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Women who are Probably only Hot to Me
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7/18/2006
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Since you read about the chicks I don't think are hot, you're probably not dying to know who I do think is hot. I'm not going to try and write a big disclaimer and defend myself or define what hot is to me. As last week's emails showed, most of you get it and a few of you are just barely bright enough to read.
Jamie Lee Curtis
I know, there are rumors that she was born with two sets of genetalia, some people think she's gay, she might look like your mom, and she's about 15 years older than I am. None of that will change the fact she was the first woman I ever felt "that way" about when I slammed headlong into puberty at age 19. We rented "A Fish Called Wanda" and that started my relationship with what is still one of my favorite movies as well as my longest standing crush. She's physically attractive (I used to have a poster of her wearing some kind of hideous camel toe workout getup with a headband and a sweatshirt with the neck ripped out of it. Hot.), and she has a kind of class and sharpness that I freaking love. I sent her a valentine card once and that is a true story so shut up.
Jennifer Grey (pre-rhinoplasty)
Yes, I liked her better before she got the nose job. She always played the awkward kid who skirted the edges of popularity and was kind of a screw up, so I identified until the point in the movie where she had friends. I think way deep down inside I liked the big nose because it was as if by her not being traditionally good-looking, a guy like me would have a chance. Like if she had a tail. It's kind of icky, but it's not like she's fat or something. When I saw her in the movie "Wind", I was all "Dude, she likes to sail- I like to sail. I'll just camp out on her lawn until she decides to come make out with me." She saw right through my plan and ran out for a nose job (promptly removing her from my fantasy league) before she even realized what a shitty sailor I was.
Condoleeza Rice
Fuck you. I think she's hot. Say what you want about her politics or whatever, but any chick with a 3000 IQ who was a concert panist, member of the Board of directors for five fortune 500 companies, speaks four languages, has a ship named after her, and is second in command to the leader of the free world counts as hot in my book. I guess that's why so many people don't agree with my hotness gauge- I know there are big tits and long legs on every third girl you walk past, but show me a girl with some power and brains and I am helpless. I even love that weird hairdo. There, I said it.
The chick that plays guitar for Smashing Pumpkins.
Her guitar playing pretty much sucks unless you are into extreme distortion and shitty guitar, and I don't even know her name, but I have always had a weak spot for Asian women. Sometimes it really is just that simple. In fact, I had Connie Chung on my list until she sang herself out of a career on her talk show.
Nancy Grace
Oh, Nancy, you savvy lawyer with your sensible fashions and your even sensibler hair. Ms. Grace has the X factor in spades. Even her annoying southern accent sort of turns me on when she gets all sassy with someone who won't answer her question. Hey nancy? As long as you are covering kidnappings, how' bout you include my heart? It was last seen watching CNN, wearing me.
Amy Poehler
A few other guys might agree with me on this one because she is physically attractive and possibly the only living female comedian who is actually funny. Funny ranks even higher on my list of must-haves than smart does. I could make a comment about my girlfriend with respect to that, but I won't because it would be one of those situations where I would be trying to talk my way out of it and that usually ends up with me locking myself in my car listening to the hit REM single "Everybody Hurts".
Lois Griffin
In the words of her dog, Brian, "I would wreck that chick". She's hot like that lady that plays the mom on the minivan commercial. Plus she's married to a fat bastard who has absolutely no class and she loves him, so I know I could be happy with her. When I grow up, I want to be a cartoon.
Joyce
Dammit Joyce, I have some apologizing to do. I made fun of you and didn't even give you top billing when I wrote the album covers blog. Thousands of emails told me I was wrong- or probably would have if I had read them. Your haunting image resonated around the world in a way I only wish my own work could. The demure pose in your modest choice of dress and those slammin' glasses make the rose clutched delicately in your fingertips weep with envy. I owe a big part of this shitty non-paying job I have writing blogs every week to you. You have the number one spot on this list, my fair lady.
Postscript-
The most common question I have been asked during the extensive two week writing of this extensive two-part thesis has been (and feel free to say this out loud in your best special olympics voice) "But Dusty, Where is your girlfriend on the list?"
I have two titles- "The following women are not hot" and "Women who are probably only hot to me"
Which category would you put your girlfriend in, genius?
 Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 5:01 PM |
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The Following Women are not Hot
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7/11/2006
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I'm really not sure what the going criteria for hotness is among my peers, but I am befuddled by what some consider attractive. Part of the reason is that my own criteria have grown beyond "If she was lying naked in your bed, would you...?" Somewhere along the last 18 years I lost my ability to simply lust after a nice set of cans and instead have to agonizingly examine other factors before I can say I am attracted to her. It ruins a lot of fun, quite frankly.
Before this starts sounding all self-congratulatory sensitive man of the 90's, let me remind you that I am not attracted to fat chicks. Never have been, as superficial as that seems. I've tried to look past it, but I can't. Physical attraction is a part of my hotness equation, and fifty pounds overweight is non-negotiable. So I'm shallow and deserving of your fat scorn or whatever. Get off your high horse- you're hurting him.
The more I see magazines, television shows, and my own friends idolizing "the hottest women on the planet", the more confused I become. Sure, some of them are undeniably good looking, but what about the rest of it? Am I the only one who finds stupid assholes repulsive? Does no one else factor that in? How can you hear that Tyra Banks threw her phone at one of her handlers because it wasn't working, screaming "FIX IT" and still consider her attractive? Have you seen any part of her talk show? If you can listen to her speak for more than four minutes and still call her hot, then you can stop wondering why women think we are all morons.
