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He Followed me Home- Can I Beat Him to Death?
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5/23/2006
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Last Saturday night I heard my neighbors having what sounded like a good time on their porch, so I stuck my head around the corner and said hi as I was taking out the trash. "Come on over and meet Matt" they said.
I didn't have any idea that they were totally scamming me. They had been introduced to Matt by another neighbor earlier that day. He is someone's nephew or mom or something and he was looking for something to do. Matt is the kind of douchebag you might read about in Norse mythology, and before I could defend myself, he was my douchebag. He had apparently spent most of the evening inviting himself into their house, drinking their beer, nosing around their stuff, and generally suckifying a perfectly good Saturday.
The alarms started going off as soon as I said hello. He acted like everyone was supposed to like him, and the amount he would be liked was directly proportional to how loudly he spoke. He also instantly went into discussing college athletics -- people who talk too much about sports are not usually the type that spend their spare time solving for x, if you get my meaning. My opinion of these people drops to dangerous levels when they act like they have a vendetta with me because we went to rival schools TEN YEARS AGO.
"Where'd you go to college, Rusty?" (I never bothered to correct him about the name)
"Uh...Auburn."
"You should have tried a real school. I'm sorry." (Pointed to his dirty UGA hat, staring at me as if that was the single biggest and most hilarious insult ever leveled at another human being.)
"Sorry for leaving your fly unzipped, or not washing your hat?"
"Whuhuh?"
"I'M JUST KIDDING, MATT! *slap on the shoulder* GO WILDCATS! LEMME GET YOU A BEER!! WHADDAYA HAVING?! Maaaaatt..."
Please note that I made the comment about his zipper and his hat for the benefit of my neighbors, who I now understood only asked me to come over in hopes that they could unload Matt. I went back to my house under the pretense of getting him a beer, fully intending to lock the doors and go to bed so I could forget Matt forever.
"Nice place, I bet you get laid all the time here, dude."
Matt followed me into my house, which is creepy enough- but wait, there's more. TiVo, in its ever expanding effort to ruin my life, had switched channels to record NASCAR, and guess who loves the hell out of NASCAR? I'm not going to claim to know much about the nuances of car racing, but if you can spend four hours watching cars drive in circles and consider it the best way to spend a Saturday...I mean, I can kill some time fishing, but I am actually fishing- not watching someone else fish.
"Oh, you like NASCAR, Rusty? I knew I like you."
"No you don't, I think it's just a commerc-"
"Oh, this is the Barnyard 300, man, great race. Bifford Blakely's my favorite driver."
"Yeah...hey, let's go back to..." I looked out my window to see my neighbors had already gone inside and turned off all of the lights. My anger at having been duped was overshadowed by my admiration for their ability to disappear so quickly.
"You have beer and air conditioning, those bugs were bothering me anyway. I'm good here. Hey, did you say you follow NASCAR?"
"I don't even think I can spell it. I've heard of number three if that means anything to you"
"WHOA. Don't say nothing bad 'bout Dale."
"I didn't. I said '3'."
"Yeah, that's kind of sacred, man, just watch yourself."
"Three rhymes with gay," I said in my mind. I always think of stuff I would say if I wasn't such a pussy.
It was as if someone had taken every human attribute that I think should be eradicated through selective chemical castration, poured them into an asshole, and named it Matt. I looked around for hidden cameras, and then I realized that God brings people like this into my life so that I won't stop writing.
Oddly, it was pussy that got me out of this mess (not many guys can say that). Not long after he commandeered my recliner and told me in detail about his recliner that was much nicer and had a beer cooler in it, he began sneezing.
"Rusty, do you have a cat or something?"
"Oh hell yes. Check this out."
I opened a door and pointed to Queasy, a white feline ball of allergens, snot, and exhaustion.
This is the only picture I could find, taken shortly after the Skirt and I came home intoxicated and used her as a closet. I glued that penny to her head over six months ago in an effort to double her fair market value.
Matt was a vapor trail, heading out the door mumbling something about an inhaler and asthma.
I saw my neighbor the next day, and she was all "I'm so sorry. We feel bad, but when he left we had to make our move."
"Yeah, he sucked. I found his Achilles heel, though. Cats. He got all phlegmy when he went in my house and he bolted when he saw Queasy."
"Can we borrow her if he comes back?"
"Sure. $10 an hour. I should charge you twenty after you saddled me with Unwelcome Matt, but I'm a hell of a guy."
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 3:55 PM |
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Cruzan Dumb.
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5/16/2006
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Didja' Cry last week? You know...'cause I was gone?
I mean, it's cool if you didn't because I know you have stuff to do and whatever and you probably just came by Atlanta Illustrated and saw the notice that I was in St. Croix and thought, "Oh, I hope that asshole is having a good time. This week will be completely devoid of meaning because I depend on Salami Tsunami to fill the space in my life where laughter should go, but I have my cats..."
No?
Didn't even notice, huh?
Well, I was enjoying days filled with SPF 9000 and all of the beer my liver desired. At night it was more of an Aloe Vera gel/frozen drink kind of arrangement, but it was fun not to have to think for a week.
