kidding."
"It doesn't matter...you thought of it, and the mere fact that you ever even considered that...you're a violently disturbed person."
He's probably right. And if you laughed, you're sick too.
In other news, I have gotten about sixty trillion (a hundred or so) emails asking for Salami Tsunami archives. At long last, you can now go back and read the old stuff if you are depraved enough to desire to do so. The links are all the way at the bottom of the page. Note- Just like every other aspect of Blogger(tm) Software, the archives are confusing, inefficient, and sometimes completely unusable. Enjoy.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 10:51 AM |
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12 Comments:
I've got webspace with your name on it anytime you want it, bro ...
You get PAID to post here, unlike at DL. While I know it's a pain in the ass to constantly be coming up with a weekly post, I must admit that there's no shortage of material to bitch about and make fun of. Take this airplane thing. There's so many ways you could have gone with that title that it makes me sad that you didn't.
You must really be depressed to not pick fun at the airlines, especially with this. Get well man. We need that good humor of your's to make it through the week.
Now, I'm sure I speak for everyone here and elsewhere when I say that we'll support whatever decision you make, so long as you keep writing for us. I'm a selfish bastard, I know. And I know you are too, which is why I know that this won't go unread. Keep up the good work man, and keep writing, if for no other reason than your own sanity.
Your gang reminds me of home brew labels my friend and I printed up: "Necrophilia Beer-Pop a Cold One!"
About fucking time your archives were posted....
dunderfunk.
http://porktornado.diaryland.com/older.html
Sniff
If laughing means I'm sick too what does it mean if I like really guffawed? I mean like to the extent I had to take a knee to catch my breath? Seriously, I like hurt myself.
Is that a bad thing?
I just checked pork tornado and you haven't updated since March. I think it's time you get back to entertaining me on a more regular basis. This place is great and all, but nothing compares to the hilarity on PT.
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