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Condoscension
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8/1/2006
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Is it just me, or are there actually more high-rise condos for sale in Atlanta than there are people in the state of Georgia? I don't know what started the epidemic, but every couple of hours there's a trendy new mixed-use community skyscraper to dot the skyline.
When it started a few years ago, there were a handful of these glass and steel tributes to out-of-control metrosexuality, and for a fleeting moment I even considered buying one. Everyone said it would be a super great investment until I talked to a real-estate agent friend of mine who nearly punched me in the face.
"So you want to pay $400 per square foot to live in a hotel and pay an additional $400 per month so you can have a plasma television in an elevator that doubles as a spray tan booth? Do you want your friends to abandon you when they can't visit you because you only have one parking space and they have to enter the building through seven coded gates, a swim-through purification chamber, and a snotty $13 an hour concierge?"
"Um...since you put it that way...no...but exposed ductwork...and...coffee shop. I guess having marble doorknobs and a bidet in every closet would be a conversation starter, and who hasn't needed a canine yoga instructor on call 24 hours?"
Funny how the exact same building can be repeatedly marketed as "exclusive". They use the same logic that the freaks in Little Five Points do- Oh, I'm an individual. So I'm going to show my individuality by dressing in my grandparents' clothes and tattooing my large intestine. Maybe even ride a scooter with a sticker that shows my dislike for authority JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. The condo buildings are similarly trying to out-douche each other by saying "Ours is the most exclusive in the history of exclusivity. So exclusive that we had to invent a new word for our exclusivity so none of the imitators could steal it. Come and experience Distilled Nonassimilationism (tm)."
Sadly, the developers suffer from an affliction that is common around Atlanta- not understanding that we are not in New York. Neat trendy condos in Buckhead and midtown are fine, but you have 40-50 units for sale that start at $2.5 million, and three other 50 story buildings within four blocks offering the exact same thing, how exactly are you going to unload that? There's a lot of money in this town, but I have a feeling that you'll be able to move in for a cool $500,000 after the stupid wears off in a few years.*
For the time being, however, they are going full-steam with whatever it takes to appeal to the snob in all of us, and making no apologies for blatantly doing so. The following are real, honest to god names and tag lines used by buildings currently in Atlanta-
Sovereign- Above all (I have $100 that says their toilets flush directly onto the streets)
Aqua- Midtown's only boutique high-rise condominium (Probably the only boutique high-rise in the world, since no one knows what the hell that even means.)
Symphony- A concert composed to the rhythms of the City (Huh?)
Gallery- Live in a masterpiece (Jesus. How about "live inside the architect's ego?")
A couple of friends and I brainstormed over lunch and decided to build and market the following structures-
Vapor- It's like water, but way more expensive
Flattus- They call them flats in Europe, and that's the kind of European sophistication you'll see here...but the chicks all shave, so that's cool
DeNile- Because you can only stack douchebags 50 stories high
The Rectory- Your friends already think you're gay, so why not?
Phallic- It's not a condominium, it's a condomaximum- Now suck it
The Overcompensatorium at Midtowne- Once she sees your bitchin' kitchen, she'll completely forget how tiny your penis is
I was driving down Peachtree Street in midtown a few nights ago and noticed that most of these newly-constructed and overpriced high rise condo buildings had lights on in about 5% of the windows and thought, "Maybe that is what they mean by exclusivity. I'd buy one if I knew I'd have the whole building to myself."**
* I am always wrong about this kind of thing. If you're going to invest, do so immediately after I tell you not to.
**If I go through with it, I'll need 430 roommates to split the mortgage. Submit applications below.
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 4:43 PM |
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15 Comments:
Downtown living my *ss!
**Cassandra**
Having seen the inside of most of them they are almost all the same. Stale, generic, bland, concrete floors and granite counters. All for $300 - $400 a sq ft.
Sniff
crap! highrise condo exclusivity is coming to Jax...just promises so far. is that what we have to look forward to? bad names, bad taglines, and empty buildings...? So far it's pretty straight forward: Villa Riva, Plaza,...
i like your versions better...
It's like watching an abandoned dog at the weedy edge of an Interstate rest area, eyes forlorn and dripping with hope with each passing car...
DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT DIARYLAND READERS!!! STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!!!
...then again, if they aren't smart enough to figure out that you're over here, maybe we don't WANT them here.
...or is that cruel?
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I'd apply to be a roomie but I'm heavy and we all know how much you dislike fat chicks.
As I post this, there are 40 of them scheduled to go up (seriously), after about 10 of them failed due to lack of interest, or the fact that Ivana Trump was owning them. I'll be shocked if 15 of them make it to completion. We have a little bit more of a potential success rate though with all that foofoo California money wanting to "have a little place in Vegas".
Funny how we're not the only one. Where did these Atlantans all of a sudden run in to all this money to where they can fill these condos anyway?? CDC strike oil in the courtyard?
Porktornado!!
Porktornado!!
Porktornado!!
Porktornado!!
Porktornado!!
Porktornado!!
Porktornado!!
Porktornado!!
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Porktornado!!
Porktornado!!
Porktornado!!
While this blog is good, Porktornado is more like Dusty raw and uncut and uncensored. There is a certain element that comes out in the diaryland entries that just isn't here.
Besides I can't believe for one instant that you have gone this long without hitting your junk, throwing out your back, or meeting some asshole.
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