The Skirt and I got a room on the beach that had running water and air conditioning and everything. We took lots of pictures, but I know how boring it can be to look at other people's vacation pictures- "Here's another sunset...and here we are with the sunset...and this is where we stayed...OH! This was hilarious- this is me when I woke up- look at my hair! Heehee. This is a couple we met while we were there- he is a science teacher and she is a realtor. I forgot their names..."
I'm not going to do that. I categorized them into what history will remember as the most flawless collection of magazine concepts to have ever been...uh...conceptified.
(Click for slightly larger pictures)
So that was pretty much my week last week- drinking faggoltinis and watching lizards hump. It was awesome. You should totally come with us next time.
Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 2:03 PM |
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Badges? We Don't Need No Badges.
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5/2/2006
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So as predicted, several major cities across the nation were completely brought to their knees when Latin Americans came together in a show of solidarity and refused to work in protest of the immigration reform bill.
Or rather, no one really noticed. I mean, grass only grows at about a quarter of an inch a day...they'd probably have to take like a week off before you'd really notice they quit...
I'm kidding. Shut up.
In Atlanta, at least, the chaos was largely centered around the northeast perimeter area, AKA Gwinnexico. I totally feel for their struggle, but all they did around here is shut down commerce in their own neighborhoods, not getting much attention from those of us who went about our daily lives.
I'm not against them or their cause- I have my share of passion about the immigration issue, and frankly I am very impressed at how effectively such a large group was organized and put in motion and how they all showed up in one car. I'M SORRY. I TAKE THE LOW-HANGING JOKE ONCE IN A WHILE, OKAY? Other protesty-type groups could learn a lot from them, including (for the most part) how to craft a message that doesn't make you seem whiny, bitter, and lots of fun to run over with a car.
*cough* war protestors *cough*
This is the part where I should preface my argument by telling you I have tons of Mexican friends and wrongly assume that that somehow validates my point of view. I don't and it doesn't. The few Mexican friends I have are here legally and are college grads who have pretty much the same mindset I do about it. I also have a couple of Cuban friends, and Cubans are the most fiercely patriotic American citizens I have ever met, having in some cases experienced communism firsthand and not merely via textbooks. I just call them Mexican because I'm an insensitive prick.
After hearing the arguments and reading up on the issue a bit, I have found myself erring on the side of not being an idiot. In fact, I really have a hard time believing that anyone actually ascribes to any of the main schools of thought I have been hearing about.
Solution 1: The Open Border Model- Amnesty for everyone! Hold hands and sing happy songs until our economy collapses.
Yeah, just open the gates and let everyone in without any attention being paid to documentation or intent. After all, America's infrastructure is infinitely sustainable and cannot be overburdened. Here's a news flash- something like 5,000 illegal aliens are coming over every day as it is right now, and we currently have a problem. Letting more people live here without paying into the system really feels warm and friendly, but as with most arguments that have zero logic behind them, it will only work for a little while before it goes down the toilet.
Solution 2: Round 'em up and Send 'em back to Tacoland!
Seriously, go to hell you ignorant redneck. You propose we find 250,000 buses and just go door to door and ask everyone who isn't properly documented to leave and not come back? If you think this is a viable solution, try and wrap your mind around a few logistic issues for a moment-
1. You are talking about millions of people.
2. By virtue of the fact that they are undocumented, you don't really know where they are.
3. Even if you found them, you'd have to prove that they are illegal.
4. You might as well let them get off the buses in Texas, because they'll be back there within the hour.
5. You are an idiot.
Solution 3: A poorly thought-out piece of legislation that probably won't pass.
There are several versions of this, so I'll just go over the high points. Most of the proposed legislation includes some sort of work visa that employers can use for jobs that "can't be filled by Americans." Great idea- This job can't be filled by an American because I don't want to pay him $30 an hour, so tell Juan to be here at nine a.m. Screw the work visa- force a minimum wage and destroy the incentive to hire illegal workers. Then they will still get the jobs because they work harder. Amazing, huh? Of course, a head of lettuce will cost $400, but let's not split hairs...
Another version had this draconian naturalization process that included (among other things) a $6000 fine, all back taxes, a 12 year wait just to be considered, and a requirement that they learn English during that time. I think most people in this country have a better chance of success if they are able to speak English, and most would like learn the language if they had the opportunity, but 6 grand is a little steep. Plus, how stupid do you think these people are that they will give up what they have been doing (and getting away with) for years and years just so they can have the honor of paying back taxes in hopes of being considered for citizenship in 2018?
I don't have the answer, or even a very good idea. I'm a blogger and I just point stuff out that I think is stupid and make fun of people. As with most political issues, I do think the solution lies somewhere between the two parties' ideologies. This whole thing just seems to be an area where the party lines could stand to blur a bit and possibly use some good ideas from both sides to solve something. Unfortunately, most of them are too busy towing their ridiculous party line to admit that anyone else might actually have a point. I am increasingly alarmed by that.
Maybe we should start by sending the politicians back to Mexico. They will be replaced by normal people with common sense where their political background should be. Then everybody start speaking Spanish while they're gone and when they come back they can clean our gutters. I'd pay $2.50 an hour to have Howard Dean edge my yard and ask for a glass of water in broken Spanish.
Me for president as soon as I'm old enough.
Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 8:19 PM |
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