The following is a list of chicks that are not hot, contrary to popular opinion.
Pam Anderson
I guess I should have listed Hepatitis C as one of my other non-negotiables. Between the rotting liver and her uncanny ability to consistently date and marry abusive drug-addicts, the beauty that may have existed before surgery is masked by a wall of horrible life choices. "But Dusty, just on pure looks, you are totally gay if you don't think she's hot."
If you think she is hot, you probably spend a lot of time masturbating to video games. She looks like something a sex-starved computer programmer dreamed up in his mom's basement. Not hot.
Jessica Simpson
Based on looks and looks alone I will admit that she is the best of the worst. I have a theory that most genetic gifts are a tradeoff, and in this case she had to give up a functioning brain in negotiations for her wicked body. Yes, I did watch a few episodes of her reality show (EDITOR'S NOTE: he watched every season, and he cried like a bitch when it ended). I came to the conclusion that she has an audio loop playing in a hidden earpiece that reminds her to breathe. There is a certain class of dumb that actually pulls from society's collective will to live, and it isn't cute no matter how cleverly it is packaged. Have you ever been talking to someone you just met (and find attractive) and had them say or do something really offensive? For instance, stomping a kitten to death, grabbing the waiter's balls, or telling you he/she doesn't like fat chicks? You know how that suddenly makes them kind of ugly? Stupidity has the same effect, and that is why I can honestly say that Simpson is not hot.
Pink
Rumor has it that some guys think this chick is hot. I think she looks like a scary man who wants to rape me. She also looks like she might have a strange odor. I don't have much admiration for people who feel like they always have to be asserting their individuality with one hand and reinventing themselves with the other. They are usually only doing that because they don't have much to say- like Madonna, who would have also made this list, but I haven't seen her on any hot lists in the past ten years or so.
Shakira
Some women are not classic beauties, yet I find myself attracted to them for another reason. I call this the X factor. Shakira has what I call the why factor. Why don't I think she's hot? She has all of the parts in the right places, doesn't she? Everyone else seems to think she is the greatest thing since chipmunk soup, don't they? Maybe it is because I think her singing voice sounds like the tortured cries of an orphaned buffalo and she writes the worst songs in the universe. Plus she looks slutty, but not the good kind of slutty. More like the kind of slutty that makes it burn when you pee.
Olsen Twins
"Ooh- they're finally legal- every man's fantasy...and so on." The Olsen Twins becoming the object of mass-spankery is one of the most disturbing events in human history. Not only do I remember them from when they were two years old on that stupid sitcom, but they still look like they are fourteen. If that's what does it for you, then more power to you...if you can live with the fact that you are a pedophile. Hell, one of them has some kind of eating disorder, and that can only mean that her dad or her uncle tried to make out with her at some point. Yeah, jump all over that. Maybe she'll let you fondle her emotional scars, you pervert. Not hot. Squared.
Uma Thurman
Another variation of the why factor. Why on earth does anyone think this chick is hot? I don't know much about her as a person except that her eyes are three feet apart, she has at least 73 vertebrae in her neck, and she gives me nightmares. Is that what some of you heathens consider "unique looking", or do you have a plesiosaur fetish?
Jenny McCarthy
Okay guys, take your best friend and put him in a hot chick's body. Sound like the perfect woman? Let's not forget that your best friend makes you smell his finger after he scratches his junk, smells up the entire house with his horrendously inefficient bowels, belches and blows it in your face, and talks about poo all day long. Still want to have regular sex with your best friend? Seriously, I watched a show about her, and that was the stuff she bragged about doing. I'm not saying that she should wear gloves and carry a parasol- just that a little class goes a long way. No class- not hot.
Paris Hilton
I might be wrong on this one. Does anyone think she is hot? Somewhere I read or heard that she was generally regarded as a sex symbol, but I don't know a single guy who would touch this skank with a prosthetic wiener. Aside from the whole "body by cocaine" look she has going on, she seems to be as worthless as they get. I'm almost old enough to say things like "That's what's wrong with the kids these days- they watch this slut get paid for going to parties and make videos of herself giving an air start to a guy she doesn't even know, and they all think that's just how life is- act like a whore and get free clothes and inherit a hotel chain so you'll have an endless supply of rooms to whore around in, you whore. In my day, we earned our money in a hot cubicle and we paid for our designer footwear, dagnabbit! Now get off my lawn!"
But I'm not that old yet.
Luckily, Paris has a smarter sister. Smarter being a relative term, we can safely say that the Hilton hotel empire is doomed.
That's not hot.
Britney Spears
I know she's the media's bitch now that she married her landscaper and got fat, but she used to be considered sexy.
When she first started out, she was like a little kid trying to be a vixen. That was cute- not quite hot. Then like three days later she turned into The Super Mega White Trash Slutlord. Reportedly there was a span in there where she was hot, but I was unaffected by her genital rays. Now she's posing naked and pregnant with the spawn of douche 2.0 on the cover of a magazine.
487 great ideas and one unspeakably horrible one. That's like a pinch of shit in a gallon of ice cream, isn't it? Definitely not hot.
NEXT WEEK: Salami Tsunami's list of chicks he thinks are hot. We have determined that he may very well be the only human on the planet that finds some of these women attractive.
Dusty
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posted by Dusty at 11:58 AM |
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